Ep #226: The Messy Middle
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Hello, hello, alrighty. The last episode we talked about Wellness Week and the different paths to self-healing, and for this episode I’m talking about the messy middle, which is what happens on that path that we often don’t talk about. And there’s good reason for not talking about it, because you feel a little crazy. It is messy in the middle, and by the middle I mean you are no longer there where you were, but you haven’t gotten there where you’re going, and what took you here may not take you there.
So I think about when I wrote the punchline approach, and that book was basically how did I figure out how to want to live? how did I raise five kids? How did I stick it out? for at that point it was 20 something years, 10 years, being married, being in business and all of these things, and I was like I must, I must know something. And so I asked myself that question, like how did I figure this out? And that is where the laid-out path came from, which is its universal.
It could be used in any situation health, wealth, relationships, money, business. But what is more important is the part in the middle when you feel a bit torn or disjointed and where that I want to describe. It is indifferent and that’s like my mind’s a little confused because it wants certainty, wants things to be the same.
It keeps going back to what was and it’s like trying to figure out like where to go next, and my body is filling, torn, it’s filling a pool, like what was, what’s going to be, and it’s just kind of all tangled up in this mess. And that’s why I’m calling it messy in the middle. And it’s also middle age, because I am 50, I think I’m 54, was born in 68, do the math? 53, 54. I think I’m going to be 55 in September, and you know I love human design.
I’m a 6-2 Emotional Generator off the roof, which is messy by itself. So off the roof means that you’ve had these life experiences.
You’ve been through two phases. The first phase kind of feels like life happening to you. The second phase is figuring out what just happened, like coming up with solutions so that never happens again or so that you can help other people if it happens. And phase three is a state of being. It’s just beingness, natural beingness. Well, what? That’s what my mind’s like what? How do you do that when you’ve spent 50 something years people- pleasing and doing what everyone else says, and following leaders and mentors, and there was always someone directing or correcting and this is more like just being what I am, being what I know being natural, and that’s why it feels so trippy, like I am not on any kind of substance, but I do believe it feels like I am on a trip and I’m very transparent about it. I talked to my clients about it, and this is not new to me.
So I have been through this experience before, as I shared in the book when I talk about kind of being stuck between two worlds, and I’ve had at least four, maybe five pretty prominent experiences that I could probably write a book on each one, because they were deep and they were weird and there was no one in my environment to like tell me what was going on.
That’s the weirdest part about it is there’s no one to look to who has experienced it or who can guide. It feels like an inner pulling. It feels like a summoning like or an initiation into a new phase. I’m curious have you ever been through this experience?
Have you ever wondered, like what the hell is going on and where is normal? because this does not feel normal. It’s almost like an out of body experience, but I’m very grounded. I have like 100 clients I’m serving. I have a family. I was at a family gathering yesterday. I’m doing the everyday things, so that part is, I think, another aspect of it that feels really weird is I’m moving through the world, and I am very present, but I’m very present to this. I’ll call disruption this messiness and I’m not trying to fix it. I think that’s what’s making it different is, in the past I tried to fix it.
So if I had low energy, I took something to like pick up my energy, and if I was feeling like anxious or nervous, I took something to come down. And so I have used external forces to regulate my way of being and I am not doing that. I’m just here in this very raw, watching it, not reacting to it, and taking note of what’s happening, sharing my experience, and not like losing it. It kind of feels like I’m losing my mind. So it’s part of the Human Design experiment, like I didn’t take that lightly when I wanted to try it, and it’s all about strategy if you just followed your strategy, so if you just waited.
I talked about this a few weeks ago on the show. It’s like waiting If you can just be, you do what you love, do what your body wants and wait for something to respond, to wait for an invitation, just like the waiting is the part that the mind is not like, it does not want to wait and it wants to know everything. And there is no knowing.
I don’t know because I haven’t seen this, I haven’t experienced this, and there’s no one I can follow that can show me so messy, very, very messy. I’m wanting to know about other people’s experience. If you’ve actually chosen to live through gene keys in Human Design and really getting to know your authentic self and be in that like naturally you, in your divine essence of being.
I have a pretty great community, very supportive, and they get it because they also have decided that they want to live as themselves. They don’t want to be governed and conditioned and told what to do, how to be, and we’re kind of over the over-giving, people-pleasing, trying to make everyone like me.
