We both find this subject so fascinating, and we’ve come across so many people who struggle in their relationships to see how amazing they could be because they’re stuck opening their own old wounds every time their partner asks for what they want. But it is possible to heal from this place, and we’re showing you how.
Tune in this week to discover how understanding your Human Design type as well as your partner’s will transform your relationship. Monique and I are discussing the stories we’ve told ourselves that only served to damage our relationships, and how our marriages have changed since we did this work of seeing ourselves and our partners for who we are.
Welcome to More Than Mindset, the only podcast that bridges the gap between spirituality and success. Go beyond the mind with clarity and confidence Coach Kim Guillory and learn how to integrate your passion to serve with your skills and experience to create a business you love. Let’s get started.
Kim: Hey guys, welcome back to the show. Guess what? Monique and I hung out a little bit longer after we cut the recording off from last week and decided the conversation we were having around relationships was so juicy and so fun and still about self-healing that we chose to hit record and to continue the conversation. So you could just call this Kim and Monique, part two.
We’re talking about natural health, and sleep, and our mindset. And really understanding according to our design what’s happening in our relationships. And it’s so fascinating wouldn’t you say, Monique? I’m looking at her nodding her head. It’s so fascinating how we thought they were assholes, they didn’t care, what were some of the things we said?
Oh, let’s just set some precedence for this conversation. So, Monique and I were talking about our partners, our marriages, and how much those relationships have changed since we know more about ourselves. Since we have done the self-healing work and we’re no longer trying to fix those old wounds. And since we really understand our partner’s design. Monique, I’m going to let you start.
Monique: Yeah, so we were just kind of chatting about the perception and what was the word? Narcissist and toxic and all of these things. And I remember thinking, “My husband’s an asshole. He’s so mean. He wants things a certain way. He’s so demanding. He’s a dictator. He tells you exactly how to hold the nail and the hammer and how hard to swing.” And so all of this stuff, for me triggered my insecurity. Triggered my lack of self-worth. Triggered my, I don’t know, fill in the blank with whatever the story is.
And it wasn’t actually what he was saying, but it was what my mind heard. And it was activating wounds inside of me from old stories, from self-doubt, from past relationships. And that shit shows up in your bedroom. It shows up in your sheets. It shows up in your bank account. It shows up in your kitchen. It shows up fucking everywhere. And I was over thinking that he didn’t like me, or that I was wrong, or that something was wrong with us. I couldn’t wrap my head around it.
And then I realized it was me. And it was like, “Oh, I’m taking all of this personally. I’m making it about me. I wonder if that’s actually what he’s saying.” And what started this whole thing we, cracked up, is whenever he said, “That’s in your head, I didn’t say that.” And my mind was like, “No, I’m certain that’s what you said.” My nervous system didn’t know.
Kim: Well, we also have this, “Well, that’s what you meant.”
Kim: And that’s because there’s so much dishonesty. This people pleasing, and the being nice, and not wanting to hurt someone’s feelings. I was like, “You’re just fucking lying to me.” You can call it whatever you want, being saintly, or Christian, or kind, or whatever, but you’re fucking lying to me. I don’t see dishonesty as friendship. I don’t see faking it so someone doesn’t feel bad as being honest and kind. I don’t.
When we were first starting this conversation I was talking about the relationship with my husband and where we live. And I was like, “I would travel across the world to go and sit in the green grass with trees and watch the birds and have a sip of coffee.” And yet it’s right here in my backyard with my husband. In the morning that’s when he gets up, that’s what he does. He feeds the birds, he watches them. He drinks his coffee. He takes such great care of the yard and the house.
And I mean, there’s just so much here when I look for it. Like he’s arrived. He’s wise and he knows so many things and he’s so patient. But in the past– Like he’s arrived, he’s wise and he knows so many things. And I used to think– Now listen, I know this story sounds like I’m bragging and he’s perfect and all of that stuff. It’s the furthest thing from what I’m trying to say.
I just want to show you the difference on what I used to think. He’s selfish. He’s an asshole. He’s inconsiderate. He doesn’t think about me or put me first. It’s like it’s always about him, him, him. And then I went into this whole learning about narcissism and he’s a narcissist. And it’s like he’s got all these intimacy problems, and he doesn’t want to sit around and Kumbaya in the conversation. And all that stuff. I used to say that to him, to me, to my friends, to anyone.
