Ep #149: Relationships with Lynda Richard

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Hey there. This week I am interviewing Lynda Richard, who is an intimacy and relationship coach. Lynda has been through the integrative coach training program with me, she is also a massage therapist. But her specialty is improving relationships.

We have a conversation about some of the struggles that she had, and how she helps clients actually reset their relationships so that they can have a better experience with their partner. I hope you enjoy.

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Kim: Hello, hello. My guest today is Lynda Richard. She is an intimacy and relationship coach. She was trained by me as an integrative life coach. So I wanted to bring her on just to talk about her experience in her relationship as well as what she is doing now for the public in her business. So I thought it’d be a great time to introduce her. Hi, Lynda, welcome.

Lynda: Hi, so thanks for having me today. And yes, I am excited to be here and share this with y’all. And I was trained by Kim and this whole experience has been amazing. Doing the self-work has been quite the journey. And also turning around and sharing my work with my clients and the world has been just so fascinating.

I have a history of multiple marriages. And I’ve been through some trauma on my own, which that was really where things started for me, was like all the crap that I went through in my life. And I had no idea that that was what was affecting my relationships and how I went about having relationships.  And one of the reasons that I couldn’t have a healthy relationship.

And just uncovering and digging all that out has really opened my eyes to how much influence what we experience in our life has on our relationships.

Kim: Exactly, I was doing a live on this yesterday, and really recognizing that the way that we behave that’s coming from the conditioning, and we think it’s just the way life is, right? It’s just facts. And we move through these relationships with these noted rules in our head.

Lynda: Yeah, for sure.

Kim: Exactly. So what has that been like for you? Let’s just kind of go to, not necessarily going into a story as much as moving from the old into the new. What was that experience about when you had an idea in your head of what you thought relationship was supposed to look like, and then you had these rules of how you thought relationships are supposed to work? And then you discovered that that’s not necessarily true. So what would you say was your perception about relationships prior to this work?

Lynda: I come from the south, east Texas, and I grew up in a Christian home. So for me it was you get married once, it doesn’t matter what happens in your relationship or your marriage, you stay married. You commit to that, and that’s it, it’s a done deal. And you just figure out a way to make it work, no matter what’s going on.

So I grew up watching people with abuse and everything go on in their relationships. And it was just my understanding, you make it work. You get married and that’s a lifelong commitment.

And the other thing was I thought all marriages looked the same. They were supposed to look the same. I didn’t realize marriages could work differently for different couples. To me, I thought there was like this cookie cutter husband works, wife stays home with kids, or husband works, wife works part time job so that she can be available for kids. There was just these certain dynamics of what a marriage look like to me, that I took those ideas with me.

And the submissive wife thing, like I had that completely out of context in my head. I thought that was being a yes man. Just whatever your husband says, you do. You know, the man is in control.

Kim: Can I ask you, was it coming from a moralistic approach? Or was it coming through a commitment approach? Like morally this is how it’s supposed to be, or because I said yes it has to be yes forever.

Lynda: Well, it’s a little bit of both because in my religious background divorce was bad, like you don’t get divorced. But then also there is this like failure. If you get divorced, that’s failure. And so there’s that need to stay committed and do whatever it takes to try to make it work. And sometimes there is nothing you can do to make it work because it’s not the right person. And you didn’t realize it’s not the right person when you entered into that commitment.

Kim: Oh, let’s go there. Okay, so because when you’re saying when you entered into the commitment, are you saying it’s because of like how you entered as yourself and who you thought they were? Or is it just sometimes it’s just not the right person?

Lynda: Well, I think sometimes it’s just not the right person. But I know for me personally, I was a super people pleaser. So I entered into relationships not as myself.

Kim: Mm-hmm. And I can agree with you on that part, dating early on and then kind of like this is just who I am, this is who you are. And then 20 years later we’re still coming from that same dynamic, but we’re actually–  well, hopefully, we’re not the same person. Hopefully, we’ve had a lot of experience in between.

So do you see that the reason your clients, or yourself, or people that you talk to, that it is a moral thing or it is an obligation? I see them both play out, but I’m curious.

Lynda: I see both play out, but I think, and it really depends on the person because some people aren’t the religious type so the moral thing doesn’t come into play. But whether the people are the religious type or not, I do see the commitment thing, the obligation come into play.

Kim: So what happens if we enter the contract or the commitment as these two identities, like this is who I am, this is what I believe, this is my past. And then we move into a relationship thinking that’s how it’s supposed to be. But then life happens, things change, people die, we get jobs, we get fired, we quit, things like that happen. And we become a new person, a new version of that person.

What would you suggest if that happens? Let’s just use an example, like myself and my husband. And we enter and we have this belief about kids, and then one of us comes to realize that, “Holy crap, that’s what I’ve been believing, but that’s actually not true anymore because now I know something different.” What would we do?

Lynda: Well, that’s one of the biggest things, is being your authentic self in the relationship. And that can change, you can change, your partner can change. So you have to keep showing up as your authentic self.

So when it changes, sometimes there’s hard conversations. And you have to have like a reevaluation of what your relationship looks like, and what you’re willing to accept, what you’re not willing to accept. And just kind of come together with your partner and be like, “Okay, I feel like this is who I am now and this is where I am now. So are we both on the same page?”

