Ep #36: The Cost of Shame

Welcome to More Than Mindset, the only podcast that bridges the gap between spirituality and success. Go beyond the mind with clarity and confidence coach Kim Guillory and learn how to integrate your passion to serve with your skills and experience to create a business you love. Let’s get started.

Hey guys, welcome back to the show. As always, I’m excited to bring a new episode to you. Today, we’re going to talk about some really fun stuff, but first, I would love to hear, what are your thoughts about the new name, More Than Mindset? This is something that came through to me while I was riding my bike. And I was thinking of all of the questions that I get.

So I was really stubborn about not changing the name or, like, making sure it stayed Integrative Life or the Integrative Life Coach or Integrative Training because integrative, to me, is the key. Then I realized, like, for you who are coaches, you understand what I’m saying here, it’s like I was actually speaking, or like naming the actual process. 

And I as I answered to more and more people, I realized that it was my job, it was my role to be clear, and so I’m riding my bike one day and I’m thinking about this and so much more than mindset, but it’s so much more than life coaching. Like, I can take them so much further than just mindset or further than the self-coaching model or I can take them beyond the thoughts.

And it just kept coming up until I was like, I just kind of grabbed it and I wrote it down and I sent it to my Facebook ads guy and I said to the gal who was helping me with the membership site, I was like, what do you guys think? And they were like, yes, good, done. Then I sent it to Pavel, and so we kind of all agreed that it was a great place to land.

So as I feel the show expanding, and I know the areas that I want to go into and I love mindset. Mindset truly grounded my unique gifts, my spiritual work and my emotional processing. Like, it was a way to take that and give it this tangible place to come and land, you know, in a way that I was able to hold a better stronger container and be super clear and kind of just root down into the earth and then kind of be able to play up and push the edges, you know, guys, that’s kind of what I do. I ruffle feathers and I push edges.

And this new name gives me more of the space to play in, so welcome to More Than Mindset. Pull up a seat and let’s get started. And I probably should say, before going any further, nothing else has changed. I still have the Integrative Coach training program where I teach self-management and self-regulation and it’s all about plugging your system, your specialty, whatever your expert authority positioning is in your industry, into this simple unique five-step approach.

It’s a beautiful model for gaining power and control of your health, your wealth, and your relationships. And I don’t mean relationships just by your marriage or your friendships or your employee relationships. I’m talking about relationships even with yourself, the relationship with your business, the relationship with your money, with your intimacy, with your partner, with your – like it’s relationships with everything because really how we do anything is how we do everything.

And so it’s going to show up in our health, in our money, and in the way we show up in our relationships. So the Integrative Coach training is still in existence. We do still have the Integrative Life Facebook group. That’s the free group that you can come and join along in. And it’s a place to come and huddle and meet other people who are on the journey. So that is still in existence.

And then we have the portal, and so that is the coach’s portal because once you come into the coaching program, you stay a part of the community, so we continue to grow together. So once you invest in, you stay and continue to grow and evolve in your business, in the practice, in the coaching industry, and that is what we do in the coaching portal. So that’s a really big aspect of what I’ve seen in the industry.

You know, I have so many certifications. I did health coach, life coach, massage therapy, yoga teacher, meditation teacher, like, hypnotherapy. And there’s kind of not this hub of support where you continue to grow and evolve your skill set. That was really important to me, to have a place where you can get some practical training where you could consistently grow and do this with your peers and it’s a place that you can recommend each other and you can kind of hash out some of the issues that come up in your business with each other. And so the coach’s portal is the place to do that.

Alright, so let’s get started with today’s show. That was my five-minute blurb, what’s going on in my world. I’m super excited about it.

So today, we’re going to talk about what is the cost of shame? You know, last week I talked about my experience with receiving the award for one of the high earners of the school that I attended and that story that came up in my body, like the emotions felt like were out of my control at the time. And this is what I talk about when I say self-regulation. It’s that ability to manage the sensations that come through the body.