And then I recognized he’s a 1/3 sacral authority, non-emotional. And he gets triggered as crap from my emotional stuff that’s always up and down, my emotional wave. And he doesn’t know what to do with it because it’s not his. And he’s protecting himself. He’s got to get away from it, he’s got to go do his thing. He doesn’t know how to handle that. And I was like, “He’s so immature. He’s like a four-year-old.” It’s so crazy.
Monique: I’m laughing because you’re literally saying mirror to my story. It’s that he doesn’t listen, he doesn’t hear me, he doesn’t help me when I need. He wants me to do this. And he’s so selfish. He tells you exactly how to do it. And it was it was almost like I felt like I was being punished, or controlled, or told what to do. And for me, that’s hard. I don’t like to be told what to do. So it triggered all of that ickiness.
And, yeah, same thing now. I’m like, “He is solid. He is gold. He is brilliant. He is beautiful. He protects me, he watches out for me.” The things that I see in this man that I could not fucking see a year ago or five years ago are mind blowing. And my girlfriends have listened to me bitch about him for years. Some of them have been in cranial sessions with me and experienced my release around this stuff and starting to see, “Oh my God, he’s not that bad. Oh my God, what was I picturing in my mind?” Like he was this horrible, angry, mad person. And it’s so interesting, that’s not him at all.
But also, the emotional side, I am Solar Plexus emotional. I feel all the shit from everybody. And I will throw it back so fast when I am not in alignment, when I am not balanced. And that’s what I was doing. And he is splenic, there’s no emotional side from that, it’s just mirrored right back at me. And so I kept getting hit with my own shit that I was throwing at him. And I couldn’t wrap my head around why it was happening.
Kim: The five though, that’s the projection. That is your design, you’re either being projected or you’re projecting, like always. And you will see shit in other people and then you’ll try to project it back. And that’s just your design, that’s just how it is for you.
But whenever you were painting the picture of him being an asshole. And so then your friends are recognizing him as an asshole. It is so influential what we say about other people.
Kim: And you know what? Like when we talked about the Four Agreements, being very careful with your words, very true with your words, and not making assumptions and not making it personnel. You just broke all of those rules, so did I. That’s the problem, always doing your best. Is that doing our best, putting labels and trying to dissect them and understand them?
And it’s like it goes from one thing to the other, like we were talking about responsibility. Because they are, they are protectors, they’re providers, they’re pleasers. That was a big game changer for me. For those of you who haven’t heard the podcast, What His Brain Wants, What Her Brain Wants, y’all go back and listen to those because that’s really where I had this big shift in awareness.
So one thing is when we’re always trying to label them, and put them down, and try to figure them out and we’re saying that, projecting that, reflecting that with other people. Then they kind of hold that. We influence, we contaminate their perception of that person. And that’s why gossip is so painful.
Then it’s kind of awkward when everything’s good and they’re like, “Oh, well, when did y’all start getting along?” And then you’ll have an off day, and they will go right back to that other thing. And we don’t realize that we have the power to influence people according to the words that we use about them.
The second one was keep being a 1/3. He is about experiencing, like he investigates and experiences and he gets it perfect. Like he becomes the expert, so he is the expert. But I was like, “I can’t do it right. I can’t do it the way you want me to do it. And it’s always wrong. And it’s always I’m too slow, or I’m too fast, or I’m too late.” And it was just like playing into that story had become this very contaminated game.
Monique: One of the things that I really began to work on was just adult conversation. Truly being impeccable with my word, just like you said. And just saying like, “Okay, wait a minute. My mind just heard…” And I’d kind of reflect back what I was experiencing in my body. And when he would say, “I didn’t say that” then I could receive it.
But I couldn’t receive it before until I did my own work around it. Until I started investigating, again, why is this triggering me? Why does this hurt me? What am I hearing inside of my nervous system that’s just pumping out adrenaline wanting me to go cut everybody up? I was full of rage. Underneath that rage was grief, and trauma, and story that I didn’t know.
