Ep #201: Relationships

 

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Full Episode Transcript:

#201: Relationships

Welcome to More Than Mindset, the only podcast that bridges the gap between spirituality and success. Go beyond the mind with clarity and confidence coach, Kim Guillory, and learn how to integrate your passion to serve with your skills and experience to create a business you love. Let’s get started.

Hey there and welcome back to the show. So, this week I’m going to do something a little bit different. I want to answer a question mostly because I hear this often. It’s something that comes up in Self-Healing Masters E-School, as well as the More Than Mindset Facebook group and in coach training. So, it’s in every container that I offer, everything that I teach. I see this one thing come up all the time. And so, I wanted to address it in a way that it could be used as a resource.

And that question is, “Well, what do I do if I feel trapped by people around me who think I should do something different? Like they want me to do what they think is right for me instead of me being able to do what I think is right for me.”

This has probably come up with for every single client, probably because I work a lot with people pleasers, codependence… And it’s a habit, right, that’s just of the human condition. That we want everyone to be happy with us. We don’t want to disappoint anyone, or we don’t want anyone to judge us or think negatively of us. But what I see in the personal-development world or self-improvement world more than anything else is “I want to trust myself.”

I want to trust, like I want my own inner knowing to be activated. I don’t want to have to go to someone else. And I don’t want to feel trapped by having to do what they think I should do and then being emotionally manipulated when I don’t. So, like in the Amish religion, this is called shunning. It’s like, it’s like a dismissing of your presence.

And even for people who are—like any religion, any human, any condition—emotional manipulation is when we treat people negatively to try to punish or shame them so that they do something else, so that they do what we want them to do. Guys, this is like a form of punishment and it’s to attain control.

It’s to get them to do things a certain way. I am guilty of this, and I’ve been the victim of it, and I have been the perpetrator. I did this with my kids. I did this with friends; I did this with clients. Like I get it. It’s a very sneaky habit. And when you don’t know, you don’t know. Like I’m not blaming anyone, it’s just the way that we are.

My son was telling me that even like as a young adult, that this is so common in the workplace. Like you should know, and if, like, let’s just say, like, show up for work early or do a certain thing that’s not in the policy or in procedures, but you should just know to do it. And if you don’t, they’re just going to, like, treat you badly.

They’re going to, like, give you the evil eye. Not talk to you. What? Like, because that is their way of getting you to get it without them being transparent, without them being direct. So, it’s an indirect form of manipulation and control. And it’s very commonly accepted. Wouldn’t you agree? I’m sure you know what I’m talking about.

So, it’s the person that you didn’t invite, so then they’re upset with you, so then they ignore you or they go and do something to spite or to “show you.” Just human behavior. Human condition. I just decided this year that I was no longer going to tolerate it in my relationships. That my very first core value is transparency, and it might be uncomfortable, but I prefer being uncomfortable and having the conversation than having someone ignore me, shun me, pretend that I’m invisible because they’re upset with me. Instead of just saying, “Hey, I’m upset with you, and I really can’t talk about it right now. I’m not in the place. I may say something that I might regret, so I prefer just not to talk to you right now.”

I get that. I can get that. Like, I’m like, yeah! Like, I’m not sure what I did, but I’m open to space. That’s transparency, that’s directness. But I’m just not going to talk to you and I’m going to do these social media things so that you get the point, and I’m going to do these other things and maybe not include you so that you know, so that if I can shame you, punish you, eliminate you, whatever, reject you, then you’ll get it. Right?

So, it’s like there’s this form of sneakiness behind it. Or manipulation is the word that comes up for me. And I spent a big part of my life in this shit, and I just decided this year I just wasn’t going to anymore. And I feel that—this is for me, personally—I would rather be in relationships that are open and honest, even though they’re uncomfortable.

But at least they’re growing us both together. And if you’re my friend, if you’re really my friend, if we’ve been close, if we’ve been intimate in the way of communication and truthfulness and, like, just transparent. Like if you have been with me in a deep conversation, I consider that a friendship. I actually put you at a higher level.

