Ep #50: Wounds Vs. Scars

Welcome to More Than Mindset, the only podcast that bridges the gap between spirituality and success. Go beyond the mind with Clarity and Confidence Coach, Kim Guillory, and learn how to integrate your passion to serve with your skills and experience to create a business you love. Let’s get started.

Hey, Hey, welcome back to the show. So excited. Guess why? That new baby I told you about is on her way. Like right now. They’re five centimeters. So as soon as I finish recording this, I am jumping in my car and I’m heading to the hospital and hopefully I will meet her in a few hours. So fun. Right? Little girls. We love them all, but there’s just something about little girls. I don’t know what it is, but maybe it’s the bows, right? I don’t know. I think boys are so rambunctious and so rough and I don’t know, girls just, they pull at my heart.

Not that I have favorites. You guys know that’s the 11th, so this is our fifth little girl. So we have six more, am I getting that right? Let’s see. One, two, three. Yeah. Think so. Hope so. Well, I’m not even sure if my kids would even listen to this anyway, so if I got it wrong, there shouldn’t be any offense.

All right, so that is my good news for today. And on a second note, the house is coming along. We have a shower; the shower doors are ordered and we have a closet built. So it’s been a few months, but it looks like it’s starting to form into something, into a room, into something that we can use.

All right. Let’s talk about scars and wounds. My brain has been super active on this topic. I have to tell you have a lot of clients right now we’re in that transition from healing the wound as it becomes a scar. So even for myself, like right now I am in belief training. I am training my brain to believe something new, something it’s never done before, something it has no idea how to do. It’s a brand-new experience and so it’s bringing up all of the things, including scars and wounds.

So yes, I have them too. It’s just part of our healing journey. You guys do know we’re here on a healing journey, right? We’re here to heal physically, emotionally. These are the things that are scarred in our system and have been. It’s just part of humanity. We pick up little wounds along the way in childhood. I don’t know. I don’t want to elaborate here on knowing a specific, but I can tell you this like even as a toddler being disappointed by being bit by a puppy dog, or being bit by another kid for that matter. Or waking up and feeling alone and not sure like, “Mom’s not in the house”, or, “I’m stuck in my room here.”

Like all of these old things, this stuff comes up in regression work and in so retrieval and in hypnotherapy and in emotional processing and integration. All of the work that we do behind the scenes to process these old crises and traumas that are in the body that were left unresolved.

That’s really why this topic is so important today, talking about the scarring and the wounding. I don’t think anyone’s really speaking about the difference and how it actually affects our relationships, our health, our business and finances. It’s a big reason why we people please and we fix and we’re codependent and all of this wounding, this scarring is the shadow side of us. It’s part of the shame that we hide behind.

The shadow is like the darkness. It’s the things that there’s no light shining on, so we like to keep them hidden. We like to keep the doors closed and locked so that nobody sees where we are vulnerable or may feel weak. So super important in for you guys who are here for business.

So let’s talk first about the wound and the difference between the two and what you can do today. So that’s what this is going to be about. So a wound is you can imagine like you just have a gash in your leg and it’s open and vulnerable. And if it gets slightly touched, it’s super sensitive and it hurts and it hurts deep. Right? Think about a burn, like even a little burn on your finger, or like a paper cut, right? It’s so sensitive and every time you get in there to touch it it’s like it triggers that pain again.

I remember one of the kids had something on their elbow and every time they’d pass by the door it would like hit the elbow and he would just like go down and grab his arm and¨ go down crying. It was so sensitive when he hit that area. And that’s like with emotional wounds also. We’re so sensitive. We’re triggered. We react, the wound will bring up like fear, scarcity. I’m not going to have enough, I won’t be able to find my way back to safety. Worry. Worry about being rejected and abandoned.

And what that wound does is it stays super sensitive and then you don’t know if you’re reacting or responding to what’s actually happening or to the story. It’s like it gets intertwined with… In other words, you could be having an argument with your husband, but the argument brings up the emotions of maybe a past relationship that didn’t turn out so well, or maybe it was abandonment or rejection from something in the family, or something with your parents, or something with someone else.

And so it feels super painful and you want to react and you want to knock his head off, or you want to do something really damaging to him because the pain is so intense and really, he just made a comment about your hair. Or he just said something like, “Well, if you don’t want to go, I’m going to go ahead and go.” And it’s set you off like a cannon, set you off.

