Ep #18: Letting Things Fall Apart

Lately, on the podcast, we have been talking about the process of becoming more in tune with our emotions and integrating those into our practice and this can all feel very tumultuous. We have to dismantle a lot of the habits and little things about ourselves and understand them individually, which can trigger very strong defensive reactions.

On today’s episode, I want to discuss the work of deconstructing your mindset, being less judgmental of ideas, and finding ways to put yourself together the way you want to be. Despite how difficult it can be, it is so vital that we are intentional with taking steps towards who we want to become.

I hope you’ll join me to learn about how we can start to build our mindsets into integrated and peaceful things that honor ourselves and the goals we have in our lives.

What You’ll Learn from this Episode:

  • The importance of dismantling your mindset to understand yourself.
  • Why communication between the spiritual and human dimensions of ourselves often gets blocked.
  • Strategies for becoming less judgmental in your thinking.
  • How to allow changes to happen and how to feel the emotions that come with change.
  • Tools for taking responsibility for attitude changes.
  • How to find ways to have grace and support for yourself in your spiritual and emotional journey.

Listen to the Full Episode:

Featured on the Show:

Full Episode Transcript:

Welcome to Integrative Life Coach Training for Health and Wellness Practitioners, the only podcast that can help YOU help more people, create a greater impact, and make more money in the health and wellness industry. Join Clarity and Confidence Coach, Kim Guillory, as she teaches you how to integrate your passion to serve with your skills and experience to create a business you love. Let’s get started…

Hi my beautiful friends. How are you? I am still in a happy, silly, joyful mood. Can’t hardly contain this amazing energy. I feel so light and free and liberated and excited. There’s just something about like, getting to the other side. I’m telling you, you start learning about – like in the last episode about the shadow dancing and playing the edge and just allowing things to come in and out and process and stay present and it’s so stinking good.

What I wish is for every human to feel the way I feel. Another reason I’m excited is I’m about to start packing. By the time you get this, I will be in the vortexes of Sedona so I’m heading to – little road trip. Let’s see. If you don’t know this about me yet, just know that I am not great at geography, so it’s north, south, east, west. I’m going west.

So I’m Louisiana. I’m all the way on this end and I am traveling across all the way to the edge of California. I heard that Mount Shasta was the root chakra of the world so guess who wants to go and check that place out? I’ll be at Lake Tahoe for a retreat. I will be with Gregg Braden and Joe Dispenza in Sedona. What? And Bruce Lipton.

Guys, these are my people. They are like, amazing teachers to me. I’m so grateful that they have spent all of these years doing this mind-body connection and integration and mindfulness and I’m so thankful that I was able to find these guys on my path. The same with Louise Hay. So many other brilliant teachers. Brené Brown, Pema Chodron.

I remember her book, When Things Fall Apart was one of the very first books for me when I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia, I was lucky enough to come across a rheumatologist who told me that it was self-inflicted, that I could turn it around, do something about it. That was the first taste of understanding that what we believe, how we behave, what we think is physically represented in our life, in our body. What? What? What? So grateful.

It’s what led me to health coaching, life coaching, yoga, fitness, healthy eating, getting over codependency, people-pleasing, scarcity, all of that. Stress, anxiety. I was in that hell and I wish it on no one. But it’s what taught me. It was my classroom. It was the learning center. It was the crap that we turned into compost and grew in from manure to mindfulness and magic.

When I first started coming to this wholeness and this amazing joy and peace and transformation, all this stuff started rhyming and started – the letters started matching and we kind of call me like the yogi poet. So when I’m doing yoga it’s like, bring your hands to the thighs or maybe to the sky, just be your own expression, and then the words just kind of run into each other. It just gives us something to laugh about.

But I just speak whatever comes through, so just know sometimes I’m a little surprised by it too. This is all off the cuff. I look at a topic and I get into presence, I ground myself, I get really conscious, and I ask for guidance and whatever comes is the gift for you. Same thing with the book, The Punch-line Process. Everything I’m teaching you here through the podcast, what I do in my coach training.

