#206: Personal Freedom
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Hey there! Welcome back. Hope you guys are having an amazing year or week or even day, right? Whatever’s going on for you. So, I have been really thinking about what I was going to do this particular episode on, and I had about five or six ideas. I’ve been kind of bouncing them around all day. Matter of fact, this kind of started last night and I just couldn’t nail one thing.
So, just going to say bear with me. I have about six ideas that I’m going to try to separate, and do in separate episodes, but it’s a pretty meaty topic. I am talking about the ultimate goal, like, for individuals. The ultimate goal in relationship. In just life in general. Like what is the ultimate goal? This started when I was revisiting my client avatar so that I can have more clarity around the difference between Self-Healing Masters and E-School and Integrative Coach Training.
And I was writing up, like, the characteristics, and what it is that they want more than anything else, and what separates those three avatars or those three containers. And this is one thing that kept coming in all of them. And so, I thought it would be a great topic. And that is: what is the one ultimate goal that all of us want more than anything else?
And I’m just going to say, this is what’s true for me. It might not be true for you. So, just bear with me, and use your own, use your own words of what’s most important to you. But for me, what I nailed down was personal freedom. Personal freedom. Being free to choose. Choose what I want, what I want to do, where I want to be, how I want to do it. The freedom to change my mind. That sounds really simple, right?
But it wasn’t always. Like, I am so darn committed that when I chose something and I said I was going to do something, I wouldn’t let myself off the hook. And I took it all so serious, which made it harder to decide, right? Because the mind’s like, “It is forever!”
So, the freedom to choose and the freedom to change. I also want to be accepted as I am. So again, personal freedom. I want the freedom to be myself. I want my needs and desires met without relying on someone else. I don’t want to have permission. Like I need to get permission, or you need to approve, or like, I want to be personally responsible, self-reliant, and personally free.
What about you? What is the most important thing? What is the ultimate goal for you for yourself? And the reason that this is coming up is I’ve been doing a lot of work with clients this week on relationships. So, as my clients are growing and evolving and becoming more of themselves—like they’re having their own personal freedom and personal responsibility—it’s showing up in their relationships.
And sometimes that can feel scary. And I see, like, personal growth or what some people call, like, becoming enlightened or, like that kind of stuff, I see that as sometimes this black and white thinking. So, here’s an example. It may look like one person in the relationship wants to attain this personal freedom or wants to acquire more. And they know that that is going to require them to be a different person. So, they’re going to have to do things differently. They’re going to have to spend their time differently. They’re going to have to think differently. And you know, maybe even getting some support around it.
So, this one person is making the changes. And their partner or their family, however, whoever you’re relating to, is seeing it differently. Not saying it’s wrong or bad, but just seeing it differently. They’re not quite getting, like, the mission or the vision. And what I see happening is the person who’s trying to grow sees this goal as being over there and they may say something like, “You’re always trying to stop me,” or “You’re only comfortable when things are the same all the time. It has to be safe for you. Never want to take any risk and you don’t support me. I’m just trying to better our life. Like, I’m trying to grow and you’re stopping me or trying to stop me from growing. You’re good as long as everything is, like, calm and, like, the same every day.”
Can you relate to what I’m saying? So, it may show up as something like that. And as I was doing this work with quite a few clients this week—so I’m like, there is something in the air—the thing that I noted more, more than anything else was number one: them wanting to be right. Like feeling like they need their partner to come on board in order for them to make the change. And I want to tell you that simply is not true.
Just so you know, my partner, my family, my friends don’t even know what I do. They don’t have anything to do with the changes that I’ve made. And I actually didn’t need their permission or their approval, as much as I tried to get it, and that’s actually the thing that took me longer. Because I spent so much time trying to get it, trying to convince, trying to prove it instead of just flipping doing it.
I call this lip service. When you keep talking about over there, you keep talking about where you want to go or what you can have, or like, “I just want to grow. I want us to grow together.” And there’s this assumption that that means this is not good enough. And so, your partner may be, like, kind of on a little rest break from themselves surviving, and finally getting ahead, and they might be in a moment of gratitude, and wanting to just be okay with where they are.
But because of the miscommunication, there is sometimes a fight about. And so, what I tell my clients is, “Listen, can you listen to them and what are they right about? What are they correct about? Like, can you just show them for a moment that you’re listening, that you understand, and that you’re on the same team?”
So, it’s just a moment of dropping or waving the flag. Like, “Hold on, hold on, hold on. We’re on the same team. Let’s get together. Hold on. Let’s see what’s really going on with you right now.” And then that opens up, just that vulnerability, opens up the doors to have a conversation. And you may be surprised that they’re, what looks like stopping, is actually just the pause in gratitude and appreciation.
And if you come at them, and you get defensive, and you start fighting about it, and you start trying to be heard, and getting the approval, and having the validation, and getting them on your side, and getting the support when they’re actually not where you are, and not even seeing what you’re seeing, and not even desiring what you’re talking about.