That’s a pretty good indication that it’s an old wound that you’re reacting to, because your rational mind is like, “I don’t know why this pisses me off so much.” You ever thought about that, like with the mother-in-law, or with just somebody that you’ve had words with off and on, or I would say a rival or someone that you are in competition with.

Like no matter what they do, they just irk the piss out of you. It’s like, “I don’t know why she makes me so mad. She makes my skin crawl, I lose it around her.” Like that kind of thing. And so it’s like you tried to figure it out with your mind and it doesn’t make sense. “Why do I hate her so much? Why does she annoy me so much?” Slightly being triggered by a wound.

You can tell it’s super sensitive and it doesn’t make sense that you should be affected so deeply. Right? So emotionally deep. So that’s a wound. It’s still fresh, raw, vulnerable, painful. And anything that gets around it, or touches it, or threatens it, set it off. Makes it like fireworks, big party. And it doesn’t make sense. It’s like you can’t logically figure it out. It’s hard to tell the story, what the story even is, because it’s got so much confusion and conflict in it. And you’re so mad you can’t think straight. And so you start bringing in all of these scenarios and this past events and you can pretty much say right there, that’s the indication that it’s a wound.

So let’s talk about a scar. So the scar is, it’s already happened and it doesn’t trigger you anymore. You’re not reacting to it. You might recognize it, see it. You might get a little discouraged, right? But you can describe it and it’s outside of you. So it’s as if you would be like describing a movie you saw on TV. It doesn’t knock you to your knees. It doesn’t shoot off the fireworks. It doesn’t get you like, “I want to kill them. I don’t know what it is.” That kind of thing. It’s just like I can talk about a lot of old incidents that happened and I can just tell the story. You guys know that, I talk about all kinds of stuff on here. And for my clients in particular, they hear a lot of the stories and believe me I do not run out of them. There’s so many. I think I’m just a bit rambunctious and so I put myself in a lot of positions and I have a lot of experiences.

So I can talk about something that maybe happened my freshman year and I can be looking at the person that it happened with and I have no foul, or yucky feelings towards her or him about it. I’m like, “Oh yeah, you remember that? We just did that.” It’s like no big deal.” It’s not like it brings up palpitations in my chest, or tension and pressure in my throat, or pressure in my head. It doesn’t physically trigger anything in my body. It’s just a story I’m telling. It’s like I’m talking about a romance novel I just read, or I’m talking about a Lifetime movie. It’s just something that happened. I’m not reactive. I’m describing it and it doesn’t really matter. Right? It’s just the thing that was.

It would be like someone talking about, “Yeah, my first marriage. I married… I don’t know what we were thinking. We were in the service and we got married and we’re divorced six months later and it was no big deal.” Compared to, “We were married for 25 years and he cheated on me with the neighbor, and it…” Right? And that gets really deep and that would be a wound that has yet to heal. The scar would be, “We were married for 25 years and he did…” And it’s like, “Yep. Just what it was. I moved on, he moved on, we were better off, the kids.”, Whatever. You have a resolution to the story. That’s when you know it has turned into a scar.

So why does it matter? Well, let me tell you why. Because your actions come from your feelings. And so if you are being triggered, if that wound is being reactivated, then you will be reactive. And you can totally ruin relationships, your business, your health, because that emotion keeps stirring up and keep trying to come out for a better resolution and you don’t know what to do with it, so you keep swallowing it and you keep trying to make it go away and ignoring it. But it is still there because feelings buried alive never die. Got it? So it is important because every action you take comes from a feeling.

“I don’t feel like going to exercise, I don’t feel like talking to you right now. I don’t feel like eating.” Right? Think about how often you say that. You decide what you want to do by how you feel. Now it’s your thoughts that create your feelings, so you can totally turn them around. But you have to be aware that that’s where they’re coming from. You have to have an understanding, you have to be conscious of it.

So if you don’t know the difference between the two and you don’t know why it matters, it will affect everything in your life. How you do anything is how you do everything. So you will be going off on your kids, you will be going off on your partner, likely people that you work with, or your clients, or your customers, people at the grocery store, people in traffic, you will notice that you’re just pissed all the time.