So, in the last podcast we talked about unraveling all that disbelief and trying to learn to self-heal. And this is what came to because of that. Understanding myself and how I’m made and the way I do things. And not creating shame and guilt about the way I function. And giving them the freedom and flexibility to be who they are. To show up in my life and be that version of themselves and let them have that space. Because that’s what they are there to do. Nothing is wrong here. We attach the meaning or the belief to it and create the story.
Kim: Yeah, I used to fight for, “I just want you to accept me for who I am. Why can’t you just accept me and quit trying to change me? Quit trying to make… I’m not that.” I mean, I was just like struggling for this not being loved. But it was the exact thing I was doing him. I wanted him to be different. I wanted him to be playful, and fun, and silly. Well, he’s got the like gate of responsibility, he is going to investigate.
And then he’s a martyr. So when I would come at him, and I would have these stories and we’re trying to relate, and we’ve had lots of open conversations about this. And then he would take everything I would say and he would turn it as if I were attacking him. And then he would feel the emotional upheaval, the stuff that was going on inside of me, and he would react and respond to it. It was a mess. And we would just look at each other so frustrated. And until I understood human design, I really didn’t understand it.
And then whenever I looked at gene keys, and our SQ and EQ, which are total exact opposite of each other, which means– Like the exact numbers, all the way. And so it was this constant mirror. And we were stuck in it, like at the circus, looking at these crazy ass mirrors that we didn’t understand. And it was like, “But I love you and I want this to work. And I want us to be together for the family.” But we couldn’t see eye to eye. And it was because we couldn’t see each other for who we were or who we are.
And me being a 6/2, being a visionary, I kind of like look at the whole landscape. And he is all detailed and in this perfection of getting it right and doing it the way it’s supposed to be done. You can imagine what a mess it was. You have been around us, the way we socialize is completely different. But he wanted me to be a certain way, I wanted him to be a certain way. We couldn’t see each other for what we were, but we knew we loved each other. And so it’s been so helpful just understand so that we can relate differently.
Monique: And so kind of the same thing on my end, is I reflect back. Because I am solar plexus, nothing is true in the now. So it’s like I have to look back over time and see what actually occurred. He has always let me be me. He has always given me space to run and be wild and let my extreme flow through. And he has never tried to stop me. He has never said, “Clean this. Do this.” Like to me specifically. He has voiced what he wants. But he has never asked me to be different.
And when I really saw that so clear I was like, “Oh, fuck. This man is gold. I have been a shit show and he has just let me run.” And he’s just like, “Let her be.” It’s like the trust was always there for him. He knew that I would come out of it. I think he knew I was a project, but he was willing to let me be in my project. You know?
Kim: That’s what I was about to tell you. If someone asked me to describe him, I would say he’s like Joseph of the Bible. He’s so solid and he’s so responsible. And he’s just there and he doesn’t give Mary– Oh my God, listen to me coming up with a Bible thing. I was like, “What’s her name again?”
Monique: Mary. Come on now, we know Bible.
Kim: But it’s like just that solidity, that grounded masculine. But I was a mess. I mean, I had all of this wounding, and this trauma, and this rejection, and neglect, and being abandoned. And like these stories, “I don’t belong anywhere and no one accepts me for who I am. I’m such an oddball.” Well, that’s just a 6/2. Any of you who are 6/2s just show up in my private message box because I can totally relate to you, we feel like we don’t belong.
And we were talking the other morning and he says, “There’s no way I’m going to stop you. I mean I can voice my opinion and you can take it however you want to take it. But you’re going to do what you want to do, you always have.” And I was like, “Oh, I have.” I didn’t see it. I thought I was still fighting for my freedom. I couldn’t see it. Just like what you’re saying, I couldn’t see it.
I mean, I’ll have friends that are like, “Are you kidding me? You travel more than any other married woman I know. You’ve done things, I couldn’t even do half of what you did in a lifetime. And you couldn’t see that?” I was like, “No, I really couldn’t see it.” I was just like fighting for the freedom, fighting to be accepted. And it was all from myself. Would I just accept myself? Would I just be okay with who I am?
Monique: For me it was the conditioning of what a marriage looked like. And what a wife’s duty was, and a husband’s duty was, and how you show up, and how you perform, and what you do, and all the things. And so it wasn’t like beat into my skull to be that way. But it’s just what was acceptable or expected or encouraged, from the southern lifestyle. From society, from things like that.