So I’ve been doing this free training on Facebook, on my Kim Guillory coaching page, the month of October – if you guys are missing it or catching this later, you can go to Kim Guillory Coaching and you can see all the videos from every day’s live training.

So especially if you’re a coach or a practitioner and you’re trying to get your own business started, or just become an entrepreneur in general, it’s a great place to go and grab some of the resources.

I talk about the common problems that anyone as a business owner, as a coach, has to run into and across. And I’m saying has to because it’s just part of the process. But what happens is coaches get caught in this imposter syndrome. It’s this shame of I don’t know enough, I’m not the expert, I can’t help people, I haven’t experienced that myself, I don’t know if I’m going to be able to help someone with a problem that I haven’t seen yet, right?

And that actual imposter syndrome and that shame is coming from this not good enough or who am I, as a coach, or will I know enough to help them to give them advice? And here’s the thing I want to tell you; coaches don’t give advice. Coaches hold space. We help our clients see what the problem is because they already have the resources to fix their own problems. They do not need us or anyone else.

They don’t need a guru. They don’t need a person to tell them what to do. They need someone to show them what they’re thinking and what they’re feeling that’s driving their actions that’s getting the results that they don’t want. And that is the beauty of what I teach in this coaching program, in this training. It’s how to master those skills.

So it’s great to hear it a few times and you kind of get it and you kind of try it, but here’s the problem, if you haven’t received the transformation in your own personal life, then you’re not going to understand how to hold that container, that space, to show it to someone else, to help someone else.

What you’re going to do is be all up in the Kool-Aid. And by that I mean you get up all in their emotions and their business and you try to fix them and you think it’s their responsibility on if they get a breakthrough or how it turns out. And you taking on that responsibility is actually you not trusting in your own skill set.

And you’re looking for them to validate what you are looking for, does that make sense?  And so it’s basically your work that needs to happen here. And so you’re taking your insecurity, your lack of confidence, and you want the client to get the breakthrough so that you can feel good about yourself. It’s pretty raunchy, let’s just face it, okay. I see this a lot in the coaching industry, and that’s why they have this imposter syndrome.

And the thing that’s driving it is the shame. And so when I talk about the cost of shame, it’s costing you your business. It’s costing your clients getting the help that they need. It’s costing your own personal growth and transformation. So because I’m – anything I talk about on the podcast, just know that it’s something I’ve either recently experienced in my life or something that my clients are going through at the time or someone’s had a major breakthrough or we have a new awareness.

And as it comes up, I see it – like I always say, how you do anything is how you do everything, once it comes up and it comes into my awareness, I will see it everywhere. And then it’s like, okay, if all of these people are coming forward, if all of the text messages and the email questions are about the same thing, then that’s when I choose to talk about it. And it’s usually in alignment with the can of worms that I opened up.

So it’s where the conversation is steering in the coach training and that’s where this came up this week as I was doing this free training on Facebook is we were talking about why they’re not making the money, why they’re not making offers. And it comes down to the judgment and comparison of I can’t do it, I can’t have it, I’m not good enough, I don’t know what I’m doing yet, it takes time, I can’t do what others are doing because…

And so this is your assignment for today. I want you to ask yourself the question – write this down – ask yourself the question, why can’t I make money? Or why am I not making money? And then I want you to list all of the reasons why, and be very honest with yourself. Be willing to look into this shame.  I call it leaning into the shame.

Name all of the reasons why. I’m a weight loss coach and I haven’t lost the weight. I’m a money coach and I haven’t made the money, all of the things. Because this is why you have imposter syndrome, because you truly are marketing something that you haven’t figured out yet. And so it’s very important to note the shame of that.

