Ep #109: Changing Habits

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Hey there, and welcome back to the show. So, let me tell you a little story about my day, what my day was like today. And then we’re going to get into breaking habits. That’s what I want to talk about this week. But first, I want to tell you this little story.

So, I quit my job today. I basically just quit everything. I quit on myself, I quit the vision, I quit the dreaming. I just waved the white flag and decided it was over. And for that moment I really indulged in it. Like, I went all the way through. I just imagined if I just quit. If I just gave up. If I just stop, I don’t want to say stopped caring but that is what it felt like in the moment.

For I don’t know 25, 30 years I just have this vision of the way I think things could be. Having this conscious culture and this amazing community that supports more love, more grace, more ease, more togetherness, deeper, more intimate, meaningful relationships. Like I really believe that that is a possibility. And some days, it doesn’t happen often, and it’s been a very long time since it happened, but today was that day where things just seemed very hard.

And to top it off, I opened my Zoom account, I opened a new Zoom account and when I logged in, all of my information was gone. Like everything that was integrated and all of the links that I use. And then I turned around to do something else and that wasn’t working. And then I had this issue come up, and so you get my point. It was just one thing after the other after the other.

And I just had a moment where I just stopped. I used my own work, my own tools. The first thing I did was I used the SOS which was to stop, and open, and then stay. So that was the first thing I did. And even though I was feeling calmer, I still indulged in quitting.

And so I quit today. I went all the way in. And I didn’t have any remorse, any regret. Matter of fact, it felt good. It felt really good. I felt relieved. And it felt easy, which was kind of weird because I’m not a quitter. And I’m not like telling this story lightly. It’s a big deal. I’m super committed. I’m more committed than anyone I know, which drives me crazy. Like that one thing drives me crazy about myself.

But in this moment of ease, and I’m going to say freedom, yeah, it felt like freedom. Like I was giving myself permission to not give a fuck. Like that was it. Like I don’t… I’m just done, just done. Like this won’t make or break me. What used to bring me such joy and satisfaction, I was just suddenly in a position where it was giving me nothing. That’s what it felt like.

Now I’m taking you guys all the way to the extreme. But I’m just going to tell you where my brain took me. That beast up there, that little toddler that tells us all kinds of crazy stuff, we got to watch that. These are the stories that my mind was telling me. And if I would have given it the airtime that it wanted, I don’t know where this could have ended up at.

So what I did was I just got interested. I just got curious. That’s the SOS, right? Stop, open to explore, and then just stay. And when I got curious, and I surrendered, and I dropped any attachment to what I thought it should look like or any frustration it just felt very good and very freeing. And I stayed there and daydreamed about what I was going to do if I wasn’t on this path, I’ll call it, or if I wasn’t following through with this vision, or creating this community that I’m so passionate about.

And there was a stillness. And I don’t know how long it lasted, maybe it was just a moment. But there was this stillness of nothingness. And it’s like my whole body just softened and allowed all of the story to pass through. And I just watched it, almost as if I’d have been sitting by a creek and just watching something just float in the water, like a leaf float by. I just watched it.

And it got further, and further, and further away and the calmness was still there. And I have to tell you, it was indulgent. It was like having the most delicious dessert and you were taking your time to savor every bite. I did that with the vision of quitting. Is that crazy? Guys, you really got to watch me, you never know what’s going on in this brain.

So that’s what I’m going to be talking about today. I mean, I’m not just going to talk about how I quit. I’m going to talk about what I was thinking about before and after, that’s what I want to share with you. And it’s all about breaking habits.

The habit of quitting. The habit of giving up, of not giving a flip, right? And I might as well not do this. Or I’d just as soon stop trying or stop caring. That is a habit. And until we stop that, first of all, until we recognize it and we see it as just a story that our mind is telling us. That’s all, it was just a story that my mind was telling me.

There’s something in the subconscious that, I don’t know, it just feels like it’d be easier to quit. Or that people don’t want this, or everything is so hard. That’s the story that was coming up for me, “Oh my God, I can’t believe I have to get on the phone with Zoom. Oh my God, it’s so hard.” Right? That’s what my brain was telling me. And then when I go to do it they were like, because my account had gotten whatever, messed up, whatever it was I couldn’t call. I lost the privilege to call. I had to do it by email and I was like sending all these urgent SOSs.

Anyway, just saying, y’all can see where I’m going with this, right? So what we typically do, or a lot of us do, or I have done in the past, is we see things as being too hard and we give up on the vision because it seems easier. It seems like that’s like the simplest way to do it. And I’m here to tell you that that’s not true. Because I have quit before, I have given up on the vision. I have stopped before I met my goals, and it was terrible. It was terrible to settle and to stifle the vision, to stifle the hope and just go into nothingness. Like, I can’t do that for too long. I don’t know about you, but it does not work for me.

