Ep #85: Receive Support

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Hey there and welcome back to the show. Alright guys, this week we are going to talk about receiving support. Sounds like it could be pretty simple, right? Yeah, well, it turns out most of my calls in the last couple of weeks have been about exactly this, the inability to receive support. The inability to be seen, heard, witnessed, experienced, the inability to show up fully embodied. It’s a big deal. We’re going to talk about this.

Alright, so let’s talk about celebration. Whenever we think about receiving support, that’s even for ourself, how often do you celebrate yourself? Because here’s the deal, we have a celebration problem. We don’t know how to celebrate good things so we focus on problems that we don’t want. We think it’s better there than here, not realizing that the only difference between here and there is a T and in the coaching world that is a thought. The only difference between here and there is the T. Come on, can you see it?

We spend so much time focusing on what it’s going to be like when we get there. So we’re constantly telling our brain that there is a problem here. And so we’re running on that dialog that we are a problem, our life is a problem, things are a problem, instead of running on the dialog of what we want to celebrate, what we want more of. So we have a celebration problem, this is what we do. We negotiate. We live in the normal world of unmet needs and we think it’s okay. We adapt to settling, to not having and to not even believing it’s possible to have it.

We negotiate what we want and even what we need. And it’s all because we have this immature emotional aspect of ourself. This wounded child where it’s like this left off part of us. It’s left off exactly where she was, when she was disconnected and frozen in time. We oppress, suppress or repress, it kind of depends on the ability to process. I’m really not trying to make that rhyme. It’s just the way it came out. So let’s talk about the difference.

So first just to make sure we are following the theme here. In order to receive support you have to first recognize what the problem is that’s preventing you from receiving support. What is the reason that we are not worthy of being held, we are not worthy of receiving what we want and need? And that is this immature emotional aspect of ourself, this wounded child that has repressed, meaning that we have disengaged when we didn’t know what to do.

So repression happens when there’s no resource, there is no toolset. There is no skills to go to. So imagine being four years old and suddenly getting frightened and being all alone. And just not knowing what to do, you can imagine someone just standing there and their eyes looking side to side. And they’re just, kind of like their body’s frozen in time and they’re like, I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know.

They don’t even have the resources in their own brain, in their mind and they look in the environment and they don’t have resources in the environment. So the only option is to repress, and so it’s basically just a mechanism and we don’t mean to do it, we don’t try to do it. It’s just the way we are conditioned. It’s the human condition to protect ourself. So repression is typically, happens at a younger age or when we’ve been shocked, or when we’ve disengaged by defense.

The other option is we may suppress it, meaning something happens and it’s too hard to deal with or it’s uncomfortable or shameful. So we force it down and pretend it’s not there. And this creates the shadow. It’s like when you’re suppressing you know you’re doing it. So when you repress it’s basically a mechanism. It just kind of happens automatically. So that’s the difference between repress and suppress.

And when I talk about being oppressed, that is the state of it now. That’s the condition that was created through the suppressing and repressing. So you can imagine a child whose needs were not met, this wounded child, or this immature emotional aspect where I don’t have the resources. I don’t know what to do. No one’s explaining it. I don’t know or understand what I’m feeling. Something is scary but I can’t put a word to it. I don’t have a system. I don’t have a way to get out of this or a way to handle it.

And so that’s when we typically, at whatever age that was is where we typically freeze or disconnect, that inner child or that wounded child. And we just kind of keep on moving, we keep going, we have this unconscious aspect of ourself and this conscious aspect of ourself. And we just kind of keep going through life.

Guys, you know it, you still do it today. You pass by someone, something happens, you feel ashamed, you act like it didn’t happen, you act like it didn’t bother you. And you just swallow it, you suppress it and you go on your merry way and you pretend you’re not upset. And then you resent the crap out of them, that’s what we do as adults.

So imagine taking that into this wounded or immature aspect of yourself. When you didn’t even have the resources to pretend, it was just what the brain did. The brain was like, “No, this is not safe, we’ve got to check out.” And we disassociate somewhat instead of staying present and then emotionally maturing I’ll say, because we don’t have the capacity. It’s not that anything went wrong, it’s just we didn’t have the resources or the tools to know how to do it, which is very, very normal. Kids don’t know how to do that.

We’re taught, everything we know we are taught, everything you know you were taught. You came as a blank slate and you were conditioned by your environment. So it kind of depends on the environment that you were brought up in. This is what we are healing. And so it’s not like it’s easy to explain. What we are doing is we are updating our state of being. We are maturing the emotional condition.