And so what I notice is, “He’s annoying me. She’s annoying me. That person did that. They did this, the computer guy did this, the floor people did…” I will notice that everyone is suddenly on my nerves. Once I get to about the third one, I’m telling this story almost in my head like, “Yeah, and as if that wasn’t enough, then I had a flat and then I had, whatever. And then the window was broken and then the wind started blowing and it took my trash cans across the yard.” You’ll just start adding to the story and adding to the story and then you’re like, “Okay, what’s really going on here?” Because there is no way that everyone has a red bull’s eye on me and they’re all targeting me, right?

So notice when you’re super defensive and when you start keeping score and you have a list of all of the things. Pretty good indication that there’s something brewing inside of you. It’s looking for better resolution. So it’s looking for you to have the opportunity to feel it so that you can heal it. Giving you all of the secrets today.

Now let’s talk about why it’s worth the effort to heal your wounds. Number one, so you don’t pass them on, or pass them off. In other words, you don’t start throwing them out at people. You don’t start taking your emotions out at the lady at Walmart, or the AT&T person on the other end of the phone, right? You don’t pass them to someone else. You don’t try to make someone else’s day miserable. You don’t try to pawn them off.

So you do your own work, you clean it up, add a little medicine so that it can heal. Be willing to feel it so you don’t react to it. You always want to be coming from a place of responding, not reacting. Reacting is triggered, responding is the action that you take from a neutral thought, feeling, emotion. It’s just the thing that you do, right? It’s not driven by ooky force, or it’s not like you’re trying to vomit your emotions all over someone else to try to get rid of them.

Number two so that you don’t fix other people. Because the second thing that we do with our wounds is we feel them in our body and then we notice things going on in our environment, and we will feel that and we feel sorry for them, or we feel hurt for them. And what we’re doing is we’re projecting, we’re reflecting our pain onto the world and then we’re seeing it and then we’re trying to go and fix it so that we can feel better. I see this all the time when someone dies, it’s insane.

Guys, the next time you’re at the funeral home, sit on the second pew and just watch how often the visitor is needing to be fixed by the grieving. They don’t know what to do with those awkward emotions. They don’t know what to do with their sadness. They don’t have coping skills and so they’re basically telling the grieving all of the things about how they feel and how bad it is. And the grieving are trying to fix the visitors. I dare you just go and listen to this.

Or you’ll notice this even just being around any humans, the civilians do this all the time. When something happens to someone, the person who is consoling them will feel so bad for you. You can’t feel for someone else. You can’t feel bad for them. You can feel bad, because it feels uncomfortable in your body. You’re feeling, your feelings. It’s the same thing with love. Like, “I feel so much love for you.” But really you’re feeling your own love. Think about it with a baby and with a puppy. How are they conscious of giving you love back? They’re not. It’s you feeling your own love.

So it’s you feeling your own hate, your own rage, your own pain, your own sadness, your own grief. But the wounded will walk around the world trying to save the world. Like, “I am heading to New Orleans to feed the homeless cause it breaks my heart that anyone is going hungry.” But it’s really about them going without. It’s about them being neglected. It’s about them going hungry in the past. That is a wound. When you’re trying to fix it today, it’s not a scar. It’s a wound. It’s open, it’s pulsating. You can feel it. It’s activated.

So reason number one, you don’t want to pass it on or off. Anyone. Reason number two, you don’t want to fix other people. And reason number three, you don’t want to bypass this. If you bypass it, it’s going to come up later. So if it’s coming up for better resolution, 90 seconds, hang in there, feel the discomfort, breathe through it, allow it to melt away. You can tell yourself something like, “I am safe. This is just the feeling sensation in my body brought on by a chemical which started with a thought that released this in my body and now I feel it. This is how my body speaks to me. This is conversation. This is my body letting me know that something is happening. Something is going on, something is healing, something is being activated.” Those are just phrases you can use to talk to yourself, to settle yourself down while you were waiting for it to melt away.

Now it’s nothing more than that. You just need to be aware. The problem is our brain is so crazy. It builds this defense, triggers our nervous system and then we can’t see our own stuff, and we get locked in the story by that emotional signature. We get locked in that old pattern and it just starts flipping and spinning and looping and we’re stuck, we’re stuck, We’re stuck. That’s why coaching is so beautiful, because we get to show each other what our thoughts are, because we can’t see our own stuff.