Maybe you’ve done it one time. Maybe you’ve figured out how to make $5000, so now you want to teach the world to make $50,000. We see this. I know this because I work with so many peer coaches and because my business is coaching coaches as well as training coaches. So I hear all of these stories. I know exactly what’s happening behind the scenes and what they’re saying they’re doing on Facebook compared to what’s really happening in these private groups.

Okay, so the shame is costing the money. It’s costing the clients. It’s costing you from launching your business. And so if you’re willing to look at all the reasons why and you’re willing to sit with that shame, so the first step is why am I not doing it, list all the reasons, the second step is, next to each one, I want you to write the proof of how you know that.

So this is the second step. So we want to unveil. So the first thing is to recognize I’m not making money, I’m not doing what I want to do in my business, second thing is to find out why, write it all down so that you can see it, show yourself all of the proof why you think that is true. And so you’re going to like list all of that.

And then I want you to ask the question, how are others doing it? And I want you to tell yourself all of the reasons why I can do it and you can’t do it, why that person can do it and you can’t do it, why you see that coach do it and you can’t do it. So I want you to write all of those reasons why and the proof.

So this is your assignment. This is just for awareness. I want you to recognize and notice. Once you see it and you’re aware of it and you’re no longer denying it, I want you to sit in the shame of it, because I’m 80 pounds overweight and I’m supposed to be a weight loss coach, because I haven’t figured out how to make money consistently in my own business and I’m a money coach.

I want you to, like, sit in the sensation of what that brings up. Don’t run from this part, guys. Don’t try to hide it, don’t try to deny it, and don’t rationalize it. This is the greatest gift I can give you right now to help you break through this.

So we’ve done this. I’ve had several clients this week who broke through major blocks, like 40, 50, 30 year blocks, fascinating, once you’re able to see the BS, the belief system that your brain is feeding you, what can happen after. Because you have to see it to life it, to shift it.

And so it’s like we have to pull the weeds before we plant new seeds. Don’t miss this part. Make your list, follow through, do the rest of the assignment. And if you don’t do it, ask yourself why. Ask yourself why you are just absorbing information and not putting it into action and there you’re going to get your answer on why you’re not making the money, because this is what so many of you are doing.

You’re just listening and listening, listening, consuming, and then you’re not taking action. If you want to build a business, you’re going to have to invest and work your butt off like the rest of us who are doing it. And I want you to really sit with why you think you’re not doing it and we are, rather than looking at that truth.

This is tough stuff. You’ve got to get really honest with yourself and it’s going to take leaning into this shame, otherwise the shame is going to keep costing you. You’ve got to know why this is important. You’ve got to know what your why is.

And if your why is not compelling, then you’re not going to do this work and that’s how you’re going to know that your why is not compelling enough because you don’t even know why you’re not doing your homework, you don’t even know why you’re not doing the assignments, why you’re not taking action. So you want to break all of this stuff down.

Alright, when the shame comes up, like there’s a thought, I can’t do it because I haven’t done it in my own life, I’m not the example of it, I feel like a fraud, then you will have this sensation. It’s like this quiver or this quake.  It’s this sensation that moves through your body. It feels very uncomfortable.

I’m going to do this with you, so I want you to be doing your work with me. Put me on pause, do the work and come back. I want to show you how you will feel the quiver, you will feel the quake. It will feel like a punch in the gut or it will feel like a heaviness in the heart, maybe some throbbing in the throat, but typically it’s between the jaw and the belly. Write down where you feel it at.

Is it a quiver? Is it this quaking? Is it a shake? Is it a heat? Is it a pressure? Is it a throbbing? Like, describe the sensation that comes up when you think, I’m not qualified, I’m inadequate, I’m an imposter, I’m a fraud. Get into that shame. Really lean into the feelings, the sensation of what that feels like when you think that thought, and stay with it. Don’t be in a hurry. You need at least 90 seconds.

You’re going to want to eject. You’re going to want to start washing dishes or making the bed or doing laundry or sweeping the floor. You’re going to want to turn this off.  I’m asking you not to. I’m asking you to feel the quiver. I’m asking you to feel it, allow it to begin to dissolve.