So we have the mental aspect, that’s our mind, our ability to think, and to respond, and to create. Kind of like when someone shames you, you create the scenario to pretend you didn’t, you’re really quick in the mind to cover it up. So that’s your mental capacity. And then you have your emotional capacity and that is your ability to feel this discomfort, to stay present in the discomfort until it is processed and integrated. That’s what we are teaching. That’s what we weren’t taught then.

And then you have the spiritual aspect, and that’s just who we are as a soul being. These experiences or I like to say they are kind of like preplanned, we have to just deal with it. There is a force outside of us that’s happening, these things. We have some freewill, if you can call it that. I won’t go into there. So this emotional patterning, I’ll say, that has been imprinted in our body. So we are upgrading it. We’re upgrading our system so that we have the ability to stay present. We have the ability to feel.

We’re not trying to feel good all the time, we’re just trying to feel so that we can deal and we can heal. But the very first step is what do I do with these emotions? What do I do with discomfort? What do I do with the shame, this heat building in my body, these sensations, this anxiety, the pounding in the chest, this knot in my stomach? That’s what we are upgrading is our ability to manage that, to regulate it, to stabilize it.

So whenever you’re in the healing process, what’s going to happen is if you have this aspect of yourself that is disconnected then it’s a matter of, one, waking it up, or two, thawing it out. So if it’s frozen in time then you can imagine it’s just kind of petrified. You’ll know this by if you get in a testy situation, someone asks you something and you just kind of freeze up, like fight, flight, freeze. And then you have that freak, that’s when you just kind of go ballistic.

So you have this waking up, that’s one option, which is I have been asleep, I didn’t even realize. I didn’t even know this Kim, I’ve never heard this before, but gosh, it makes sense. Well, now you are waking up. And then the thawing out is something that we actually do in processing. So it’s staying in the emotion long enough for you to feel it all the way through so that you can process it and integrate it, because it is an un-integrated perception. It’s the way the child perceives and they weren’t able to feel.

So I know you’ve heard me talk about this on other episodes. But I want to use it today in the way of receiving support. It’s because we don’t feel worthy of or we are not comfortable in. It’s unfamiliar, we don’t know what that’s like because the part of us that needed the support is frozen, or it’s asleep. It didn’t mature. It didn’t keep growing, didn’t come onboard. So what happened is the mental aspect of us kept growing, but the emotional aspect of it, it was stunted in time.

And so that’s what we are healing right now, we’re updating that part, that state of the being, that part of the body, that part of your system, your emotional system.

Now, here’s the hard part, when you begin awakening to a higher state of being your environment may not support it, might not support it at the time that it’s happening. And they may not support it because they don’t understand what you’re talking about. So this is really the basis of why we’ve created a community, the self-healing community, the More than Mindset community is so that you have a space that you can come over.

If you feel like an alien this is your planet. If you feel like, you’re like, “I don’t know what the hell’s going on. I’m having this,” I guess you would call it a spiritual awakening. I’m noticing things. I’m realizing. I feel like a fruit loop, a bowl of Cheerios, something’s happening. It’s always kind of been this way. I never really fit in, in school or in my family. Those will be the telltale signs. So it’s this awakening to a higher state of being.

Guys, that doesn’t have to be all woo. It truly is exactly what it is, wake the heck up and grow up in a higher state. And when you get the call, you get the call. You can try to turn it off but just so you know, your body’s already breaking down, or it has broken down. So you already have the sign, you already know that this is your wake-up call. You have been unsatisfied. You kind of wither away and begin losing your zest for life. You don’t really have anything that’s fun and playful. You’re not finding a whole lot of pleasure, it’s just kind of “meh.”

That’s when you know you’re getting the call, because you’re already recognizing, you’re already aware that your body’s breaking down, that you’re unsatisfied, that you’re kind of fizzing out. You’re just, “Yeah, I just don’t know. I’m not sure how, it’s just something doesn’t feel right.” That’s the kind of thing that’ll start coming in. And the first thing you typically do is try to change your outer circumstances.

That’s the other sign is, once you have left your partner, changed your job, bought a new car, got a couple of new wardrobes, you’ve changed your career a couple of times. These are the telltale signs that you are trying to change the outer circumstances with your job, relationships, location, whatever that looks like. And it doesn’t work. I tried everything and I was like damn it, it just didn’t work.

You can’t change your outside circumstances when you’ve gotten an inside calling. It’s kind of okay just to kill time and venture out, and get a little bit of light experience. But it’s not going to give you what you’re really looking for. And that inability to receive support, that feeling unworthy, unseen, un-validated, that is the thing that is in the way. That’s the thing that you have to recognize first is maybe I need some help here. Maybe I can get some support here. Maybe someone else understands.