So, here’s the problem. The people, the clients, want the relationship. Matter of fact, it’s part of the growth is having a more intimate, deeper, more meaningful relationship. So, what is often happening is there’s a trigger, right? So, like an emotional trigger, and it brings up all this—you know, last week I talked about residual influence—it brings up the old fears because that could still be in their body. And then they take defense and now you have two people who are fighting.
Two people who were in defense, who were resisting. One not being able to see what the other one is thinking or where they are in their own personal cycle of transformation. And the thing that you (you’ll be able to recognize if you’re in this position), the thing that I hear them say is, “It’s just like it’s always been. I knew better than to try. Every time I try to get ahead, they try to stop me.”
You’ll hear yourself say stuff like that. So, that’s kind of like the signal to, like, pause and say, “Hold on, what’s really going on here? What are they really afraid of or being cautious about?” And also having clean compassion for yourself and the other person that you’re involved with; that we’re not always going to take the same steps at the same time.
We’re not always going to be in the same cycle of transformation, the same phase, or like, when you think about the actual personal responsibility and the transformation, okay? Let’s just say for one individual. When you think about all of the steps that that person has to go through and what their past experience has been, they’re going to have different, like say, roadblocks than you.
So, they may get hung up on money, you may get hung up on trust. They may get hung up on, like, something in the social world or in the environment, and you may get hung up on your self-image. And not knowing that, not having that clear understanding and not having the compassion for each other, both being on an individual journey while in a relationship is the issue.
And so, if I can just bring this to your awareness today that everyone’s ultimate goal may be personal freedom. So, how do you attain personal freedom and still be in a relationship? That’s the big question. Like I could talk on this all day, because I think it’s so important. And I see so many people who truly love each other, but they can’t communicate it.
And when the defense comes up, they actually don’t have the tools to work through these obstacles, or these objections, or these complaints. And the tools of communication are like… I’m trying to think of a way to say it that’s going to make sense… If you have the tools, if you understand the way that the brain and the bodywork, like, the mind-body connection and the way that we have these memories stored in our body, even in our mind, like, to protect us. And so, imagine that I come into the relationship; I come walking in. I’m by myself, and I have fifty years of experiences behind me that are completely unique to me. Individualized different stories with my parents, with my siblings, with my exes, you know, whatever it is.
Business partners that I bring into the relationship. So, now I’m standing in the room by myself and I’m on my own personal growth journey. And I want personal freedom because I want to be able to choose. I want to be able to change. I want to be accepted for who I am. I don’t want to pretend and be someone else. I don’t want to have to beg, and plead, or go crying to somebody, like, to give me money because I want something, right?
I don’t want that. I want the personal freedom to be able to choose for myself. And I can also depend on myself to be self-reliant and to be personally responsible. So, I’m in the room by myself. This is what I want, and this is what I have to work with. I have to unlearn all of those habits and patterns and behaviors and that history by myself.
Okay? So, that’s my own cycle of transformation and my journey. Now bring this other person into the room. And I’m really fond of this person and I want us to, like, partner and do things together and you know, like, we’re—I’m just imagining you just put your significant other in that position. Now they came in with their 30, 40, 50 years of experience, and their past traumas, and their belief systems, and the culture that they were raised in.
They are loaded down with all of that, and they want to personally grow and they want to be financially and personally free, and they want to be self-reliant, and they also want to be accepted for who they are. Got it? So, we got two people fully loaded down with past experiences, and there’s an attraction and there’s a commitment. And as they start to unpack, and unlearn, and unveil, they’re actually becoming new identities. It’s rather interesting. There’s a lot going on here. And, say I am on the third or fourth step, like, if I had the cycle of transformation… it’s like a circle.
Say I’m on one particular step and they’re on a different one. And we are both going through our own sloughing process (like the outer shell), and it’s on two different topics. And so, I might present this business idea or this new purchase that I want, or maybe it’s, you know, just an added expense into the house, and they might be on the part where they’re actually trying to find the financial stability.
So, when I ask for the thing that’s going to help me grow my business to make more money or whatever it is, you know, or just something that I want for myself, and they’re actually working through that financial piece, and they’re in scarcity and they are like trying to be responsible, but they’re really worried about the economy, or the job, and just that one little mention like, “I would like to go on a trip,” or “I want to buy this thing,” triggers insecurity, and fear, and doubt in them. And then there’s like defense that happens, and both are fighting for their cause. So, the partner is fighting for wanting the sustainability, and the responsibility, and like really conserving. And then the other one is fighting for the personal freedom and getting their needs and desires met.
So, can you see, like, if you were backed up or, taking a 360, looking on top, you would be able to see all of the components that are playing out and how it’s being triggered in the nervous system, and then how they’re reacting from this residual influence, which is past habit and behavior, and it’s not really what it looks like.