So, it’s not like a client who comes in and then leaves. If we have had this deeper connection, I kind of expect more because you know me and you know that’s how I am. And because I’m transparent and I’m honest about it, I feel like that’s integrity, then I kind of expect more from it. Right? Can you guys relate?

So, anyway, back to the front of this. If you play that game, then you’re leaving it open for having to make assumptions. And that’s one of the four agreements is don’t make assumptions. Don’t take it personal, which that’s a whole ‘nother topic I’m going to talk on. Always do your best and be impeccable with your words.

And so, if you clump all those together, it’s a great way to have a deep relationship with great communication. So, just letting you know that that’s just where my head is today. That’s what I’m thinking about. And maybe this is just me putting it out there that I am open for deeper, more intimate, transparent relationships, whether that’s in business, friendships, partnerships… and I’ve just set some boundaries around not trying to figure it out, not having to guess. And if I reach out and you’re going to shun me or ignore me, or choose, like, to pretend, like, I’m dead, that triggers me because I was rejected and abandoned as a child, as a little kid by my mom. And then that behavior, because I believed I wasn’t worthy, I wasn’t good enough, they didn’t like me, there’s something wrong with me, I’m defective, that I carried that through most of my life.

And now that I believe I am worthy and I am enough and I am okay and I’m really working on this accepting, you know, this self-image, you know, working on being all that I am without shame, without apology, and that behavior is no longer available for me.

And so, that leads to what I’ll ask you. What are the boundaries? What’s the transparency? What’s the directness that you want in your relationships? What feels good and safe to you? Because before, I was afraid of intimacy. I was more like I would bounce out and disconnect myself before someone else could hurt me.

I would just go ahead and take the lick, because I would rather do it than myself, then someone else do it to me. Because then I was forewarned, especially if I was doing it to myself. But now that I’ve done the work this year, especially on the deeper trust, I just don’t have a tolerance for it or a need or a desire to engage in that anymore.

And so, I’m curious, for you: what is a deep, intimate relationship to you? Is intimacy something that you’re available for? Is directness something that you’re available for? Because I really remember not wanting to be direct, not wanting to know. I wanted to pretend. I kind of liked the control and manipulation because then I knew how to act so that they would like me because my intention was to be liked.

This is what I thought. The older we got, the more friends we would have. I was so excited. Like everywhere we go, we meet someone new and then we’re just going to have more and more and more and more friends. Turns out that’s not true. More people that know you, the more people there will be that dislike you. And I’m learning to not take that so personally.

And it’s just the way we are in the time that we are in that way. Doesn’t mean it’s forever. I’m not mad at anyone. There’s not one person, not one human, that I would not say hello to, that I would not, like, I wouldn’t ignore, act like they didn’t exist, make sly remarks… I don’t feel that way around anyone. I’ve gotten butt-hurt. I’ve been super sensitive. It’s just who I am. I’m a deep soul lover. And I’ve been disappointed! But I recognize that I wanted to create something different, and so I became that. I became clear, transparent, direct, which is often confusing for people. They don’t understand why. Like, what is she talking about? Who says that?

Like, I’ve had families say that. Like, “no, everyone knows it, but no one says it. Why do you say that? It’s so uncomfortable.”

And I was like, “Because I don’t want to guess. I don’t want to pretend. I want to know, like, if you don’t like me. I don’t want to spend so much energy, like, trying to get you to like me because I don’t want to be someone else in order for you to accept me.”

Because that doesn’t work for me. It’s me cheating on myself. It’s me disliking myself if I have to pretend. And man, talk about a change-up. Fifty years into this, and maybe this is the 6/2 off-the-roof thing, you know? Maybe it is part of the role model of just being myself. I’m the example of individuality, freedom, expression, uniqueness being all that I am without apology. Like I did not make me… me. I am the product of divine intervention or divine creation.

And I’m going to add this little piece to it, because this happened recently, and it was fascinating. So, I have judged myself as long as, probably, since middle school, about the way that I walk. I’m pigeon-toed, knock-kneed, and I have hated that about myself.