And our perception of those things is individual, obviously. But in my mind it was like a good wife does X, a good wife does Y, a good wife does Z. And if you don’t do these things, then you’re not. So sharing a bank account is necessary. Changing your last name is a given, right? I didn’t do any of that shit. We made our own rules. We have always just been us and been flexible with these things.
And so there was a part of my internal being that was like, “You’re not doing it right, Monique. This isn’t real. Just fake it till you make it, just have fun.” It was almost like it wasn’t a real marriage because the ideas of what a real marriage were, were not the life that we lived. But now I’m like, “This marriage is perfect for us.” Because it is in total alignment with who we are. And we give ourselves that freedom, and that flexibility, and that space to do what is right for us. And we don’t take it personal when the other doesn’t want the same thing.
Kim: Right. And he does have an idea of what marriage looks like. And it’s not the same idea. So mine was not necessarily conditioned to believe it was supposed to be a certain way, it actually was what he wanted it to be. But what I didn’t see, so he did prefer me in the kitchen. And he did prefer me home. And he did prefer me not leaving.
And whenever I was like, “I’m done with entrepreneurship” I got my book, started studying to be an airline attendee, I applied for a job with Delta. I was going, I was hitting the road. I just wanted to put down my purse and serve people, get paid, and travel. And he was like, “You can but you won’t be my wife.” I was like, “You’re trying to control me.” All that stuff kept coming up.
So he did have an idea of how he wanted to be. But exactly what you just said, I remember, I don’t know, it was probably about 10 years ago. No, it’s probably longer than that because I’ve been married for like 30 something years. And I was like, “Oh my God, this is an ideal, it’s not even, it’s I-D-E-A-L of what I think it’s supposed to look like or supposed to be. So I can’t actually appreciate or except what it is and all the greatness about it. Because I’m trying to–
It’s that 250-pound stone with the chains trying to carry that vision. We talked about this earlier, I was saying that I just released this. It was everything. It’s like on manifest, there’s callings. Like they’re trying to solve that puzzle. It’s everything and I couldn’t get it. But I couldn’t see what I had. Like they can’t see the family in front of them, they can only go fight for the thing, fight for the thing.
Monique: And, you know, we’ve heard that. Look right in front of you. What’s right in front of you? The grass is greener on the other side. We always have these little things. And it’s like, because you don’t actually live in that grass. Right? Like take a moment and really investigate. What do I want? And is it available for me? And can I make this work? And can we make our own rules? Can we shift and bend in the ways that make sense for us? We don’t have to mirror the people across the street. Screw that. That would be so boring. Can you imagine?
Kim: Yeah, and I’m thinking how ludicrous it is to even doubt their commitment to the relationship. Like you packed up and moved 24 hours away, like went and lived in a camper for a few years until you found the perfect place. And all of the proof of the support, I’m on your team. I’m on your side, I’m here with you. We’re doing this together. And for me, he doesn’t want to leave, he’s not comfortable with that. This is where he is comfortable and where he is rooted and where the kids are.
But I’ve been flying by myself for, I don’t know, probably 10 years now and going and doing. Even when I was a cosmetologist going to hair shows back in ‘97. And going back to school, and back to school, and back to training. The thing is, I thought I had to have the excuse that it was work or it was money related in order for me to go. Because I didn’t want him to be disappointed just because I was like, “I am dying here. And I can’t just be here. I can’t, I feel like I’m going to die of boredom.”
And I have moments where I appreciate it. And I remember when I decided. I was like, “I’m just going to see my home as my vacation rental. This is just where we come hang out. And then I’m gonna go travel and that’s going to be where I live.” I remember trying to rationalize it in my mind. And it’s really, when you just come to the self-acceptance of this is who I am and this is what I need. I hope you’ll stick around. And if not, that’s okay.
I get that he’s uncomfortable because he’s responsible. And here I am, I’m leaving for I don’t know how long. I don’t know where I’m going. I don’t know where I’ll end up. I don’t have reservations. And I come back three weeks later.