So what I want to talk about today, other than sharing my excitement to travel across – I can’t wait to share that with you – is you know, what we’ve been talking about is really coming to the awareness of noticing the sensations, the emotions, the unprocessed, unhealed traumas that are not integrated and that that is the thing that’s causing all of this defense and safety within you, and that is why the nervous system goes into fight or flight and that’s why we shut down and that’s why transformation and change is so hard.

And for health and wellness practitioners, most of you, this is your own story, right? But if you were in college for eight to 12 years and you spent all of that time just white-knuckling it and studying all night and cramming for tests and working these 12 and 24-hour shifts, what you learn to do is turn off your emotions so that you can continue going, so that you could succeed.

And so it’s not any different for you than it is for the person who is a healer, who just went through a lot of life experiences and then came out on the other side and wants to help other people. So I don’t see it really different because both ways, the emotional processing integration and embodiment is lacking.

So it could be someone who’s – I call you guys A-liners. It’s like type A personality but it’s also that when we talk about the A line, it’s the action line. What do we do according to how we’re feeling? So A-liners always want to solve problems by taking action. They are the bridge between mind and medicine and that is why they’re attracted to me because I have the missing link, which is that emotional processing and integration of how to take your experiences with your skills, with your passion to serve and help and integrate those with these coaching tools and emotional processing.

It’s the magic that I bring to the world. It’s the bridge that I offer between the knowing, feeling, experiencing. We think in 3D life experimenting where we are activated with all of our human senses and then we can look as far as fifth dimension connection inner essence and really coming from this space of Christ consciousness and witness consciousness and where humanity marries spirituality.

In between those two is the fourth dimension, which that is the bridge. That’s what we’re integrating here is how do we dance between those dimensions. How do we dance between humanity and soul? For me personally, it’s I’ve come into this and what’s been my struggle for a lifetime is how do I relate to the human world because I came from this spiritual world. Not spiritual as in religion world, but as a kid who just found myself very alone and not nourished and nurtured and I didn’t feel love and belonging and I just had that lack of presence from the absence of parenting.

And that – I had a lot of alone time, which drew me to prayer, drew me to god, drew me to holy spirits. So it was very natural, but then as I got older and I was – it was almost like, unrelatable. And I’m speaking this in this way because I know there’s a lot of you out there because you guys have been coming to me.

So I know who I’m speaking with is finding that how do I take this soul-passioned inspiration, this love and this yummy essence of just wanting to be connected and wanting to belong and wanting to serve and wanting to be with people, how do we take that into the business world like marketing and business and advertising. It’s yuck for us.

So I have someone who does branding and marketing and I tell her this all the time. I was like, we need someone to come in dressed to play the part for the marketing because we work from the inside and what the world wants to see, what they think they’re looking for is on the outside. We couldn’t give a crap about that.

We’re worried about helping you to connect and to integrate and to embody into your purpose, into your passion, and into what we think is the most important thing in the world, and that is the essence of soul, having a human experience, not a human trying to find a soul or spiritual experience. Either way, however you call it, I consider the integrative life and the work that we do here, this process is the bridge to marry the two worlds between the humanity and the soul passion or soul driven life. It’s beautiful.

But what happens is once you start doing the work and you’ve been in the A-liners, you’ve been mostly in the masculine mind in the world like mine and like kind of seeing what is required of you as a person as according to the social demands. How do I need to behave? What do I need to do? Should I be kind? Should I be polite? Should I make sure they get invited?

We ended up with a whole bunch of liars who are not honest because we got a whole bunch of people-pleasers who don’t know how to communicate, and I say this in the nicest way because I am you. We’re all human. So what happens when things fall apart, when you’re willing to let them fall apart, which is what Pema Chodron said in the book is I need to learn a lot about communication.

And when I first started stepping into this world that I’m speaking to you right now about, this bridge, I didn’t have the maturity and the wisdom, and so I was gathering all of this oh, I can take care of myself, I can see about myself, I can put me first and what I think matters and what I need to feel matters and taking care of myself. And then there was this religious selflessness and this Jesus crucifixion, this martyrism and this – that goes back to the people-pleasing.

And so there was that dance between the two and so I clearly see why it’s fear-based when we start stepping into this wholeness of not needing those systems anymore. So when things fall apart and we see it and we recognize it and we’re able to ground ourselves and come back to grace and realize that it’s actually not things falling apart. It’s more of a dismantling of the things that weren’t working.

