Ep #214: Stop Seeking Approval: How to Build Unshakeable Self-Confidence with Internal Validation

 

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Full Episode Transcript:

Ep #214: How to Build Unshakeable Self-Confidence with Internal Validation

Welcome to More Than Mindset, the only podcast that bridges the gap between spirituality and success. Go beyond the mind with clarity and confidence coach, Kim Guillory, and learn how to integrate your passion to serve with your skills and experience to create a business you love. Let’s get started.

Hey, my friends and welcome back. I want to start the show this week just acknowledging you. I appreciate you for coming here week after week. We’re over 200 weeks in. I appreciate your time, your energy. I appreciate you sharing. I am grateful that you have given a rating and review, five-star review, that you are sharing on social media and letting others know about the show.

I just wanted to say. I appreciate you. I’m humbled by the repeat listeners and especially those who are sharing with others. That really means a lot to me, and I don’t know if I’ve ever stopped to say thank you. I appreciate you and I appreciate having something that I can continue to respond to. So, you’re important and special to me.

So, let’s get into today’s show. I am talking about validation. So, I’m going to start off with, first of all, what is validation? It’s the action of checking or proving the validity or accuracy of something. The action of making or declaring something legal or officially acceptable. Recognition or affirmation that a person or their feelings or opinions are valid or worthwhile.

Wow. It’s the act of or process of making something officially or legally acceptable or approved. And this is what we look for in other people every single day. We’re always looking for external validation. And what I want to offer you this week is internal validation. Because there is a little issue or a little sinkhole to always expecting that you’re going to get it from someone else or something else.

And I remember this for myself. I remember asking my husband, “do you believe I’m going to make a million dollars?” That was the thing. First, I claimed it. I was like, “I’m going to make a million dollars. Like this business is killing it. We’re doing so well. Do you believe me?” And he said, “I believe that you believe you.”

Now, first, it was a spear in my heart, right? Because I wanted to go into the wah-wah-wah. He doesn’t believe in me. He doesn’t validate me. He doesn’t take my business serious. He doesn’t support me. He thinks this is just a little play gig.

Like, all of that story was playing in my head because I was expecting him to validate me and my belief. Which is unfair, wouldn’t you say? Like, especially when it comes to family and friends. We expect them to support us, to understand us, to want what we want, and to cheer us on. And I’m not so sure that’s in our favor.

Because when he told me that, I had a mind-blowing moment, and I realized that I could do it because I believed I could do it. And all I needed was for him to validate my own belief because I knew belief was the start of it. And if he could see that I believed it, could I see that I believed it? That was my work. It was my responsibility. And I was able to let him off the hook and not need his validation, not need him to tell me anything.

I just needed the freedom and the responsibility to do it for myself. Now, of course, support is great. A handshake. A prize, right? My name on the wall, something, anything. Because we were taught that as children. As early on as we can remember, if we tee-tee’d in the potty, we got a sticker or we got a candy. So, we’re geared toward getting that validation.

We’ve been taught you’ll get the gold star; you’ll get the check on the board; you’ll get the Christian award. People will know how good you did because the brain loves having that hit. And so, it is a tactic to help people become more successful. But is it really helpful for adults? Is it really helpful or is it a setup?

If you don’t get it, if you can’t control someone else, if you can’t make them believe in you, if you can’t make them interested, then what happens? If you don’t have the internal validation, what happens? Because we can’t control other people. We can’t control society. We can’t control the reward. And life is not fair.

We already know that it’s rigged for the pretty, skinny, rich, popular people. Anybody who denies that must be skinny, rich, or popular. That’s my take on it. This world is rigged. I remember seventh grade mean girls, “you can’t sit at my table. If you don’t wear those jeans, those shoes, if you don’t have…” You know what I’m talking about?

If you don’t have the cool stuff, then you ain’t part of the cool kid club. Right? You get where I’m going. So, the world is rigged for pretty, popular, rich people. That’s just how it is. So, what happens to us little folk who are not skinny, rich, pretty, popular? What happens to us? If we can’t get that external validation from the world, from the reward system, from other people, then do we just quit? Do we consider ourselves unworthy? Throw in the towel? What happens?