I can see where that would make someone uncomfortable because as a mother, I know how I feel about my boys being gone long or the girls going and doing things, even if they’re all together, but it’s like, “Oh, I don’t know if that’s safe. Do you have all of that…”?
Monique: And I’m the opposite. My husband doesn’t call, doesn’t text, doesn’t ask questions. Just like, “Yeah, do you.” And then part of me was like, “He doesn’t even care.” So it started bringing up that whack shit. And I was like, “Wait a minute, he’s letting me fly. He’s letting me soar. How’s that not caring?” The body is just so whack in the way that it puts this stuff together.
Kim: Yeah, because this is how it played out for us. Because I will go hang out with my friend at the beach for a week or whatever. And her and her husband on the phone all the time, like several times a day. And she’s like, “You haven’t talked to Keith, like at all since we’ve been gone? You haven’t called, you haven’t texted?” And so there was that.
But here’s what I found out, because I was like, “You’re ignoring me, that’s emotional manipulation. You’re trying to control me because you don’t want me to go, so you won’t talk to me. And so it’s your fault I’m having a bad time, because I’m worried about you being upset so I can’t really enjoy it.” All that was playing out in my head.
And then when I had the conversation with him, what actually was happening is it was so uncomfortable for him not knowing if I was safe, not knowing if I was protected, that he would block it out in order to be able to handle it. And so when he explained that we were able to kind of dialogue about it instead of trying to figure it out for myself. I was like, “Oh my God, he loves me so much he chooses not to because he can’t.” And I saw it complete opposite.
But once he said it, I was able to see that I do that with my kids and grandkids. I check out not to be hurt. Like if I’m worried about them I have to just like completely disconnect because the emotions are so strong it’s uncomfortable and hard to handle. I don’t want to think about it. Not because I don’t love them, but because it’s painful to be in the worry.
Monique: Yeah, so it’s a bypass or a buffer. We can’t experience it because it’s so uncomfortable, so I just remove myself from the situation.
Monique: And so yeah, it’s really interesting the way that the body does all this stuff for us. And we think it’s wrong. We push it away. We don’t want to feel these things. We don’t like it.
Kim: Yeah, really just giving permission to life as an experience, changed pretty much everything. And recognizing that everything else was societal rules, generational patterning, religious dogma. Like it was just belief systems that we truly lived by. We thought it was true, we thought it was real.
And so a lot of that is really just for society, like we had to be homogenized to be handled. And if you’re a rule follower, then it’s really hard not to follow that system, right? It’s really hard not to do that. Like not being the wife who stays home, or care takes the kids, or stays in the kitchen. Because the brain is like, “That is unsafe, and they’re going to leave you and this is all going to fall apart.” That’s the story, and then the system responds to that. And then we think it’s them.
Monique: Well and then flip it on the other side. I’m not the rule follower. I am the person that pushes the rules because I don’t understand them. I need to investigate. That’s my 5/1, right? I need to know things. It has to make sense for it to be a rule for me. So if I push the other side and then it’s like, “Well, then that must mean they don’t care. I don’t matter.” And so it’s like I’m playing both sides of the field in that again.
But, you know, Kim, I’ve had a lot of therapy, I’ve had a lot of counseling over the years. My first relationship I started when I was 16 years old. And it was pretty rough, it was abusive. And I went through a lot of trauma and just trying to heal who I was and what had occurred. And I went in and out with different people. And one of the things that they told me to do was, you make me feel X, Y, Z. They wanted me to talk to my partner that way.
And what I understood in doing that is I was blaming them for everything that I was encountering inside of my body that they were not possibly responsible for. It was my thoughts about what they were doing that made me feel an emotional response. But I was projecting that on to every person I dated, every relationship I had been in.
Now, my husband and I now have been together for, I don’t know, maybe like 17 years. So there wasn’t a whole lot of single time in there. But it’s like I understand now, other people can’t make me feel anything. And I’ve used that as an excuse for so long to justify my behavior and what I was doing behind the scenes, or pushing back, or fighting. And it was like, that’s just nasty, icky nonsense and I’m not interested anymore. I’m taking total responsibility for my shit. And I say, “I feel funky. I don’t like X, Y, Z. I need you to get dinner tonight. I can’t do anything but take a bath and go to bed.” Like I am so honest with the way I am now there’s no room for funkiness to sneak in.