It’s a shedding of the old as St. Paul speaks about dying to other – that selfishness, that’s where that comes from. It’s dying to the ego self and it’s that arrogance and they’re like, oh, I am so awakened and enlightened and there’s this judgment that comes. And I want to talk about it because I see it happen so often. This better than or I see something I didn’t see before, and this spiritual arrogance is actually defense. It’s judgment and comparison, and it’s super subtle.

It’s very, very sly and sneaky. And I hear it all the time like, they don’t get me, they’re so black and white and they’re so judgmental and they’re so – this is woo-woo, and I mean, I remember. I remember serving in that for a very long time and even recently, it still comes and peaks its little head in. And I just want to bring it to your awareness so that you recognize it because when I bring it up, people get super sensitive because then the defense comes up.

So what’s lacking is this communication. The communication with yourself, the communication that’s not happening with the other person because of the judgment and comparison. And so if you’re willing to look at any time you say he, she, or they, the problem is them, they, her, turn it around and ask yourself the question, what if you put the I in the place? I am so rigid, I am so black and white, I am so judgmental, I don’t understand, I don’t get them.

Cut a dial in and look at that work and see what comes up for you. I’d be curious for you to let me know. Let me know as you do the work because this is super common. The defense is kind of that edge between confidence and arrogance, and so I’m thinking of this quote by Zig Ziglar. If you are not willing to learn, no one can help you, but if you’re determined to learn, no one can stop you.

And it’s like, are you willing to receive this message of today? Are you willing to look and question arrogance and judgment and comparison and defense and are you willing to consider that the lack of communication could be coming from you? Just because it’s uncomfortable and there could be some sly, subtle arrogance that’s happening that you don’t recognize.

So I just want to bring that up. So what’s happening is when we dismount, when we empty, when we get rid of some of the systems that weren’t working and we start to let that fall away, drop away, things fall apart, there’s this void that can happen. It’s loss and grief of that part of you that’s no longer there. And even if you really didn’t want it to be there, it’s unfamiliar. It’s kind of sad, right?

So there’s acclimating that needs to happen so that this new unfamiliar feeling, if you could play that part of the dancing between the two again, like just noticing oh, this is uncomfortable, it feels a little empty, what do I do now? Like, I’m no longer people-pleasing, I’m no longer doing all of those things, I’m no longer doing what I don’t want to do, I’m standing up for myself, I’m no longer being a doormat and no one is around. Can you feel that? Fear is going to come up.

There’s some doubt, there’s some questioning. It’s like, that’s why I was doing it, that’s why I kept doing it, that’s why I never told him no, because then they’re mad at me and then there’s this emotional – it’s an emotional manipulation of you do what I want you to do or I’m not going to talk to you, but I want to recognize that it’s also within yourself. Because your thought and belief is if I don’t do for them, if I don’t people-please, then they won’t have anything to do for me so I want you to really – this whole entire episode I want to drive in can you take 100% responsibility for everything that you’re thinking and everything that you’re creating in your life?

Are you willing to take a close hard look at that? It’s not the government’s fault, it’s not the spouse’s fault, it’s not the partner’s fault, it’s not where you live, it’s not the environment, it’s not the economy, it’s not the health insurance crisis, or it’s not anyone’s fault that anything is happening. Just everything that’s happening within your world is happening within your mind, within you.

And when you start taking that responsibility, then you can see unfamiliar equals uncomfortable. Don’t know if I like this dance quite as much. So what’s happening is there’s this cognitive dissonance. Having this inconsistent thoughts, beliefs, and attitude relating to this new behavior, to these decisions. So it’s like in the behavioral and attitude change comes the space between the spaces that’s questionable.

And the neural pathway, like the old neural pathway is being dissolved but the new one is not quite set. So it’s like living between two perceptions, living between two worlds, living between not going back and not going forward. It’s pretty miserable. We call this the river of misery. Matter of fact, I’ll tell clients because sometimes this can last for a very long time. I’ve had it happen for months, for years, and I’ve had it just for days.