This reminds me of my spiritual journey. I have always been a spiritual seeker. I’ve always had a connection with God, Spirit, Holy Spirit. However—the source beyond. The power of all. Since I was a kid, I’ve always been tuned into that. And I remember mid—I would say mid adult.

Earlier, probably earlier adult. Forty. I remember I was feeling a little daring, and I had gotten all of the validation from the spiritual—oh, what do you call that? Rest? Oh gosh, what’s the word? Consolation. Consolation is the word I was reading one of my favorite books—I don’t know if you guys know this—was Imitation of Christ. And so, I was addicted to consolation.

So, in the law of attraction, you would be addicted to seeing the thing that you want to manifest or getting the thing you wanted to manifest. And so, you would get validation from getting the thing. Then you’d be like, “oh yeah, I’m really good at this. See, I got the thing.” And I felt that way in spirituality.

So, I would pray, I would believe, and then I would get that consolation. I would get that feeling of support. I would get that feeling of safety from my spiritual practice. And I remember one day saying that I wanted to have faith that was so strong that nothing could ever affect it or knock it down. And I no longer needed physical consolation.

I didn’t need to get any validation. I didn’t need like to get the gifts, to get the—whatever the way that I was interpreting it. Are you guys following me? So, I would pray and then I would see whatever it was that I would make this deal with God. And then I was like, “oh, thank God. Thank God. I’m good. I’m good. I’m getting it right.”

So, I had that validation. And I was like, I want to have faith that’s unbreakable. That’s not dependent on this bargain. Y’all, I felt like I was going to die. Like it felt so lonely, so isolating, so depressing. And man, it was hard. I was scared because I was no longer getting that, and my faith did grow.

I got that faith that I don’t actually need to see things. And that’s why I love doing Belief Bootcamp. I love working on beliefs and breaking through limiting beliefs because of that experience and what it taught me. And no one and nothing could take that belief. So, I know a lot of you ask me, where do you get your courage?

Where do you like the resiliency to stay in? How can you keep doing this? Like even when it doesn’t work, you keep going, you’re relentless. I’ve had some of my team and my coaches tell me that. Just like—it’s inspiring, but it’s almost not human-like. And I think that’s where it comes from. I was so depressed, so sad, so broken and lonely as a kid that I seeked God in the strongest kind of way and I received.

I got it. And I didn’t—I don’t know why I wanted to be a superhero, and I didn’t want to depend on that anymore. It was a crazy idea, and it turned out to be the thing that strengthened me the most. So, it’s taken me to the show today. So, it’s great when your teacher tells you, you did an amazing job, or when your coach celebrates you, or when the school system gives you the score, puts you in the newspaper, you get the gold ring, all of that stuff.

But how does it affect you if you don’t get it? And this is the question I always ask? Does it take me closer or further from what I want? Is this going to take me closer? Getting that validation from everyone else, is that going to take me closer to my goal? Because if I don’t get it, is that also going to take me closer to my goal?

Because you’ve got to recognize both signs, sides of the coin. The contrast, the high, the low, the dark, the light. Where you have one, you have the other; it is impossible not to have the other side, not to have the other 50 percent. So, if you are depending on the validation, externally, if you’re depending on the validation to believe that you are worthy, or that whatever you’re doing is worthy, then what happens when you don’t get it?

Does that continue to take you closer? See what I mean? It has to be both. So, in yoga, we talk about not receiving the flowers and not receiving the stones. So, they can love me, or they can hate me, but it doesn’t affect me. Because I am still me. I am still worthy. I am still confident. I am still whole, whether I receive flowers or not.

And you can use this for Valentine’s Day. Whether you received the candy or the flowers or the spa gift certificate or the whatever you wanted from your loved one. Can you still be in your worth and value even when someone outside of you is not confirming, is not validating, is not acknowledging? Because that is where true confidence comes from.

It’s inside of you. It’s just a bonus to get it on the outside. If I depended on external validation, I would likely not be here. I would for sure not be in business. I wouldn’t. There’s no way I would’ve made it this far because I so often don’t get it. We have projects that fail. We have courses that don’t make it out the gate.