They need to approve, I need to make sure that I’m saying the right thing and wearing the right thing, that it’s just over. It’s just over, and this weirdness is a bit trippy, it’s a bit scary and I feel very connected to life, to God, I am Christian based, you could say, like I am a believer, and I feel very clear about that knowing and that safety and what it’s like. I’m in this kind of grace period of trust and I do believe that there is this orchestration going on that’s pulling. I can feel this guidance, but I can’t see it and I can’t read it in a book, and I can’t explain it really. I just know it, like I’m super clear about it.
I’m getting in my van, I’ve got a few nights booked at these farms and where am I staying … a farm, alpacas, and things like this. So I’m going to be very close to nature and I’m trusting this knowing to guide me. So I don’t know exactly where I’m going the whole entire time. I have a couple of nights plotted out, I know where I’ll be on these certain dates, and I did this a few years ago. Maybe you guys remember I was recording the podcast back then too and I went on a trip to California. I was going for around 28 days, and it feels pretty much exactly like that. It’s like I just know that I have to go, and I have to follow this, and I know I’m going to be okay, but my mind can’t see what there looks like and it’s just bouncing all over the place and I’ve got all these scary fears about what could happen or might happen and I’m feeling that anxiety in my chest, in my body. I feel a knot in my stomach. I did move through some of that today. I just stayed with it, and I saw what the vision or the image was that I was so afraid of, and I just stayed, and I allowed it to dissolve.
A lot of this stuff is just old stories and warnings from people. You know how that goes. It’s like you better be careful, you better watch out, you better not do that, you better bring a gun. Do you have something? do you have protection? Like I’m just hearing all of that, but there’s actually no one saying it to me.
So that’s kind of weird and I don’t think it’s intuitive, like warnings. It sounds very much like a real person trying to scare me, sounds like my husband, sounds like my kids, sounds like friends. Matter of fact, my daughter-in-law, I think, was one of them that said it yesterday and I was like, well, you guys support me instead of trying to scare me. So that is what’s happening in my world.
I guess I’ll be recording from the road and as I make the discoveries and really understand what it’s like to be to truly just be, and I think the thing that my mind tells me is like I’m not responsible, I think that’s coming from my husband, and like there’s certain priorities or there’s these duties that I need to be doing and I’m like no, like I am responsible and I’ve been taking care of myself for a long time, so that dissonance is a little nutty.
All right, I probably shouldn’t be recording this in public, because it could be used against me. Anyway, tell me about your transformations, your changes come into the more the mindset Facebook group and share your experience. I would love to know if you understand this, if you’ve been through this, if there are several iterations of you that have come to be. I remember this happening when I was around 19 years old, and then again 29 years old, or 40 years old, for sure. I remember that when it was really significant 48 was another big year that I actually had a lot of physical conditions that came up in most of those times. So there’s a part of me that is really trusting, and I know I’m going to be okay, And I know I’m not being guided or misdirected. That it very much feels like a summoning or a pull, like come this way, come, and experience this, and evolving.
I remember going on that trip how scared I was, but I came back a different person. I better understood myself, I better trusted myself. I’m way calmer. I used to be like crazy all over the place, doing a whole bunch of things, always forcing, and pushing and struggling and suffering. I’m not suffering, not suffering. If I suffer it’s because of the scary stories that my mind is telling me about what might happen or worst-case scenarios and that sort of thing. And I’m really taking care of myself on a mental and emotional basis, like taking care of those needs, doing mindset and also emotional processing, and feeling the experience and basically the punchline approach.
The process is really just getting present, coming back to my body, coming back to trust, coming back to faith, coming back to connecting with divine, coming connecting with source, with this inner guidance, and it’s a very sovereign way of being. That’s not coming from the mind, but that’s coming from my heart, from my belly, and then I understand like, oh, that’s just my mind going a little crazy.
My brain is so used to being the protector, right, it’s like once everything to be familiar. So it’s very unsafe when it doesn’t feel familiar and it wants to, like tell me what to do, what to do, and I’m like we’re just going to be today. It’s like what? So really understanding that, so that I can reframe it and I can actually just stay in the being instead of hopping out and going into some older behaviors and habits that weren’t serving me, which is over giving, overdoing, overeating, overspending, all of the over things, right When we get into these extremes. And so this is not a like I’m just sitting here doing nothing. It’s actually not like that.