Recognize that it’s just a sensation in your body. This is the shadow of the same, and if you’re willing to lean into the shadow, you can gain power and control. This is how you self-regulate, bringing that emotion, toning it down in order to feel it. It needs to be felt in order for it to melt.

I’m here with you.  I’m staying with you. Notice how it moves. Notice how it has this little shiver, this little quiver, this little quake, and notice how you want to quit, because this is what you’re doing in your business. This is what you’re doing in your relationships. This is what you’re doing with your diet and wellness approaches.

When the quiver comes, when the quake comes, then you eject. You want to quit and that is the neural pathway and that’s’ why you continue to follow it, because that is the habit. That is what you’re used to. So today, be here with it and notice. Sit with it. Don’t go anywhere.  Imagine that it’s a wild horse and you’re pulling the reins and you’re just like, whoa, it’s okay to feel. It’s okay to feel this. it’s okay to feel shame.

Shame is part of the human experience. Shame is part of my humanity. Shame will not hurt me, it’s just shame. But it will hurt me if I continue to ignore it and the cost will be I will not grow and evolve, I will not experience new experiences.  Use the time to just stay right here right now and never get to the next level. It is costing me money.

It is costing me intimacy because when this feeling comes up in my relationships, I bolt. I quit. I either react, or I freeze. It is costing me intimacy. It is costing me relationship with myself, with my money, with my friends, with my partner and it is costing me my health because feelings buried alive never die.

So just because you feel it right now is the indicator that it’s there and it’s always been there because you haven’t felt it, you haven’t integrated it. And because you haven’t integrated it, it has the power and control over you.

Take a couple of breaths and make sure you’re exhaling. This old blocked emotion leaves on the exhale. You may find yourself, like a lot of my clients when we’re breaking through, especially on these deep levels, they will cough. And what happens is grief is processed in the lungs. And so as we’re in session, they’ll have this cough and so if you had a little cough, that’s where it comes from. It’s beautiful.

The way the body speaks is amazing. The problem is we’ve turned off the communication. We’ve turned off the valve. We’ve turned the unit off. And because we don’t want to feel an uncomfortable emotion or feeling or sensation, we actually have blocked off the contrast. Does that make sense?

So I was working with a client, we were working through, I would say, like a 58-year shame story. It was really powerful. It was a beautiful thing. And once we were done, we kind of came out of the portal. So I call it the portal. That’s where we do the work. It’s really deep work, but it’s beautiful work. And as we were coming back to the earthly realm, we were coming down from the portal, we were coming back, and then getting everything acclimated, integrated, and embodied on all levels, then I asked the question, what are you feeling now?

And she said, light and easy, I’m in gratitude and joy. And there you go, the contrast of shame was play, that light and easy gratitude and joy. The thing she had been seeking her entire life was how to play, permission to play. And suddenly, it was the visions of playing in the meadow and running and being in the grass, being in nature, being in ease. And that was the cost of the shame is she had blocked herself out from receiving that.

She had shut off that potential, that possibility of playing because the shame, the shadow of the shame was holding all of the cards. That was the military. It’s like that’s the we’re no ever going to let anyone see this shame, no matter what it costs, even if it costs our joy, our play, our peace, our gratitude.

And being able to do this work gives me so much gratitude. I am so humbled by this unique gift that I have, that I carry, that I possess because I was willing to go into the shadow and I was willing to release those old stories, the programs that I had been taught, that society had taught me, the systems, those structures and strategies and rules and labels because I was willing to go into the shadow of the shame of the fear of the doubt and I was willing to stay with the process and release those programs, release those stories and tap into intuition.

And this is something that you have also. It’s not just in one of us. It’s not just in some of us. It’s in all of us. Are you willing to do the work, to tap into that intuitive flow, that inner knowing, that natural essence of who you truly are as a soul being in a body suit. Because this is it.