Kim: I’m curious if that’s because you feel safe in the relationship to be yourself. Because that’s what happened with me too.
Kim: Once I accepted myself, then I was able to do that. But in the past, I was such a people pleaser. And this is really reflecting the difference between the 5/1 and the 6/2, is you’re saying, “Like I was the rebel.” I was like, “No, I need to investigate in order to understand or I’m not doing it.” I’m the 6/2, I see the potential in understanding, flexibility, and everything. So I’m like, “Oh, of course there must be a reason.” So I try to figure it out. So it’s more like I see potential in everything in everyone. And so I’m like, “Oh, there’s a reason that they’re doing that. Oh, there’s a reason.” It’s like I’m always almost kind of like excusing everything in order to like–
There’s something, no one does something for nothing. There’s always a reason why we do it. And so I find like I’m really understanding and flexible. And sometimes no, they’re just being an asshole. And they really are just like gossiping or troubling or whatever. It’s like I tend to go the opposite direction, I don’t want to create the conflict. I don’t want to be in that fight or whatever.
But you know what’s funny? My actual life’s work is conflict. It’s 6.6, like the six, six, it’s everything. But this is what I learned about it. So before I was like rejecting my design. I don’t want to be the person who always creates conflict to get to diplomacy and then get to peace.
I was actually rejecting myself because I was like, “I don’t want to be the one who’s always pushing people to the edge or like doing that push pull.” And then I realized that there’s a way to do it with love. Which is just being transparent and having uncomfortable conversation that’s not accusational, that’s not finger pointing, that’s not actually conflict in the way that we see conflict.
And I was able to like really slow down and even in conversations that I’ll have with you or with other coaches, like Kayla and I, the podcast we did a couple of weeks ago, I said something about the teacher and being the authority of the room. Because that’s what I told my kids, “If you’re in that store, and they’re the authority…” And she was like “No, no ones–” And I was like, “Oh my God, thank you.”
I didn’t even realize that I was saying that. I was so conditioned to not make any trouble. I’m so conditioned to not step on any toes, even though it’s the essence of who I am. I don’t mean to do it. So if I can see it and understand it I would love to explore that. But there’s not many people who will come up, honestly, and do it in that way. Does that make sense? They all call it like arguing or fighting with you. And I’m like, “I call it dialoguing.”
Monique: It’s true. It is that, this is what I need. This is what I want. This is how I feel. This is what I think. And it’s being able to have that exchange of dialogue in a way that is not personal. I’m not saying you make me feel X, Y, Z. I’m saying I feel X, Y, Z. And I’m sharing that with you so that you know why I am crazy right now or coming out of my body.
And it has been so simple. I mean, there are days that I just walk up and I’m like, “I just need you to put your arms around me. I just need a hug.” And I can say that. I was embarrassed to say that before, like I was supposed to be strong or Wonder Woman or not fall apart. I wouldn’t cry. I wouldn’t say, “I need sex” or “I want this.” I wasn’t able to do that. And it’s like, why not? What do I think is going to happen? Is he going to throw me to the wolves and toss me because I want something from him?
Kim: Yeah, that’s what it felt like. I had two experiences like that, that really taught me this. And one was I just put my head down on his chest and said, “I’m so sad that we can’t figure this out.”
Monique: Yes, yes.
Kim: It was the most vulnerable, compassionate thing. Like it was so real, I was just like, “I’m so disappointed that we can’t figure this out. I don’t know why.” Now that I understand human design, I swear to you that’s what made the difference. But I just couldn’t understand it. How can we be two decent, responsible human beings who love our family, and want this to work– Like I was so disappointed, so I just wept and didn’t need anything from him. And, I mean, that exchange just made this huge turnaround.
And the other was, I was feeling anxiety, I didn’t know why, everything just felt off. And I remember putting my chest against his and feeling his heart. And I was like, I said, “I just need to be grounded. Can I just ground in you for a moment?” And it was like an anchor. And that again, opened.
And I never realized, or I don’t think I had realized until then what an anchor that grounded masculine energy was. And it’s like it dropped me all the way down into my feet, just that moment. And he said, “I was always here, you’re the one who keeps going away.”
