Ep #142: Elevate or Negotiate

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Hey there, and welcome back to the More Than Mindset show. This week I am talking about elevate or negotiate. We’re going to bring in the conversation about why we negotiate. If we want to elevate, if we want to grow, if we want to evolve, what is holding us back? That is what we’re going to cover today.

So I just returned from a retreat in Gulf Shores, which was amazing. Half of the retreat was E-school, which was for entrepreneurship, growing your online business, establishing your positioning and your unique offer and all that fun stuff. It was all about business. We did branding photos and marketing plans, really broke down any blocks that were in the way from helping people grow.

And the second half of the retreat was Self Healing Masters. So that was all about personal self-healing and empowerment. And the theme from day one all the way across the week was are you negotiating? And that’s like a really important question.

So think about this, whether it’s what you’re eating, what you’re doing, what you’re talking about, take a moment and ask yourself, is this going to help me get closer to what I want? Or is this going to take me further away?

So imagine that you wanted to feel healthier. You wanted maybe to lose weight, or to clean up your diet, or just to feel better and begin to move your body more. And it’s nighttime and you’re a little bored, and you’re digging in the pantry and you’re going to eat this snack. Ask yourself, is this going to help me get to where I want to go? Is this elevating me? Or am I negotiating what I really want in order to do this right now? Is it serving me?

So let’s take a moment and talk about why we negotiate. We did this, we broke down, like we had big post-its on the wall and we went around the room and we pretty much brought it down to three or four reasons. And the very first one that I found was most impactful for the majority of people is I’m afraid to change because I don’t know who I’ll be. I don’t even know how the world will perceive me, if I won’t be accepted.

Like if I change will I lose the positioning that I have now, the identity that I have now? And because that was so unfamiliar, not knowing what it was going to look like when you stopped negotiating and you started elevating,  that that was enough to have people just stop and wait and watch.

And then over time, before you know it, you have contained that old identity. You’ve like reinforced the neural pathways and you continue to hold on to that old dialog that’s running in your head, the reasons why you think it’s not possible. And if you can figure out what that secondary gain is, what is preventing you from moving forward, from elevating, from growing, it’s going to make this a lot easier. Because when you understand, you can change.

So the first reason, I don’t know who I will be. I don’t know if it’ll be okay. I don’t know if it’s going to cause angst with people who know me if I change who I am, my persona, my personality, my identity.

The second reason, and this one was a close tie with the first is, I don’t know what they’ll say about me. Guys, that’s big stuff. I’m willing to hold on to what is right now and I’m willing to negotiate my desires, my passion, my dreams, my vision. I’m willing to negotiate that in order to feel safe in the familiar because if I do change, if I do elevate and they talk about me, then I will feel left out, rejected, shame.

I will be held back by embarrassment by what other people are saying about me. Is it worth it? Is it worth it? I think of it this way, I’ve done this for so long, first of all, and these are the number one reasons why I also had a hard time because I couldn’t see who would be there with this newer version of me.

And so to my dialogue, my inner dialogue that was we’ve got to behave this way because this is what people approve of. We can’t change because then these people won’t treat me the same or they won’t be there if I change. They won’t give me a chance, they’re going to have judgment about me or they’re going to compare me to who they think I should be.

And these thoughts, and it’s just thoughts, I don’t want to take it lightly because I know it’s more than thoughts, it feels more than thoughts because it’s beliefs. Because you’ve been thinking the thoughts for so long that you have become that and you believe it’s true. It is a truth to you. I tried doing that, I tried doing something different and everyone was mad at me. And then I ended up alone, afraid, whatever it is that happens.

And I can relate to this so much. And seeing it in business is one thing, but seeing it in your personal life when you’re talking about your relationships or your health. Think about when maybe you lost 30 pounds, and you quit like the drinking and eating out.

There was a time where you just like hung out at the bar, in the backyard, and at the campfire, and eating chips and dip, and gossiping, and drinking whatever. And you wake up and you feel like crap. And so the next day you just do it all over again. And you have amazing friends who come over to do it with you because that creates crowds.

And then you decide I don’t feel good. I don’t want to do this anymore. This is uncomfortable in my body. I don’t like the extra weight. I don’t like the way I have aches and pains. I don’t have high energy, I don’t feel vibrant. And so the other part of that is if I change, I won’t have these friends, I won’t have this fun.

And so you can see the angst, right, you can see the dissonance that keeps you in that position. You have to decide if the negotiating is worth it when you’re not feeling good or when you’re not loving the way you look or feel. And this is not always by pounds. Sometimes it’s just low energy because the alcohol starts to weigh on you, the effects of how you feel the next day.

And when you negotiate you don’t realize how much time is passing. And then age is happening at the same time. And then before you know it, you have this whole other issue that you’re facing. And that did not come because of one decision. That came because you were negotiating decision after decision after decision after decision.

So whenever you choose to stop negotiating and start committing, and you do it over time, the one or two times that you negotiate are not going to be a big deal. It’s when we do it repeatedly. So let’s get back to the topic of how we do this in our business and also in our relationships.