We have challenges that don’t fill up. We have programs that don’t meet the goals. And so, that means every time that would happen, I would be, “I’m just a piece of shit. I’m not worth anything. Nobody wants this. I’m nothing. I have nothing. Nothing to offer.”

Do you see what I’m saying? Can you make the connection?

But when the validation comes from within me and I’ve got my eye on the prize, I know where I’m going to, and I have some little stepping stones along the way where I could pause and rest in that number or that level of belief? So, let’s say that I’m growing across the football field and I want to get to the other side.

And so, I have the stopping points along the way. And so, when it gets a little hard, when I’m like really starting to strain and it’s like I’m not sure if I’m going to make it, I’m not sure I’m going to make it… if I can stop and pause in that level or that state of being? Receive, refuel, reduce, bring my confidence back up.

Hooo-ahhh. Build myself back up in that moment. In that moment. And then go to the next. But if I am depending on the people in the stand to cheer me on, pat me on the back, bring me some flowers, tell me how amazing I am, and there’s no one in the stands? I’m basically in this race by myself alone? Which we all are, by the way.

Your mission is your mission! Even though it affects other people, even though it’s for other people, it’s still yours. It’s not going to be as important to anyone else unless it’s aligned with theirs. Like whenever I talk to my team and we were talking about the million-dollar Grammy, and we’re talking about breaking generational cycles and renewing the patterns for the future of our children, they’re aligned with me.

They want that for their themselves and their kids also. That’s why it works for us. So, as a team, we have to have an aligned mission. Otherwise, you, I, us, them, we’re still in it alone. Because at any moment, one of the team members can lose that desire. So, does that mean I’m going to throw the towel in? Does that mean I’m going to quit because one of them did?

Because someone didn’t pat me on the back? Because someone didn’t buy my program? Because someone didn’t put me on their stage or however you consider, whatever you consider successes. So, I’m just saying that it’s great if you can get it, but if you’re attached to it, and you make too much meaning of it, then what’s going to happen when you don’t have it?

Because we know this from high school, right? There’s a new kid at school. Either everybody loves them, or everybody hates ’em. It’s typically how it goes. But let’s say it’s the person that they’re so cool and everybody loves them, and then that fire, that fizz, dies down and they are still like, they’re dependent on “everyone has to like me. Everyone has to like me. Everyone has to like me.”

And everyone doesn’t give them attention anymore because they’re not new anymore. They’re not the shiny item anymore. Then what’s going to happen to them? Can you—I really want to drive this home because I see it so often in business and in relationships, even in your health goals.

So, let’s say you lose thirty pounds, and you don’t get the validation from your loved one. Your partner doesn’t tell you how amazing you look. Your kids aren’t excited about it. Your friends give you crap about it. Instead of being happy for you, you’re just going to put the weight back on. So, did you do it for them or did you do it for yourself?

And if you’re in business, and people are buying your product, and they’re liking your page, and they’re commenting on what you’re posting, and you’re like, “oh, I am somebody. I got validation. Woo, this is so good.” And then they stop posting or they stop, they stop sharing, or they stop seeing your post and they move on to the next shiny object. Then what’s going to happen?

Are you going to quit? Or are you going to not believe in yourself anymore? So powerful. So, it’s like always having to have your partner, like every single day, “oh, you’re so amazing. I love you so much. You’re so great.” And you depend on that, and it gives you all of your worthiness. What is going to happen when you don’t get it?

What are you going to get from yourself guys? You’ve got to get this inside and then that’s just going to be bonus. You’re naturally going to get it on the outside because you own it on the inside. And we’re always a mirror and a reflection. What we believe, we attract more of. But when we don’t believe it inside of ourselves, but we’re expecting it from the outside, it doesn’t have a match, so it doesn’t stick. And so, as soon as you quit getting all of the validation, you go back into disbelief. It is so important to know this.

So, this week I want to offer you to dig into what do you make it mean when someone likes, or buys from you, or gives you flowers, or tells you something? What are you making that mean?

And are you fully, solely depending on that in order to believe that you are worthy? Or can you just be worthy on the inside and then you’ll attract that naturally? Because we always—Let me try to see, I’m going to tell a story little short story about this one. So, let’s say you are worthy.