So you don’t want to bypass because feelings buried alive never die. And if you bypass it, if you ignore it, if you, “Oh, nope, it’s not there. I don’t feel that at all. I didn’t even feel sad. I don’t care if he died. I don’t care if he left. Yeah, good, great. I’m good. I’m tough. I don’t need anybody. I will never depend on anyone ever.” If you’re coming with that attitude guys, you are bypassing. Guarantee you.

I am a pro at it. I did it most of my life. We do all kinds of things whenever we’re bypassing. We eat, we drink, we do drugs, we go overspend, we overwork, all of the things. So that’s why it’s important not to bypass. Those feelings buried alive never die until you process them. Then when you process them, they melt, they release and then it’s over.

We got gobs of those little beanbags as I think it’s Eckhart Tolle that talks about the pain body. We have gobs of that inside of our body. But once you know how to process it then you’re just like, “Oh, here’s just another one of those little pain bodies. Here’s another one of those little sacks of emotion that needs to be popped and released. I can stay here. I can do this. I’m getting good at this.”

And you’re just constantly raising your vibration, lifting your thoughts up, up, up, up. “I can do this. I am safe. This is a sensation. It’ll pass in 90 seconds. I’m good, I’m good.” And then make sure you exhale and then you’ll feel better. Scars are smooth. Of course, they may be rough. I’m may say they’re all smooth, but they’re smoother to the feel. They may be a little rough, they might be a little wonky.

Maybe the formation healed a little crazy, but they don’t bite. So scars are smooth in the way that you touch it, or you get close to it. It doesn’t bark, bite, grab, retaliate. A wound will for sure jump, grab, bite, bark. It’s going to react. It’s going to respond. That’s what I call being activated.

So the difference between scarring and wounding is in your control. You can do something about this. It’s part of self-care. It’s healing the physical and emotional body. It’s feeling the old pain that wasn’t resolved so that it can finally come to an end, so that it can finally be released so that it can finally quit being activated.

All right, that is what I have for you this week. So I will let you know how much our new little doll weighed and how beautiful she is and all of that good stuff next week. But your work for this week, go see if you can distinguish the difference between your scars and your wounds. You will know by the results. You will know are the actions that you take. You will know by the bite.

All right, let me give you a little update on what I have going on in the business right now. So I’ve got a mastermind starting, which is all about mindset, emotional healing, spiritual embodiment. And by that I mean soul work and then how to integrate all of those into your amazing business as a healer. So all of these episodes where I talk about codependency and people pleasing and scars and wounds and all of this stuff affects your business.

Because if you are trying to fix people, if you are trying to save people, if you are putting your pain out in the world because it hasn’t been healed and you’re trying to heal in someone else, that is not going to create the successful business that you want. That is actually you trying to fix yourself. And it’s coming more from an amateur place where you’re having to overgive, overdo, test the waters. You’re always convincing and trying to get people to let you do work on them. That’s one of the telltale signs.

And the next level of that is soulpreneur, S-O-U-L and it’s when you are exchanging services for other than money. In order for you to have confidence in order for you to feel good about what you do, in order for you to earn graces, in order for you to go to heaven. And if you notice that you’re convincing people in order for you to offer service, then you can be sure you’re one of those first two.

And that’s what this training is all about is how to get you from amateur to entrepreneur and how to learn sells with ease and how to put yourself in positioning for a successful business. How to have this unique authority position where you bring your skill set to the table, your experiences, your individuality. And you create this beautiful, unique positioning from that.

Promise you, the people who you are here for will find you when you show up as you. The best way to grow your business is to grow yourself. And that is what I offer in this mastermind. It’s not just business, it’s not just professional, it’s also personal. So reach out to Kim at kimguillory.com, contact me, find me on Facebook. You can come into the group. We did change the Integrative Life Facebook group. It’s now called More Than Mindset, but I think if you type in Integrative Life, it’s still going to take you there. Just know that More Than Mindset is the new name.

So you are welcome to come and join us there. I hope you all have an amazing week, and if you’re loving this, please share it with your friends. Write a review. Give us five stars. Give us some feedback. Share it, share the love so that we can reach more people. All right, I love you all.

Thanks for listening to this episode of More Than Mindset. If you’re feeling stuck on your journey to health, wealth and relationships head over to www.portal.kimgillory.com to learn more about the portal. It’s a membership community where we take this work deeper, apply the concepts and coach around the tough stuff.