So the more you do the work and the more familiar you are, the less time it takes to get over it. But I’m like you’re basically in the raft right now and you’re in the river and like, all of the water is coming into the raft. And so let’s just get the buckets and let’s just take the water out as it comes in so that you don’t drown. Let’s stay present and let’s just scoop it out.

There’s another old story. There’s fear. There’s doubt. There’s that question. Oops, that’s unfamiliar, that’s uncomfortable, and just take the buckets of water and take it out of the raft. Take it out of the raft. You might be kind of working hard for a while, you might be sweating it out here, but I urge you, I support you, I encourage you to stay with it. I promise you, this happy, fun, light, joy, ease and flow that I am experiencing is the byproduct of that work. I really want to encourage you to stay with it.

The reason that most people don’t move forward into transformation and change is because of this right here, right now. The dismantling, the empty, the void, the loss, the grief, the unfamiliar, and the inability to dance. The inability to play between staying in that discomfort. It’s kind of like sitting in traffic or the red light just won’t turn green or that train is passing and you’re trying to get to work and you’re watching the time and the train just stops and you’re just stuck there. That’s what it feels like when you’re here.

And if you can stay with it and you can go in and fill it with something new, fill it with affirmations, fill it with meditation, with yoga, fitness, massage, fill it with these podcasts, read books, listen to the masters. Those who are doing the work before you, you’re part of a community if you’re listening to this podcast. You are welcome to our live, active community.

The Integrative Life on Facebook. Ask to come along. Ask for support. Tell others, hey, I’m in the raft. Got bucket loads in here. Could someone come and help me dump this? Could someone come hold the belief with me? Help me hold down the fort because it’s very uncomfortable and I really want to throw in the towel, it’s too painful. And it’s going to feel like that.

But it’s not painful in a way that the logical mind can understand and here’s why; when we’re talking spirituality, when we’re talking soul, essence, and soul evolvement, guys, grace is your best friend. Grace is everything. Use the mindset work to get you grounded and to bring you back to the awareness, back into that more masculine energy of what are my thoughts, how do I feel when I think that thought, and what do I do when I feel that feeling.

So what’s happening is like, I’m feeling abandoned or neglected or left out or empty, and it’s because you have the thought I don’t belong, I’m disconnected, I’m different, I’m not sure what to do now. That thought is creating that. What if you thought the thought this is the process, it’s totally worth it and I can trust?

Take a breath into that. Remember to big exhale because that releases the fear, that releases the drama, the discomfort, the doubt, and you might have to stay in that process for an hour. Who knows? Maybe you just have to take two breaths. Doesn’t matter. Take all of the judgment and comparison out of how long it’s taken you or how soon you think you should be unloading all of the water or getting out of the raft of moving forward.

Take all of that judgment and comparison out and come back to presence. Presence, that is where grace is. Grace lives in presence. If you go back, you go into regret, you go into resentment, you go into what if. And if you go forward, then you go into what now and the fear and the not being sure and you borrow trouble and anxiety and stress. So either of those are not the best place to be. Come back to the middle, get present, go inside, fill yourself with new.

Go back to the beginning of the podcast. Listen to some of the teachers that I mentioned earlier. Find a friend who’s actually more in this high-minded community who wants to learn and to evolve and to personally grow and develop. One of the things I would like to mention here that really helped me is finding yourself a great craniosacral therapist and working with psychosomatics.

So that is the physical condition caused or aggravated by mental factors like stress and internal conflict. So what’s happening is the mental and emotional stuff that is coming up is physically showing up in your body, and by getting body work done, Thai yoga, craniosacral, massage therapy, these things are your friend.

They’re very gentle, they’re great for healing the nervous system. And if you don’t know a practitioner in your area, reach out to me and we will find you someone who does this integrative work. This is what we’re doing. I am training massage therapists, I am training body workers, yoga teachers, fitness trainers. I’m training those practitioners, health and wellness practitioners who are already doing this work so we can refer you to someone in your area or maybe even train someone in your area.

This is really in my experience, this is what made the difference is having someone do the work with me through the whole process. I can’t even imagine not having that I had a coach for mindset, I had someone helping me with the spiritual work, I had someone helping me with the physical processing.