You are worthy of being treated well, of maybe being given gifts, being loved on, and whatever the thing is that makes you tick, okay? We’re all different. Let’s say you believe you were worthy of that, and you get into a relationship, and they start treating you like crap. That ain’t going to last. Because you’re internally worthy, you won’t put up with it.

You won’t tolerate it. So, you won’t be attached to it. You’ll be like, “Uh-uh. Bye-bye. Later, bro.”

Right now, if you don’t have it inside of you, and they are the person who gave it to you, and they give you the flowers, and the love, and they buy your stuff and all—everything’s amazing. This is how I was in my nail, tanning, yoga business.

I was fine as long as people had appointments with me, and they told me how amazing I was, and they kept coming week after week. I had so much external validation, and then when they weren’t there or they would cancel, my limiting beliefs and my unworthiness was come up in my mind. And I would tell stories about why they canceled their appointment, why they went to someone else, and I would go into a sinkhole.

I would just like errt [brake sound]. Because I was dependent on the external validation. And so, take it back to the relationship, if I didn’t have it within myself, I meet this new partner and they boost me up and I don’t have this validation, then they start treating me like, I won’t be able to get out of that relationship and I won’t be able to live in it in a healthy way because I don’t have the internal validation.

So, that’s three examples I gave you. One is you being healthy on the inside and not tolerating. You’ll have very clearly defined boundaries, and you will feel worthy whether people are coming and loving on you are not. The second one was that you have to keep doing, and giving, and overdoing, and over giving, and undercharging in order for that person to keep coming so that you can feel important.

And the third example is you don’t have the worthiness within yourself. You don’t have the confidence within yourself. Somebody comes in, swoons you up, gives you all the loving to make you feel important, and then when they start treating you like crap, you can’t get out of it because you are so addicted to it. And you don’t know how to live without it, and then you could end up living a life of tolerating that.

I’d love to hear from you.

Come into the More Than Mindset Facebook group. Let me know if this relates, if it makes sense, if you depend on external validation or if you have it on the inside. Will you be distraught if someone doesn’t give you attention, if someone doesn’t buy from you, if someone doesn’t focus on you, if someone doesn’t tell you’re amazing and beautiful? Will you still believe that you’re amazing and beautiful?

And if you want to take a deeper dive into this work, I want to invite you to the Belief Bootcamp because it’s all about the internal validation. Do you want to believe more? Do you want to feel more, or worthy, or confident? Do you want to have that inner knowing about yourself so you don’t keep getting in these positions?

The people pleasing, the codependency, the over giving, the under, under-loving yourself, always depending on something else to tell you that you’re worthy. It’s a very hard way to live. I know. I know. I still get caught in it sometimes. So, Belief Bootcamp, we have two options. One is online, and the second is in person.

So, if you can’t make it in person in Austin, then I want to invite you to do it online with us. It’s going to be one day where we’re just going to hammer down on all of this stuff. And if you’re in business and you want to work on your beliefs, or if you want more money and you want to work on your beliefs, there’s going to be a VIP option where you can upgrade.

And that one, that second day, is going to be all about money beliefs, whether you’re in business or not. And it’s do you want to make more money? Do you want to earn more money? Do you want to be more money worthy? So, anyway, that one is online. It’s coming up soon. The second one is in April. That’s the Belief in Business Bootcamp.

That one’s three days long. So, three days of working through your money beliefs, working through your business, structuring your business. Your business model, like everything that you need to speak in confidence as a business owner, go out and serve the world in a way that feels good to you, so that you can receive satisfaction, and joy, and success because it feels good to you. Not to them, to you!

Anyway, that’s what I got for you this week. Have an amazing one. And take the test! Notice… are you depending on it? Are you broken if you don’t get it? Do you go into a slump if someone’s not patting you on the back, liking your stuff, buying your stuff? Or is it on the inside and no matter what anyone does, or anyone buys, or how anyone thinks, you can still hold it together and you keep moving forward.

That’s the final question. Take the test. Check it out for yourself. Find out where you fall into this equation and what your next step is. What do you want to work on? All right, have a good one.

Thanks for listening to this episode of More Than Mindset.