I am actually very active, I am working. I have a team, I’m training my team, we have a wellness week coming up, I’m doing coach calls, I’m working with some private clients. So I’m working. I’m just not really active on social media or in public. I find that it is best for me to just be quiet and be observant and respond when I am asked something, which is strategy.
That is the strategy, and the Human Design world that I see, especially on social media, is not actually taking the first step, which is following your strategy. It’s like it’s looking for all of these things that you can do to like skip around and make things happen fast, and that is not living by design.
Living by design is trusting and waiting and observing and watching all of these old habits and behaviors play out and have emotional stability and just be with myself as this experience is happening and then watching what it evolves to and what opportunities come in. I’ve had some really great opportunities, so I’m excited to meet these landowners and see what they all use these amazing business practices with their animals and the land. I want to be a part of that. I want to support that. So I don’t know about you guys, but I do love homesteading and just naturalness and organic and just allowing the land to do what the land does and being kind being kind to animals and kids, pets. We’ll see.
All right, that’s all I got this week is just sharing my experience, sharing my thoughts, and letting you know that there are many paths to healing or to wellness, but very often the middle part, before you actually get there, is a lot of unpacking, unraveling. It’s kind of like taking the knots apart and creating some space and letting the old things move through and then finding new things, and your brain will not like it because it’s not comfortable. It’s not comfortable to not know.
We think we need to know everything, and we don’t want anyone to know that we’re not smart or that there’s any of this stuff going on. It’s like we’ve got to have it together and we’ve got to like put on this face or facade and that doesn’t feel natural to me and, matter of fact, I would feel like a hypocrite if I were showing up that way and I don’t think that’s good for me.
Everything that I’ve heard and read about the 6-2, especially off the roof is that we really have to find that state of being and being the example of embodying this system and what that can look like. And I want to die well.
I’ve had 20-something years of being sick. I’ve had over 15 surgeries. I’ve done all that by being out of alignment and by trying to force life and suffering, and I’ve had that experience. I don’t want to have that experience again. I want to feel strong in my body. I want to feel joy and peace. I want to feel calm, and I do feel calm when I’m on the land, when I’m out in nature and when I’m experiencing new things.
So there you go, have an amazing week. If you have friends that are having a messy in the middle time that you want to share this with, feel free to share. Send them to the podcast, to YouTube, wherever you found this at. Come into the More Than Mindset Facebook group, for sure. Register for Wellness Week. That is going to be five days and we’re going to talk about the path to health, really living optimally, vibrantly, vitality, like not just existing but thriving, and we’re going to be doing that through relationships, through food, through mindset and also through abundance.
Like, what are your beliefs about money? Because let me tell you something, the thing that’s most important to me is that I continue to have experiences and that I serve the world in a way that feels good to me, which is through my coaching business, and I had to come to terms with my beliefs around money or about limitations, and I believe that living in abundance is the way to satisfy our purpose, because we need the resources. We live in a material world. If I’m going to get in a van, I’m going to have to put gas I’m going to have to pay for the vehicle, I’m going to have to pay for food, like we live in the material world And so we need money And we’ve got to get over these old scarcity beliefs and some of the conditioning that we’ve heard about money and all of that stuff or not having enough money or being in competition for money. I had to heal that stuff and, guys, it took a long time. So I’m going to be talking about that and we’ll also be talking about relationships.
Like that might be a question for some of you: how can I dare do this if I have 5 kids and 12 grandbabies and I’m married? and who does that? Because some of the conditioning has said that is wrong or bad, because you’re supposed to do it a certain way or you are wrong. This is black and white thinking. And actually that’s not true.
You can have a trusting relationship, you can have a vibrant and intimate relationship by being yourself, and if you can’t, then you’re really not in relationship with yourself anyway. And so who’s fooling who? They’re not even in a relationship with you. They’re in a relationship with you faking or pretending to be someone else. So that doesn’t feel great. You know what I mean?
All right. Thanks for listening to this episode of More Than Mindset.