Does that make sense? And so now you’ve got both of them, like, trying to be right. And until one person uses the tools of communication, until one person drops or waves the flag, takes down the barrier—just one. It does not require both—and just pays attention, just maybe, just for a moment of “What’s going on, hon? What’s really happening?”
Like that one moment of dropping into safety, releasing the activation in the nervous system, and then the ration and reason come back. Because where there is high emotion, there is low intelligence. And when you are running on these old emotions, these triggers, you don’t have your right frame of mind.
And that’s where all the defense and the fighting comes from. So, could you imagine a world where people had the tools (I call it, like, we use the SOS, which is stop-open-stay) and a moment of inquiry, of like, “Wait a minute, what am I so triggered about? What am I so defensive about? How did I fall into this hopelessness? Like, ‘I knew it would never work. We always argue about this.'”
This is how it’s always been, right? Those things that come up, most of that is coming from the past experiences and not from that conversation that’s happening at hand. And so, if we lived in a world where we had this toolbox filled with communication tools like stop-open-stay, like pause, squeeze your toes, feel into your belly.
Just walk out of the room for a moment. Like, “Hey, I’ll be right back. I just need a moment.” Guys, you only need 30 to 90 seconds to compose. So, what’s happening in the nervous system or in your neurology is the thought, “I am unsafe. They want me to do something that doesn’t feel right. They’re pressuring me. They always want more than what I can give them.”
All of that stuff is happening. There’s a chemical release in the body, and then you’ll feel the heart starts to race and you start to get warm, and you start to get agitated, and itchy, and nervous, and like all these things start coming up. And then you react from that nervousness, from that pressure, and you’re not using your rational mind, right?
You’re not mindful anymore because you’re in reactive mode. And so, if you can just pause, back away—but inform the person. Don’t just storm out the house, take off, pill out, go drink a bottle of wine… not that at all. It’s just a moment; 30 to 90 seconds where you catch your head. You’ve heard that before, right? “Girl, you better catch your head.”
And so, it’s like, okay, and ask a couple of questions. “What’s really happening here? What am I afraid of?” It’s very often it’s done out of fear. “What am I afraid of? Why does this scare me? What else could be going on?” That’s like a brilliant question. What else could be going on?
Maybe they’re reacting to something completely different. Maybe it has nothing to do with you. But both of you are loaded down with all of these past experiences and you never know which one is getting triggered. And you don’t have to know. You don’t have to go into past lives. You don’t have to go into past relationships.
You don’t have to go backward. You just have to pause; and you just have to ask a few questions that will bring you back to present. And then you will start to unpack, and understand, and unlearn. This happens over time. It might take a hundred times, but each time you’re getting better and better at communication.
Each time you’re getting more comfortable, each time it becomes the next natural thing. So, that’s what I got for you this week, is really questioning: what is the ultimate goal for you? Maybe it’s not personal freedom. For me, it’s, for sure, personal freedom. And I realize that’s what we help people do in Self-Healing Masters.
We help them find out who they are, release who they’re not, and become the best or higher version of themselves. And E-School, same thing. It’s, like, what do you want to contribute to the world and how can you do it in a way that is completely aligned with who you are? What is your contribution? What is your solution that you help to solve?
How do you support yourself? What is the monetary exchange and offer that you have? And in Integrative Coach Training, it’s learning these tools that I’m talking about here today. How can you help others build better relationships? Heal or amended old traumas that are stored in the body? How can you help other people communicate better with the people that they love? How can you, you, yourself, become personally responsible for attaining your own goals, for meeting your own needs, for choosing and changing your mind?
So, those are the things that I have been working on all week. I hope it was helpful for you. Remember the questions to ask. What else is going on here? “Hey, hon. What’s happening? What’s really coming up in this moment? Like that moment of neutrality to get present and come back into alignment that we’re on the same team, but there’s something very different happening between the two of us and the way that we are seeing this play out and maybe our concerns don’t match, and that’s why it doesn’t make sense to me. And I probably have a belief about you from our past experience, from who you were before we started doing this work, or possibly from another relationship that I was in years ago. And I happen to just bring it into here because it feels the same. The disappointment feels the same, the struggle feels the same.”
And so, once you can recognize that, start to identify and unpack this. I’m telling you, I have clients who are killing it in their relationships. They are like… I don’t… it makes me want to cry because there’s nothing more important in this physical world than relationships. Connection. Like I truly believe that. The personal freedom that we want to attain is we want that so that we could be in a loving relationship as ourself.
I think one of the biggest problems is when we get with someone else, we think we have to think like them, and be like them, and do like them, and eat the same thing, and like the same thing. And that’s a big problem. That leads to a lot of problems. Just start to notice some of these things and ask the questions.
Sit with it. Give it ninety seconds before you lash out. Drop the guard. Wave the white flag. You be the one. You be the one to do it. I don’t want to hear it, “I’m always the one. I’m always the one.” Great. Always that you get to be the one. How can you flip that and make it something positive?
All right, my friends, I wish you an amazing week.
Thanks for listening to this episode of More Than Mindset.