I created my own team and those team members are actually part of my team now with this process because they saw the transformation, they saw the difference in my physical body, in my mental body, in my spiritual body. They saw it happen and I did not just do this for three months or six months, just so you know. This has been years in the process. Totally worth it.

So what’s happening is that internal conflict, that unknowing, the mental factors, the old conditions and behaviors, the generational patterning, what you were taught was right and wrong, even religious systems, healthcare systems. All of those things have told us stuff that have kept us stuck, and it’s not because they’re mean or cruel or evil. It’s truly a lack of understanding how mind-body works.

We’re just on the cutting edge of this stuff, so this really relax into the interaction and the integration and the embodiment of the mind-body connection because what’s happening, when the fear starts stepping in, when you start getting really tough on yourself and you start judging and comparison, it’s just your brain being a bully.

And the reason that your brain is being a bully is because it’s trying to protect you and keep you safe. It’s trying to keep you familiar; it’s trying to keep you in the arena of what you knew was happening and dismounting this emptiness, this void is like, I don’t know what the heck is next. I’m not sure. And that’s because your brain can’t imagine because it’s never experienced it yet.

It’s not a terrible thing. It just doesn’t know where you’re moving into yet. We’re still in the first three steps of this process. I’m going to take you there. Just hang tight. Keep coming back to presence, keep coming back to grace. Reach out, get support. Find a high-minded community. Create one yourself.

If you want help with that, I’ll tell you how to create it. What we’re doing here is we’re creating the model in this rural area for others to follow. This is global. It’s not just here in the US. I have clients and coaches located all over. But I want you to know something. The reason that we suffer – I believe there’s only two. It’s because we judge and compare how we think it should be, we don’t think it should be happening to us, it shouldn’t be this way, it shouldn’t have happened, it shouldn’t have been, it’s their fault, and then we compare it to someone else and their story and their journey.

And if you drop judgment and comparison and you chose to go easy, to be kind and gentle and loving to yourself, to hold space for yourself, imagine what you would do if there were a three-year-old child that you found lost in the store or at the park. Treat her like you would treat her. So what I mean by that is treat that part of yourself as if you were that little scared and abandoned one.

Be gentle, be kind, be loving. Give it to yourself. So instead of judging and comparing, look at loving and accepting because love and acceptance equals safety and safety is what the nervous system wants. When you are safe, the nervous system can calm down. Your brain can calm down. The defense can slow down. And bring in the light, bring in hope, bring in breath into that part of you that feels afraid, that feels lonely, different, abandoned, misunderstood.

Bring in light, bring in hope, bring in breath and reconnect that soul essence with god, with divine, with light, with people around you that understand you, that community of support. When I fill the void is I plug in and this year, plugging in with the masters. I made that decision like, I reached a point where in the coaching world, I was doing a lot of the mindset coaching, the more physical, practical, that part, and there was a lack of integration and what I’m speaking of right now – so I was looking to invest in a one-on-one private coach and one of my particular coaches, she said I think you should take the money and I think you should get in your car and I think you should experience.

She’s like, what would you want to do? And I was like, you know what, I want to go connect with nature and I want to be with the masters, the teachers, those high-minded leaders. And what I mean by high-minded, that word just came down to me one day and I was like, what exactly does that mean? And so I looked it up for you guys and it’s the notions of what good persons want to be.

Like, oh, I like that. It’s not cocky at all, right? And so I want to again welcome you to plug into our community, The Integrative Life on Facebook. We’ll put a link in the show notes, and I want you to think about going where you grow. And so if you’re stuck in a community, if you’re surrounded in an environment that does not align with the high-minded growing that you want to be in, that land is not fertilized for what you want to plant and you want to grow in, that we’ve got this beautiful, amazing, internet and virtual world where you can plug into so many people.

Gabrielle Bernstein has some fabulous books and communities out there. There’s lots. There’s so much for you to look into. The books that I’ve been mentioning, you can always take yourself back to The Four Agreements. I am like, solidly rooted and grounded in those. Alright, until next week guys. I will let you know how it’s going out in Sedona and California. Looking forward to it.

Thanks for listening to this episode of Integrative Life Coach Training for Health and Wellness Practitioners! If you’re feeling stuck on your journey to mind body integration, head over to KimGuillory.com to download your Stability First Meditation today.

 

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