It’s a beautiful, beautiful play, like, my dream is to experience the full expression of my soul’s essence, like the full expression, all of the contrast. Am I willing to feel the shame in order to step into the play and the ease and the gratitude and the abundance? Heck yes, because the shame is only a sensation in my body.

It is a feeling that scares the bejeezus out of me. It makes me quiver and quake and shake. It makes my heart pulsate and pound and it makes me quit. And I don’t want to quit anymore. I don’t want to pay the price of shame. I don’t want it to cost me abundance and growth and evolving and experience and time and money and intimacy and health.

I don’t want that anymore. I’m not willing to pay that price anymore. I’m willing to lean into the shadow, to become the light because the contrast of light is the shadow. The contrast of the shadow is the light. You can’t have one without the other. That is the shadow dancing. That is the lull between the third dimension and the fifth dimension, that is the bridge to bridge together humanity and spirituality, soul essence with the material world.

That bridge, that is the play when we go in and out and in and out and we dance, instead of hiding in the closet and shivering and shaking and keeping the door closed, we open the door, we turn the light on and we come out for the dance of life. That, we have the power of. That is our empowerment. But you have to learn how to self-regulate, how to lean into the scary emotions and sensations.

And this is a big part of why the coaches have imposter syndrome and the coaches can’t hold the space and they keep jumping into the pool with the clients. They keep, like, believing their story and then they let their clients, they’re victim, and they buy into this martyr and saint mentality and the people-pleasing, like what I was talking about on the earlier episodes with woundology. It’s like that is your pain that you are putting out into the world and mirroring back and trying to fix. That’s why you want to fix and save people and that is not what the world needs.

Do your own work. Go into your own shadow. Lean into the sensations in your body and ask them, what have you got for me today? What are you showing me today? What are you teaching me today? Because I am ready to grow and evolve. I’m ready to experience you. I’m ready for more. I’m ready for better health. I’m ready for wealth. I’m ready for improved relationships. I want it all and I invite you to have it all. I invite you to say, right here right now, I want more, and claim it, and watch the doors open.

And you can go ahead and send an email to [email protected] and tell me you’re coming because when you say it, you can get ready. The universe will conspire to bring it to you.

So, that is it for today. This was a really fun episode. It’s a very heavy piece that we’ve been working on, but the other side of it is so light and fun. It’s so exciting. And I want for the world to experience it.

There’s so much more that I could tell you on this but I don’t want the episode to go on too long, so I’ll just continue forward in the next one, so stay tuned. Give me a five-star review, rating, share with your friends, let other people know that this work is out there. It would really help to get the word out, spread it, share it on social media. Let me know if it’s helping you.

I’ve had someone contacting me this week and she was like, “I went and listened to your podcast,” but she was like, “I just wasn’t there yet.” And then she said, “A few episodes in, it clicked, I understood.” And she’s like, “You know, since I was a little girl, I’ve always known things. I’ve always felt things in my stomach. I’ve always known exactly what to do or what was going to happen and you found a way to help me see that that was a gift, that I actually now realize, I want more of that, that my business can’t go any further with just mindset. Like, I need this part of me.”

And I’m like, yes, we have to bring back all of those fragmented pieces that we’ve turned off because the program and the system and the mind and the people of the world have told us that we can’t be all of this, that it’s not normal. That is not true. It actually is what we are. We’re a soul essence in a body suit having an experience together. It’s so beautiful.

Alright, until next week, guys, take care. Go out there, feel some shame, feel some emotion, get this stuff moving, and do a lot of exhales and enjoy the journey.

Thanks for listening to this episode of More Than Mindset. If you’re feeling stuck on your journey to health, wealth, and relationships, head over to www.portal.kimguillory.com to learn more about the portal.  It’s a membership community where we take this work deeper, apply the concepts, and coach around the tough stuff.