And guys, that’s not something you can control. The height of your legs, the length of your arm, like it’s actually not something we—like it just is, right? The way that my body is the vehicle that I move through the world in. And my granddaughter, one of my tiniest granddaughters, has very floppy feet, very much like me.

And my son sent me a picture of like her arch turned in and it’s like, it’s kind of like the eye roll of the family. Nobody wants to walk like Grammy, right? Nope, we all know it and it’s not something we talk about, but I have a lot of shame about it. This was the whole thing behind the whole Abraham Hicks thing.

I didn’t want to get up on stage; I didn’t want to be seen in front of people. I didn’t want to walk in front of people and I’m like, I’ve got to heal this shit. I did not make me this way. I am this way. And so, like, what am I making that mean? And so, I’ve been doing a lot of work around that. And so, I had my granddaughter, and we were at the zoo, and I was looking at how she was standing a certain way.

She did a certain thing, and I just had this just little inspirational moment. And I was like, “I would never love her less because of the length of her legs, the size of her feet, the way that she’ll stand. Ever.”

And I was telling my daughter this yesterday. I was like, “If we brought all the twelve grandkids and stacked them against—just had them all stand in front of the wall and we’re like, ‘okay, we like you less because you’re short, because you weigh this much, because you have this color hair, because you like pizza, because you don’t—’ like, we would never!”

We would never love one less because of their body shape or the color of their hair or their eyes. And it really started opening and expanding my mind to love and accept myself more. And that’s all part of this work of, I’m just not willing to be ignored, to be shunned, to be talked—listen, we’re all going to judge, talk, whatever. That’s different than being in an intimate relationship and then someone just deciding to cut you off, not answer you, ignore you, not talk to you, yet pretend, like, on social media or whatever. It’s like the hidden language of social media. They just don’t tell you happy birthday.

They don’t tell you congratulations. They go off and do this other thing—but so like, I feel for this, these generations today. The kids that are in school, in college, that have to put up with this. Because it’s hard as an adult, as a 54-year-old adult. Can you imagine what the kids are going through with this?

Anyway, that’s just what I wanted to talk to you about. What do you want in your relationships? What’s deep and meaningful? What are you available to receive? Because before I wasn’t available to receive and accept myself. I wasn’t available to love myself. I wasn’t available to accept intimacy and openness. I was afraid to hear.

I was so afraid of rejection and being put down, and I was afraid that was affecting my worth and value. And so, I couldn’t hear it, like I couldn’t receive it. And that has changed, and it’s, it’s opened up a whole new world for me. So, I went to invite you into this contemplation. What do you think about yourself and what makes you unworthy or worthy?

Right? What do you make your weight, or length of your legs, or size of your arms, or color of your hair… what do you make that mean about you? Like I’ve even been looking at the word fat. Like I looked up the word fat. What does fat mean? What do we understand about fat? Is it negative? Is it rich? Is it bold? Like what is fact?

And it was so funny because part of the dictionary, like the meaning of it, came up like an example was having a fat wallet and I was like a fat wallet full of money. Oh, actually fat is not the way I’ve been seeing it all these years. So, that, again, that’s relationship with yourself. The words that you use, what do they mean?

What does that word mean to you? What do you make it mean about yourself and the way that you want to be in relationship with the world? With others, with self?

All right. Have a great week. Come into the More Than Mindset Facebook group, and I would love to see you on one of our challenges. We have been doing so many challenges.

Self-healing Masters is having Fix Your Pain Challenge. We have the Business Lift-Off happening with E-School. Choose Your Word is happening. I think it’s this week. That’s going to be happening on What is the Word for 2023? I’ve had a word every single year, so that’s going to be super fun. And in January, starting January, April, July, and October of 2023, we have live events called Belief Bootcamp.

I would love to see you at any of this. So, you can just go on to the website, come to the More Than Mindset Facebook group, and make sure you share and tell friends about the podcast. All right. Have a great week.

Thanks for listening to this episode of More Than Mindset.