I tried it; I was miserable. And I finally got to the point to commit that no matter how hard it was, no matter what challenges were presented, that I was never going to give up on the hope for humanity. That we could have richer, deeper relationships. That we could be more honest. That life could be more satisfying and more fulfilling.

And that is an improvement on my own life. This is not about me needing to go out and save the world or save people. I don’t think they need saving. And I don’t think the world is broken. I think we’re just in the evolving stage and we’re just transitioning. And there’s nothing that I need to desperately go and do. So it’s not coming from that sort of energy, although I can relate to that because I used to believe that way.

This was more like indulging in the break. It was like a recess to just see, curiously, what was there if I would do that. And it was one of the most beautiful experiences. I didn’t beat myself up. There was no judgment. There was no me belittling myself. There was no shame. None of that. It was like watching this happen on the stage and I was sitting in the theater seats. Or like I’m saying, I was like sitting in the woods at a stream, and just watching this leaf float by. I was super detached from it.

All right, back to my lesson for today. The difference between what I did today and what I see many people do is that I sort of appreciated. I wasn’t afraid to get taken down by negativity, I wasn’t afraid that anything bad was going to happen to me. I was willing to explore the thought that maybe I did want to quit, maybe I did want to stop, maybe that was an option. It’s like, I just wanted to give myself permission to go there.

And once I got there, there was no more resistance. It was a beautiful experience, there was no more resistance. I made a conscious choice to quit. And I made a conscious choice to change my mind. So it wasn’t as if it didn’t happen. It really did happen. I felt it in my body. I went all the way through with the daydream and I considered what it would be like. And then I decided that is not what I wanted. Yeah, it was so empowering.

Anyway, so the reason that most people don’t allow themselves to go there, or don’t allow themselves to continue, is because they haven’t actually practiced how to change, how to control, and how to handle the toddler brain. That was my toddler brain, that little quitter. That, “I want to give up.” That, “This is too hard.” That’s just emotional immaturity. Just not being able to handle the sensations that are coming up and making a big deal out of it by creating drama around it.

And I think if more people understood that they could manage their minds, that they could bring the brain into submission to give them what they want, I believe that they would do this. And so I don’t think that people are lazy or they lack the commitment, I think they just don’t know how to change the habit.

Could it be that simple? That maybe we can just teach the tools instead of belittling people or making it something personal about them, they just haven’t learned how to manage their mind yet. And I was the same way. And I’m willing to believe that whoever is listening to this has had that experience also, because that’s the human condition.

So if you’re human and you have a brain, your brain has been conditioned to do that. And actually that’s just the natural thing that we do, is we just want it to be easy, we want it to be quick, we want the least amount of effort to go out. And once we recognize that we are the ones that are in control, that we can consciously shift and change that, that’s like game on.

And that is basically what I did today, I got up, I dusted myself off, and I changed my mind. And I decided, actually, I’m not going to quit, I’m not going to stop. And it was pleasurable to go there for a moment or for a few moments, but I’m not interested in that forever. I just, you know, just don’t want to.

So this is what I see, most people feel that way for a moment. And then they let their mind win, rather than changing it. Rather than realizing that they can control it. Because they haven’t practiced how to change. They haven’t practiced how to control; they haven’t practiced how to handle. So they think it’s outside of themselves.

So what do we do? Go looking for someone to fix us or to identify what the problem is. And this is what I see so often with my clients, is it’s an addiction to healing or an addiction to break through. And we have believed that it’s something personally defected about ourself and so of course we think the answer is outside of ourself. Of course we think that someone should have to fix us.

Now, I’m not talking about not needing other people. I’m talking about as if there is a personal defect, something that is wrong with you, with me. We’re not worthy enough, we’re not smart enough, we’re not whatever enough we’ve been told. Right? All of that stuff that we believe. It’s just that it’s not true. You just haven’t learned how to change the habit. Changing the habit of being who you are right now. Changing the habit of being yourself.

The way to change it, is to practice changing it. I know that sounds crazy, but you have to change habits and behavior by practicing new habits and behavior. It’s that simple. The mind learns through repetition. We create new neural pathways when we change our habits, and we repeat those new habits over, and over, and over.

Let’s just use exercise as an example. Of course you don’t feel like getting out of bed. Of course you don’t feel like getting dressed. Of course it’s warm and cozy underneath the blankets. Of course your mind is giving you all of the reasons why you shouldn’t do it, or why you should put it off, right? We know this, every single time this is what happens. This is the conversation I have with myself, but I do it anyway. Because I like the way I feel when I am complete. And so I have to remind myself why I’m going to do it and I get dressed anyway.

And so what I have to do is direct my mind to see, “Yes, it’s uncomfortable in this moment right now. But it’s going to be way more uncomfortable if I don’t get up and do it and it’s now the end of the day. I won’t have that new energy, I won’t have that creativity, I won’t feel vibrant or energized.” Like, I have to bring that into my attention. And I have to remind myself why I have to do it.