Maybe you’ll be willing to be vulnerable and risky to reach out and talk about what is shaming you. Because that’s the hardest part is you’re afraid to talk about it, or let me just say we are afraid to talk about it because our environment wants to judge and criticize, point fingers and talk about us and laugh. They think it’s funny. But guys, it’s only because they haven’t had their knock yet. That’s it, everyone is going to get it, there’s no way out of here without hardship. There’s just no way around it, that’s part of the human experience.

So once you recognize that it doesn’t work, you’ve lost the way, you’ve changed the location, the job, you’ve done all the things. And you’re like dang it, I’m still not feeling it, I don’t know what’s happening. Then I’ll give you the steps of what to do. Are you ready?

So once you recognize that you have received this awakening to a higher state, this calling and you notice that you’re having a hard time receiving support, being held, being seen. The very first step is to get present, just slow down and take a few breaths, close your eyes. You’re going to want to jump out of your skin but I want to urge you to come back in. Imagine you’re turning your eyes inward and looking down, down into your body. And just stay there for a few moments and just settle in.

It is safe to be in my body. It is safe to be here. Here is the same as there without the T. Here is fine. There is nothing better outside of me. Get present, take a few breaths, feel sensations in your body. And you might only be able to stay there for a couple of seconds at the beginning. And each day you’ll stay a little bit longer, a little bit longer. I promise you, it’s the practice of stopping, feeling, stopping, breathing, stop, stay. That’s it, that’s the first step. That’s the first thing you can do is create a daily practice to get present.

And I have a solution for that, if you want help you can come over to the More than Mindset Group. We have a healing meditation every morning Monday through Friday, you are welcome to attend. We actually do this process, so you have support there. It’s all about presence. It’s just coming into the stillness and we practice it together in a community.

If you’re resistant to that when I say it, I want you to ask yourself why. Why wouldn’t you receive the support that I’m offering right now? What’s the excuse that your brain is telling you? You don’t have time. You don’t know who those people are. It’s unfamiliar. What is the story your brain is telling you? If you really want to take a good look at that, why am I not able to receive support? Why am I not able to take people up on their offer? Why is it so hard for me? It is a trauma response when you cannot receive support.

It is you jumping out of your skin. It is you not feeling worthy. It is you not being comfortable with letting other people hold, hold you, see you, witness you, experience you. It’s your inability to be in an intimate relationship where someone is allowed to fully see you even in your shame. So, that’s the first step, is just getting present and noticing all of that.

And then we want to unveil or unravel the story, which is what I just took you through, really asking those questions. Why am I not able to receive support? What is wrong with me right now in this moment? What do I tell myself that is preventing me from getting help, what is the story, what’s the inner dialog that my mind is telling me? What do I believe about community, about not fitting in, or whatever it is? It’s all some BS, it’s just belief systems.

And the third step is to navigate. So you want to change the outdated habits, the things that you have been doing which is to eject, to repress, to suppress, to eject, to freeze, to disconnect. That’s the thing that you have been doing when you feel uncomfortable, you disassociate, out of here, let me avoid this, let me go eat something, let me go drink something, let me go find something to do, let me go check out.

So instead of doing that, you’re going to do the present, you’re going to come back, you’re going to breathe, you’re going to feel, you’re going to notice and then you’re going to begin to unravel and question. I wonder why this is so scary for me. I wonder why I can’t stay more than two seconds without wanting to jump out of my skin. I wonder. I wonder why, I’m just curious. And you just begin to enquire. That’s it.

It’s just three steps that you can start doing now. Get present, begin challenging or unraveling the story, and then navigate the outdated behaviors, instead of running over there, you want to come back here, here in your body. Three simple steps, that is the beginning, it’s like the ripping off the band-aid of I am worthy to receive support, even support from myself, even support from myself.

And then you have an offer to come into the community, it is free, there is no charge there. We have a live Facebook group, we have live meditations, we have live calls. You are welcome to ask questions. We talk about the podcast. We talk about taking this work deeper. There’s plenty of support for you there. We just did a book study on the Punch-Line Approach that takes you through all of these steps. So you can have a copy of that and you can listen to all six weeks, the recordings, the replays and get to know the work.

So that’s what I want to offer you is support, if you are willing or have the capacity to receive it. And if not, take these three simple steps until you are ready to receive. That’s what I’ve got for you this week.

Thanks for listening to this episode of More than Mindset.