So that’s how we do it in our health. We negotiate vibrancy by quick hits, by momentary feelings. Like this margarita is going to feel really good right now. And then we have two, and then we have three. And then the next day what have you negotiated? The way you feel, right? It’s that byproduct, the byproduct of negotiating feels like crap. And you do it every time and before you know it, you have a crappy life.

So when you do it in your business, like not letting the world see who you truly are. We negotiate the transparency. Like I can’t show the world who I am, I can’t be who I am. I have to hide parts of me because people are going to talk about me, people are going to judge me. They’re going to point the finger and laugh at me and say, “Who does she think she is?” All of this stuff starts coming up.

And when you negotiate that, you’re actually giving in to the old identity that you no longer want. It’s so tricky. The only time we should negotiate is when it helps us gain our goal. So we might negotiate staying at this job a little longer as we simultaneously do new things to create the new business.

So this is for someone who’s leaving corporate and moving into entrepreneurship. You may negotiate your desires and just kind of make a bargain or a deal with yourself, like I’m willing to stay here for another year, for three more years, as I begin to build or establish this new identity or this new business. Those are the only times you should negotiate.

And it’s the same thing in your partnerships or your relationships. How often do you negotiate your desires in order to please someone else? And then before you know it, it’s a 5, 10, 15 year relationship of being something that you’re not in order to please someone. How often do we do that?

Do we negotiate growing or lack of growing in order to, I’ll say we think it’s making someone else feel safe, because we believe that we’re responsible for their feelings, which is not true. They are 100% responsible for their own feelings. But when we’re caught in that loop, we negotiate so they don’t feel bad.

So I want you all to think about that. How many times do you do this? Do you negotiate growing or not growing in order to keep a relationship comfortable? And then neither one of you grow because you’re not willing to allow them to do their own work, and to make their own decisions, and to be personally responsible for themselves.

I believe the best thing we can do in our relationships is become our whole selves, our whole healthy self, so that you have an adult individual. A responsible individual, a mature individual, who is living in their wholeness in the highest version of themselves that is attainable in that moment in time.

If you have two people who are living as their highest version, who are not negotiating, and who have open communication and conversation, who you can be vulnerable and transparent with. And those two individuals will have a richer relationship.

But when you first start to do it and the other one is not on board, then there’s this, “Oh, you’re making me feel better. You’re making me choose. You’re making this hard on me. And you’re so selfish, and why are you doing this?” That’s the relationship conversation that’s going on.

I want to offer you to trust the process, that as you begin to grow, as you begin to evolve or elevate, could you trust that the others in your relationships will come along or will choose for themselves that they don’t want it. And then you can still end with love. Or you can still move along with more intimacy, more compatibility.

I know it’s scary, I work with this all the time. Because I help people grow their business, their relationship stuff comes up, their health comes up. And it comes up because we’re negotiating. And we negotiate because it comes up.

So I’ll just give you a little example what this looks like. When you first start showing up publicly on social media or just telling people what you do. When you first start doing that there are aspects of yourself that are afraid and they don’t want to come on board because they have already experienced shame, or competition, or being rejected, or whatever it is that comes up for them.

And that aspect starts creating trouble in the body. And so you may see it as back pain, shoulder pain, vision problems, hearing problems. One of the things I see so, so often is a rash on the face. And it’s because you’re trying to come out and you’re saving face.

This stuff, guys, we don’t make this up. The body is so wise it’s always speaking to us and showing us things and giving us messages. But we are afraid and we negotiate instead of moving through it and allowing it to move out of us.

So I saw this at retreat this weekend. We had one of our retreatants, who was like kind of, I’ll say coming out the closet, right? Because it’s like, “Hey, I’m becoming more of myself, here I am.” And as soon as she did that for the photo shoot, the next morning she wakes up and her whole face is rough and has a rash. A rash all the way around her mouth.

And then the next day she had this angst show up. She had some stuff show up in her home life. And it was creating shame and it was creating, I’ll say, drama and anger. And guess what started showing up again, this circle around her mouth. I watched it, I watched it get really, really red.

And I remember the time when that happened to me, I have pictures. I had this rash all the way around my mouth and then I had this red spot right in front of my throat. And it’s not coincidental, it’s what we’re speaking. It’s what we’re sharing, it’s what we’re communicating.

And then we have that aspect of us that’s like shutting it down, closing it down, saying, “No, no, no. No, no, no, let’s just keep things like they are. It’s really safe here. Shh, shh, don’t do that.” That’s what’s happening.

And we are like half here and half here. We half want to be brave, and then we’re half afraid. And so it starts coming up in the body because that resistance will physically manifest. So that’s how it affects our health. That negotiating is coming from trying to be comfortable. Like, “I don’t want this to happen. I don’t want this to show I need this to go away. So I’m not going to do it. It’s too hard. I don’t want them to pick on me, I don’t want them to call me out I have to stop.” That’s negotiating. That’s negotiating.

