Ep #230: From Codependency to Liberation: My Personal Evolution
Welcome to More Than Mindset, the only podcast that bridges the gap between spirituality and success. Go beyond the mind with clarity and confidence coach, Kim Guillory, and learn how to integrate your passion to serve with your skills and experience to create a business you love. Let’s get started.
Well, hey there, and welcome back to the show. I have to tell you, it has been a crazy few weeks and the good news is, I’m on the other side of it, something dramatically lifted. Last week I did an interview on YouTube. You can check it out with my human design mentor. I call her mentor. She does not call me her mentor.
She does not say she’s my mentor. And after we were talking and I had this huge awareness, like I talked about on the show last week, but it continued to evolve this release or integration or embodiment of this new stage. It continued to become, I feel light and free. Today is the 4th of July that I’m recording this, and I am celebrating freedom.
I want everyone to experience this. I know I cannot do it for you. I cannot give it to you. I cannot make you want it, but just know in my heart, I am sending you this freedom, this lightness, this fun and easy awareness or acceptance. So, I’m going to just kind of bring it all together. And get you caught up on where I am from this last week.
It is an amazing experience. Like the things that I see, the way that I’m understanding what has been, what was going on, and I’m going to try to articulate it in a way that I’m experiencing it and that I hope you can receive because I do know that we receive according to how we are experiencing and anyway, I’m being silly.
First, I’m going to start off with a couple of new words or phrases that have been really important to me, and then I’m going to break them down for you. Does that sound fair? The first one is enlightened selfishness. Now this is something that came from raw, from the human design system that came from my mentor, and we had a gathering, a 6/2 gathering on Sunday where we hung out for over two hours with a room of 6/2s just sharing their experience of the three stages.
So, for those who are not familiar with human design, no worries. I’m not going to go into it. I’m just saying where the source of enlightened selfishness came from. So, the selfishness is seen as a bad thing for the most part. Would you agree? You shouldn’t be so selfish worrying about you first is selfish. You should right the dots of what others have told us.
And the beauty of enlightened selfishness, it’s more of this awareness of all that is without needing to control or manipulate, and to be in this in, I’ll use the word enlightened, this enlightened state of acceptance. So, I think of the word enlightened as being in the light, meaning, you can see clearly, like maybe there was a time where you could only see bits and pieces, but suddenly the lights are on, and so you’re like in the light, you’re exposed, you can see, you understand differently or more clearly.
So, I’m going to use the word enlightened in that way. So, enlightened selfishness is coming to the understanding that you are responsible for taking care of yourself and yourself first and foremost. The beauty of that is you are not attached to anyone else. You’re not trying to control anyone else. You don’t need anyone to be different.
You can just love them as they are in this state that they are and give yourself the same. So, enlightened selfishness is everyone taking care of their own responsibilities, and their own needs, and allowing other people to do that for themselves. So different from the needy, creepy people, pleasing, codependent, I got to do this and say this for you to feel that sort of thing.
That’s been such a pain point for myself. Maybe not for you, but for most of my clients and people in my life, and that was the conversation with the 6/2s is us wanting to serve at the capacity that it was all that we are. Like I am no one if I am not giving to you or helping you. So, you can see where it was an extreme on the other side, and so there was no self.
It was basically all that I am is a servant of others, and so the enlightened selfishness is more of a personal responsibility of being and accepting one’s true self. That could take a lifetime to get to. It’s not an easy task. It is not like anything to be looked down on. It’s actually the most beautiful thing.
So that’s the first word that I’m going to talk about. The second one, now this is the, an awareness that came to me as we were in conversation. I wrote down the surrendered self. So, the surrendered self is free of attachments, free of needing anyone or anything. To be a certain way to control or manipulate to need to know, but more like a, I am surrendered to all that I am and that comes to me.
All that is coming to me. And you can imagine as if our story here on earth is already written in a book. And the surrendered self is the self that turns the page and awaits the next phase. That feels really good to me. So, I’m curious if it makes sense to you. If it sounds too woo, it has given me a great sense of freedom and love and desire for getting to know everyone as they are.
I’m not needing to change anything about them. So, the surrendered self is a deep state of acceptance of all that I am. And then an acceptance of all that you are and a surrendered acceptance of all that is with everyone, all of the things. That we witness, that we experience that moves through us, and that we move through all of it from a surrendered state of ease, if that’s possible.
So, in other words, it lacks the suffering. The suffering that comes from judging and comparing and trying to control and compete with others. So, the surrendered self, oh my God. It just melted in the cells of my body. Like, everything, just like I felt it viscerally of just stepping into the role of the surrendered self in this state of enlightened selfishness, which is a grand responsibility of being myself.