And this is something you can do. You decide what it is that you want. And all of the ways that you’re going to feel when you have it. And then you prepare for when your brain is going to pull this one on you. Just like mine did today. It’s like, “You know what? This is too hard. This is too much, too much trouble. Let’s just pack up, go to Hawaii.” That’s really literally what it said.

And so whenever you’re going to get out of bed, and you think about sleeping in, taking that extra 30 minutes and going ahead and staying there instead of getting up and moving, if you’ve done the list of how you’re going to feel after, then you have that as a reminder for yourself. And you use it in that moment. Don’t wait until later. It’s like in the moment you tell your brain what you’re going to do, what it’s going to feel like, and it’s non-negotiable.

So this is kind of like when we talk about the four C’s, right? You choose, you commit, you cultivate, and then you continue. So this is how you do that. And you do this every single day. And then what happens? You feel amazing because you moved your body consistently. Because you practiced managing your mind consistently. And then you got the results.

But the thing is, our mind wants to tell us how long it’s going to take. And how hard it’s going to be. And how uncomfortable it is. That’s the stacking or gathering evidence against ourselves. It is your job to call it out and to change, to pivot, to do something different.

So instead of staying in bed, instead of pulling the covers over your head, you throw the covers off and you put your feet on the floor. You actually change that action, okay? And you have to do it over, and over, and over. Every single day, you have to change the habit. That’s how you change your world. That’s how you change your life. That’s how you reinvent yourself.

And I was talking about this on Clubhouse today. I was doing a room that was changing your money beliefs. And one of my clients came to the room and was asking a question. And it was very obvious that she was aware. She says, “I know that this is what I’m doing and…” Right? So it’s like that’s one of the telltale signs, is whenever we say we know and we have that dissonance.

So the story she was presenting is, do you detect a block in me or what do you see? Like, you know, wanting to find out what was wrong with her, like, what was the defect so that it could be fixed. And that’s what I mean by looking outside of yourself. And so a couple of the ladies on the stage answered, and then I came on and had the conversation, and it’s exactly this. She had the awareness. So she had already, like, understood the P, right, the presence. And then she had already unpacked the story. And she already knew it wasn’t true, she does not have a money problem. She makes plenty of money and has made plenty of money. So she was like, “I know that’s not true, but…”

And that’s another telltale sign whenever you say but after, when you say, “I know, but…” You can write that baby down, because that’s one of the unconscious beliefs. So what was happening, she was present, she knew the story wasn’t true, she had already unpacked it. But she wasn’t changing the habit and behavior. So she was seeing it, but she wasn’t stopping it. And that makes the difference. It’s the next step.

But what happens is we get so addicted to break through, so addicted to healing, and to try to find the defect in ourselves that we don’t realize that there is no defect, you’re just not following through with the action. You’re not following through with the commitment. You’re not changing the habit and behavior. And so you’re not changing the neural pathway, so you’re not reinventing and changing yourself. Okay? Because the third step is what is missing, the action step. And you have to repeat that probably 100 times before it actually sticks.

And so whenever someone is starting a new exercise routine, right, it’s like 90 days. See how that’s really close to 100? I don’t think that’s coincidental. Whenever you are working with someone in coaching, it’s like typically the same thing, you’re not going to usually find anyone that’s going to do some sort of coaching for less than three months. And so it’s the same thing, if you have to do it over, and over, and over, and over consistently and you practice that, then you’re going to get the result. You don’t have to fly to the moon to figure this out. It’s really simple.

The problem is, most humans don’t follow through with the decision. They don’t follow through with the commitment. They don’t take the action consistently, period, end of story. So what happens is you let your mind run away with these stories and you are chasing after your mind. Rather than you bringing it back into submission and telling it how to work for you.

All right, that’s what I have for you today. So this is what I want to challenge you with. Decide what it is that you want, and what do you need to get it? You’re already present. You’ve already unpacked all of the story, you know why, you understand that the things that your mind says is not true. Now, what are you going to do about it? Now that you’re aware, now that you understand it, now that you know, what is the action that you’re going to take? And you only have to come up with the very next action that you’re going to take and do consistently until you create the results.

That’s what I challenge you to this week. What is it that you want? What do you need to do to get it? And are you willing to do it over and over at least 100 times until you get the results. Until you change the neural pathway. Until you change the habit and behavior through the practice of changing the habit and behavior.

All right, I know this one was all over the place. And just so you know, I didn’t quit. I mean, I did quit, but I changed my mind. And I’m back in action. I’m back in the game. And just going to say it wasn’t a bad experience. You might want to try it, kind of play around with it and let me know what you come up with.

Thanks for listening to this episode of More Than Mindset.