Elevating is allowing people to think whatever they are going to think and to be in the highest version of yourself, to be in authenticity, to be honest, to be open, to be transparent. And even to express what you’re experiencing at the time that you’re experiencing.

Like, “Hey guys, oh, it’s really hard. I’ve been changing and growing, and I’m not even the same person that I used to be. It’s really hard when people call you out on your past and they start slamming you on social media. They start making comments on your Facebook posts. They start screenshotting and sending troubling messages. It’s really really hard. It’s really scary. And it’s showing up in my body. I’m freaking the flip out.” Be honest, transparent, open about it.

When you hide in shame, you are negotiating. And by the way, I’m so like, in this right now. I’m thinking about when you don’t do it, and you quit playing, you just throw in the towel and you just resign. Like, “It’s not going to happen. I quit. It’s too hard. I want people to quit picking on me.” Well, guess what? Guess who won? It wasn’t you. It wasn’t you. You let the bullies win.

And the only reason the bullies are doing this is because of their own judgment and comparison and competition. And it’s coming within themselves. Really take note of the whole story and what’s happening. Give them compassion and empathy. It’s their point of view, and it’s their truth, and it’s their fears that are coming up. Allow them to experience that. Let them go on their way.

Eventually, when they’re not getting anything out of it, they will stop. And also take note, if they continue to do it because they are getting something,  out of it, that’s the quality of their life. That’s as good as it gets. How can we find empathy and compassion? Hurt people, hurt people. And we are truly seeing a lot of this right now.

There’s so much pain happening online. I can’t even imagine what our children are going through. I’m so glad I’m not raising little kids or teenagers right now. I can’t even imagine what they’re going through. We were able to make mistakes and have things not be seen. But that’s not possible, and they’re even doing that to the adults now.

So it’s so empowering when you can just stand in your truth, when you can be honest, when you can be transparent, when you can own up to your past and just like, “Yeah, that’s what I did. That’s all I knew. That was my survival. That’s who I was. I mean, I wouldn’t do it today, but I did it then. I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I even put myself through it. But I did the best I could. And right now I’m doing the best I can.”

And just let them have their way and put the blinders on and keep walking forward and keep being yourself and rise above it. Be the example for others. Be the courage. Be the daring courage that continues to stand in her truth no matter what.

And then when you quit negotiating, you will elevate. You will, I promise you. Get present, understand it through compassion, through empathy. Because that understanding compared to having to get defensive and having to put on the boxing gloves and having to fight it out, it’s going to take you so much further.

 Like, “Yes, I could understand why they’re doing that. Because if I was in their mentality, I probably would do it too. I completely understand because I was there, I get it. I have empathy. I was hurting, I was hopeless, I didn’t think that there was a way for me to elevate so I was trying to pull people down also.”

Understanding that, and then pivot in the navigating. Pivot, change, find a new way to look at things so that you can create new neural pathways and then your neurology can acclimate to that new way of being. Which is safety in your body to become the new version of yourself.

That’s the process, get present, unpack it or unveil it so that you can understand it, and then change the direction of the habits and behavior instead of shutting down. Instead of negotiating, pause. Get really, really clear, and then move forward. Move forward in love. What would love do?

What would love do? Because for each of you who elevate, we elevate humanity. And that’s what it’s about is when each individual can stand in their own wholeness, then we can be in deep, rich, meaningful relationships with others.

But when we try to penalize or hold someone back, we’re actually holding back humanity elevating. It’s not just in one of us, it’s an all of us, and how we behave affects our world. It affects all of us. How we show up, how we move through the world, it affects everyone.

So I just ask you to pause and to notice where you’re negotiating, just stop. Is this leading to my elevation, leading to what I desire? Or is this keeping me comfortable and then I’m negotiating what I don’t want in order to feel safe? In order for things to be familiar. That’s what I have for you this week.

We’ve been talking about this on Clubhouse and in the More Than Mindset Facebook group. You are welcome to join us there. We have a group in Clubhouse that is called More Than Mindset that you can look up or you can find me personally, the integrative life coaches are part of the More Than Mindset Clubhouse. And you can also find us in the More Than Mindset Facebook group, so I invite you to come along.

But if you really want to do this work, I ask you to look into Self Healing Masters, the link is below. Because this is where we help each individual step into their own wholeness, because it is all about individuality. Guys, we really don’t want to be like everyone else. But we’re begging for permission to be ourselves and in Self Healing Masters that is exactly what we do.

The entire community and container holds up that higher version of yourself that you want to experience, that you want to become. And we safely huddle around you and remind you that you are safe, and that you are powerful, and that you are worthy and deserving, as we all are. Not for any other reason than because you are you showed up in this human body, in this lifetime, in this world as the identity, personality, persona, soul essence. That’s it, it’s beautiful. It’s perfect. Come as you are. Come as you are. That’s it. Bye-bye.

Thanks for listening to this episode of More Than Mindset.