You being yourself. So good. Another phrase that kept coming to me during this call and during the week is the naked natural, and by that, I mean naturally being who you are, raw, vulnerable, and exposed. The willingness. To have other people witness and experience you as you are naked. Like, you know, that show naked, raw, and afraid or naked and afraid.
I always think of raw because it, it has this raw like, feeling like, I’ve talked about like being on the back of an RV, holding onto the ladder, butt ass naked, going down Main Street at your homecoming parade, on your 20th reunion, like having to see everyone from your hometown, from your childhood high school experiences like the times where you were most vulnerable and shamed for who you are.
Because of all the mean stuff that we do to each other. I think of mean girls and like everyone’s trying to find their place and trying to win and they put down other people in order to feel better about themselves. So, it’s such a wicked time in our life to be in that middle school or young adulthood.
So, the naked natural is like taking off the coat of pretending. What you think other people want to see and hear, like, especially if you guys are in business that needing to show up as a professional. Like why do you want to show up as anything other than who you are, your own brilliance, bringing that forward to other people and helping them, servicing them?
And when we put on that coat of pretending. That disguise of what we think they need to see or hear or believe about us. We actually lose the naturalness, which is the draw to us.
Oh, hope this is as meaningful to you as it is to me. Enlightened Selfishness, The Surrendered Self, and Naked Natural. I could have broken all of these down and done separate shows, which I may do it, but for today, I wanted to share my state of being. It feels like something happened, like on a very deep cellular level.
It’s not anything that I did different you guys witnessed the last few weeks I shared how exposed I felt, how in between stages, it was like just kind of messy. I knew I was releasing some old habits and behaviors and beliefs, but I couldn’t see what I was stepping into because I had yet to turn the page.
So, I couldn’t see what was coming in the next chapters of the book, like I’m saying earlier, it’s like a book and it’s all written, and we are living the pages, we’re living the story. Now we get to be in control of the way that we think, the way that we believe, the way that we feel, that is up to us. But the way life is orchestrated, which is in our best interest, by the way, in our best interest.
More so than our mind can imagine. Matter of fact that whenever your mind imagines it limits because the mind is limited. It’s limited to what it has seen, heard, and experienced. So, the mind can only go back and grab experiences that have been. So, when you’re willing to be surprised by what else is possible, that’s what’s in the book.
That’s what’s beyond the mind. That is more from an expansive soul level, so different than a mental level. And this deep trust lives in the cells of the body, not in the mind, not in the head, not in your thoughts, but in the cells of your being. Sothere are a few other things that. Came through of course, one being that the 6/2s off the roof shared this same story pretty simultaneously, and that was, we thought we knew.
So, are we willing to let go of what we know to know something else? You know how I’m always saying that. Well, there’s this, I thought I experienced that already. I thought I knew that already. I thought I understood that already.
But here’s the catchall. Not as the identity that you are today. So, what we understood when we were in seventh grade, or when we were 30, or when we were 42, is different. Like that information is received and experienced differently as you gain wisdom. So, as you move through life and you become more mature, more understanding, more empathetic, more compassionate for yourself and others, that new identity now gets to experience that lesson as you are today.
So, that is something that we continued to kind of recycle that story of how we thought. We already got that. We already understood that. We thought we already learned that lesson, which we did, but not all the way through to the layers that we receive it today. So, here’s an example, a couple of years ago, I remember it was December I was driving to Asheville, and it felt like something was like energetically gutted from my body.
I don’t know if you guys have ever felt kind of like an entanglement or an entrapment with other people, like just kind of caught in a people-pleasing cycle where you’re like, you can’t get out of it and you keep thinking that you need to do more, and then if you do more, then it’ll be okay and it’ll work out.
So, you just kind of get trapped in it. Well, I was trapped in that with friends and clients and whatever that experience was that happened, it was like two in the morning. I was like driving. I was on my last leg before I got to the hotel and it was a visceral experience. I couldn’t listen to anything.
I couldn’t listen to any podcasts. I couldn’t listen to the radio. I had the windows down. It was pitch black. I was just like, what is this? And I just like allowed it to move and then I was suddenly free of it, and I was like, oh my God, I’ve never experienced this sort of freedom. I think I’ve always been trapped in, some of you call it being empathetic.
Like, it’s like you feel you carry or take on other people’s stuff and it’s like stuck and you can’t not do it because your nervous system has an addiction to it. And so, it’s like you don’t know really how to live without that. So that’s how it was for me. So, I ended a lot of relationships. I got super clean and like had conversations with everyone involved and it felt really good, and I was like, I am never getting caught in that again.
Because I recognized how I get trapped in that and it’s my fault. It’s me. I see something, I see some potential or I see like, I was like, oh my God, you should do this, you should try this. And then I get all hooked up in them. So, I thought I had that figured out and I was like, I’m never going to do that again. It feels really good not to do that anymore.