I was mind blown. I was like, “He’s right.” Our wounding, our traumas, our stories, we were the ones who kept ejecting and didn’t understand. And they just kept doing them, and doing them, and doing them.
Monique: You just can’t see it when your nervous system is activated. You can’t see it when you’re in that survival and you’re fighting for your life, and your place, and your authority. And so it’s really just lovely to be able to go I can be me, sloppy, messy, dirty, nasty, snot coming out of my nose and he just kind of looks at me like I’m crazy. But he lets me experience it. He doesn’t say, “What’s wrong?” He doesn’t try to stop me. I’m just like, “I can just sit here and wail and snot and cry and feel all this shit. And I don’t have to be made to be embarrassed.” How interesting the shit that I did to my own self.
Kim: Same, same.
Monique: Because he has not changed that part of him. I have just accepted it’s okay for me to be like this and feel the emotions.
Kim: It’s like we marry thinking there are some shortcomings, but once we’re married they’re going to change. So funny. But thank God he’s who he is. And he didn’t change and who knew who he was. And he was comfortable with who he was. Because that very act allowed me because we are just reflections and projections for each other to have these experiences.
And I wonder how many marriages end because they can’t get out of that story, those old beliefs, the childhood traumas, the emotional turmoil that’s happening in the body. What a beautiful thing to witness it now and to be able to experience it. And I’m not saying divorce is ever wrong, I’m not. I’m for she who wants to stay and she who wants to leave. Because sometimes it’s not a fit. What I didn’t understand is that it felt like a fit and then it wasn’t a fit. And then it felt like a fit, but then it wasn’t a fit. That’s what I didn’t understand.
But I didn’t recognize that it was my unstableness. It was my insecurities. It was my lack of belonging. It was my lack of acceptance. Until I saw his design, my design completely different. But yet we both have really great qualities if we don’t want, or have to, or expect each other to be the same. You don’t need to be like me, I don’t need to be like you. The only way it’s going to work is if I can be me and you can be you. And that we can have our designed relationship. How that looks to us. Not how it looks to our neighbor. Not how it looks to our family members. Not how it looks to our friends. But the relationship designed for us, by us. And not giving a fuck what anybody else says about it. The church that won’t let me go to Communion, not giving a fuck about that. Deciding who gets Jesus, who’s good enough for Jesus.
Don’t even get me started on that. That was a big part of it. I mean, I was told by the priest that I was choosing hell by staying in the relationship. And I was like, “I don’t see how it’s okay to have five children without their parents. It’s like you questioning, like I just I just didn’t understand.
Kim: All right, well we are at the end. So is there anything you want to add? Because I’m swearing, I’m keeping these things shorter.
Monique: No. No, I think this was perfect. And again, it’s just like investigate yourself and look at what is inside of me that hurts when I hear these things, or I see these things, or I experience these things. And give yourself permission because mine was just a lot of childhood shame, a lot of confusion, a lot of unfelt perception. And then layered with choices that I made that society believes are bad or whatever. They have an opinion about.
And so I took all of that story and then I was letting it run my marriage and saying what I could or couldn’t do and what I wasn’t or wasn’t allowed to have or be around or experience. And that’s just not right. That’s not real. It’s just a thought, it’s a perception. It was their programming from the outside world and the way that my mind articulated the words and gave it meaning.
And I’m just, I’m ready to live my life and live our life. And just like you said, having that separate life, and then having our stuff, and then seeing these powerhouse channels that we have together and how we aligned so awesome in some spaces. And using that, for momentum, for experience or excitement.
Kim: As a 5/1 and a 6/2, like we are the example, the role models, the leaders of doing it differently. That was like the part of us that was like not believing it could be better. Because that’s not how someone else did it. Turns out we both did it completely different from society. And have, what’s our signature? Satisfaction.
Kim: It’s like if you have satisfaction in life, you’ve arrived. Even though it’s just for the moment.
Monique: Well, and giving ourselves permission to be satisfied.
Kim: Yeah, that was big. Unapologetically satisfied. All right my friend, thanks for hanging out for a little bit longer and getting another one in. That’s it guys. Until next week, from Louisiana and Colorado.
Thanks for listening to this episode of More Than Mindset.