But here’s the thing. I was still doing it in my business. So, the identity of my business still carried that imprint, meaning that the way we were running the programs and the services and the coaching offerings were still under those premises of these old promises or commitments that actually weren’t working anymore.
And it felt very graspy and sticky and almost like manipulative, like trying to get people to get to a certain point before they were ready or even asking for it. But I couldn’t see it because I was hooked in it just like I was hooked in relationships. Well, I was very surprised to see that last week.
Very surprised. As a matter of fact, two days after that, I got on the phone. I had conversations with people. I refunded money, I canceled events. I canceled speaking gigs and interviews and things that felt like they were still under that old initiating energy like it was my idea, and I was trying to get in front of people, and I was trying to get this message across, and I was trying, you see what I’m saying.
Like I recognized how much of that was still going on and I could feel that rubberized pressure pushing back like I talked about last week, on last week’s show. So, if you guys didn’t hear it, go back and listen to it because it’s all tying in together. So, when I recognized that I was feeling the pressure to force things into fruition.
I wanted to come clean, and it was not easy. Listen, my mind was like, you should lie. You shouldn’t tell them. And I was like, then I would not be playing my role. I wouldn’t be the example of truth and integrity and honesty and transparency, and those are my core values. So, I wouldn’t be being me, I would be a, what do you call that?
Like, a little cop-out, little sissy, little, like going and hiding and not being like the natural, being in my naturalness, being naked. I wouldn’t be surrendered. I surely wouldn’t be in enlightenment. I would be trying to manipulate and control the way they thought about me, the way that they judged me or whatever, and I wouldn’t have been in my being.
And so, I committed to being, and I realized how I held my word like as this locked-in imprisoned commitment. So, if like if I said I would do this, I would like die doing it even if it wasn’t working. And that is so out of integrity for all of us. So, I was able to see that, I was able to release it and with each thing I released and each dollar I refunded, and each person I talked to, I was more and more liberated and free.
Not easy. Totally worth it. And now I want to have more conversations about bringing in this new iteration of ourselves forward. I want to have more conversations with people who are moving through cycles and doing it in an exposed way instead of like, I got to go hide and process and heal myself and lick my wounds and then come out all perfect so, nobody knows what happened
No, that isn’t going to work. That’s not going to work because we’re never going to arrive. We’re never going to be perfect. We’re probably never going to quit beating up ourselves that we didn’t get it right. But what we can do is grow muscle. For experiencing it in the raw, in the real, in the natural surrendered state of enlightened selfishness because my commitment to being what people thought about me as accountable, reliable, and dependable, was outranking my serving myself in a healthy way.
Does that make sense? So, the enlightened selfishness was recognizing that I was more accountable, loyal, and committed to what people thought about me, as in I am dependable and reliable. Look at me. How I say and what I say and do and look how that’s a great example.
And look how I’m better than other people because I’m so committed and loyal. Instead of being committed and loyal with life that’s moving, not stuck, it’s as if I made a commitment. To marry a certain person and then recognize both of us recognized, but we’re like, we’re going to die married because we said we were going to stay married.
It’s like that. It felt like I was in a bad marriage in my business. It’s like I was locked into this marriage as the identity of the people pleasing, codependent. I’m not worth anything unless I’m giving you everything identity. Yuck. It was so yuck to be able to see that I was humiliated. I saw the shame I wanted to hide.
I was so embarrassed, and I was humbled, and I sat with that. I stayed with that. I embraced it, and then I made the phone calls and that is where I’m at today. Being the example of beingness, I do not need to be the thing that I committed to when I was 20 or 30 or 40 because I’m not anymore that person.
I’m not that identity. I’m not that iteration. I actually want to be what I am today. I want to utilize the wisdom and the knowledge that I have taken in the last couple of years, and I want to be the example of that freedom. I want to represent and guide other people to experience this for themselves.
That is totally different than I have an agenda. I have the path. This is what you need to do, and then we’re stuck in this entrapment or entanglement. It doesn’t feel good for either of us, so thank you to those who received this message, who stayed on the phone with me and hashed this out and gave me the space to express and witnessed.
Gave me the courage to speak it publicly because you witnessed me in it, and you did not judge me or throw me away. You actually thanked me and were in the process with me. I appreciate you. I love you. Thank you. I wish this for you. All right. I’m going to keep breaking this down. I have so much more to say about this.
It has been an amazing week, and to be able to objectify my mind through this experience and it is so good. I feel so liberated, and I feel so free. So, I wish it for you. If you enjoyed this episode, please rate and review the podcast. Share it with family and friends who you think would be interested and let us know, what was your takeaway?
Has it impacted you in any way? You can go to the free More Than Mindset Facebook group and share your experience and be witnessed in your process of change, have an amazing week.
Thanks for listening to this episode of More Than Mindset.