Kim: Okay. So when you say sometimes it requires a hard conversation, and I’m just going to present some of the stories that I hear from my clients, and I’m pretty sure you work through with yours. And that is, let’s say there’s a hard conversation and someone is five to eight years in. And what they thought being a mom was going to look like or being a wife was going to look like is now being brought to their awareness that that’s actually not what it looks like. It’s completely different.

But they’re already obligated. And they already have children, and they’ve already taken this role. How would they, or she, or he suggest entering into this hard conversation?

Lynda: Okay, so, for instance, like when it comes to kids, I was not the one that wanted to have kids. So when it came about I kind of understand how the parenting thing may not look after the fact what you thought it was going to be going into the relationship. So just figuring out a way that works for you and being able to present that to your partner.

Kim: What does that look like specifically? 

Lynda: So you have little ones at home and you’re like, “Okay, I thought I wanted to be a stay at home mom, but I realized this isn’t going to cut it.” So having that conversation with your husband, “Okay, we’re going to have to find a way to cover costs for a babysitter because I’m ready to get back to work. Being the stay at home mom no longer works for me.”

Kim: Okay, so if they’re presenting with he doesn’t want to hear that. Like he’s not changing his mind, that’s who he married and that’s what he thought was going to happen with his kids, then what? I know I’m getting challenging here, but these are the sorts of problems that I hear people having.

Lynda: Yeah, so everybody has their own needs, so you have to be able to set that boundary and follow through with it. Because otherwise, okay, I need to go back to work for my own sanity, for my own peace, my own happiness, my own joy. So we have to find a sitter. Okay, husband is like, “Nope, that’s not going to cut it. When we got married, I wanted a stay at home wife, I don’t want somebody else raising my kids.”

All right, well this is not the marriage, this is not what I want our marriage to look like. I want to be able to work. So what’s a reasonable compromise? Or I will cover babysitting costs. I will figure out how to hire my own babysitter so that I can fulfill my own need. And then the husband, he gets to choose, okay, she’s not who I married or what I thought I was going to marry. He gets to make the choice to stay or leave.

Kim: So it’s really about clarity and honesty.

Lynda: Exactly, yeah.

Kim: And for the person who’s listening to this who’s like, “Yeah, that’s all great, Kim and Lynda. But my husband is different, or my partner is different.” And we are speaking, right now in this case, this is who you work with is wives and husbands, not just partnerships.

Lynda: Yeah, for sure.

Kim: Whenever they see what we’re saying and it’s not possible for them yet, because they have never done it. So I know that you’ve had an experience in this. So how could you help them take that first step? What would that look like? Because were you afraid to have the conversation the first time and to open?

Lynda: It is, it’s super scary because, one, we married this person, we love this person so obviously we really, actually want to stay married to them. But having had this conversation in my own marriage, over the last five years we’ve both changed and things weren’t working for us.

So as apprehensive as I was to have the conversation, I had to be okay going into this conversation no matter what the result was. Whether it resulted in we make changes and the way our marriage functions changes, or he walks away from the relationship. I had to be okay with whichever outcome was the result.

Kim: Because then it leads to resentment.

Lynda: Exactly.

Kim: And self-isolation and dissatisfaction.

Lynda: Because if you keep doing the things to keep your partner happy so that they stay in a relationship with you, you’re doing the things that are keeping you unhappy. And then that leads to you resenting your spouse and that’s going to create a whole world of other problems between y’all.

Kim: So let’s talk about if they don’t have the conversation and they continue to do what’s unhappy. And they’re kind of like stifling it and they start to feel anger and resentment and dread. Then where would you suggest just starting with someone like that.

Lynda: Just getting clear on because sometimes you have this resentment because you are under that obligation mindset or mode, like I have to do this because I’m married to him. And I’m his wife, I have to cook dinner every night. I’m his wife, I have to make sure that kids are seen about.

Whatever the obligation is just getting clear on what it is that’s creating the unhappiness for you and what it would look like for you to have a happy life. What does the relationship you want look like? And getting clear on that because until you know what the relationship you want looks like, it’s hard to have the conversation of what needs to change.

Kim: Mm-hmm. It’s so interesting because we come into the relationship with the perception that we have, like the fairy tale, right? What we envisioned, even though we never saw it happen that way. But it’s so mind blowing whenever you actually step into the reality of it.

And it’s kind of like when you’re like I can’t wait to be a mommy. And then it’s like, it cries and it poops and it eats and it doesn’t sleep. And it’s like, what is this? What just happened? And you’re already committed and you can’t give up like I don’t want to be a parent anymore. So you just have to figure it out.

I’m wondering if we take that into relationships, like, oh, I said yes, so I can’t change my mind. So we just have to figure it out. And how many are actually in relationships that have not been working for years and now their health and their mental wellness is suffering because of it.

Lynda: Yeah, and you just have to put up with it or deal with it. I know in one of my previous marriages I would attempt to have conversations and I was always shut down with it’s not the TVs, it’s not the movies, you’re not going to get your white picket fence. And it’s like, okay, it doesn’t have to be a white picket fence. But can I have a little happiness in my relationship? Can I enjoy part of it?

Kim: So what about the family? Like the in-laws, the pressure to please others who are not living in the same house? How did you go beyond that?

Lynda: That one is so hard because you don’t only have your spouse to please. Like if you come from that mindset you don’t only have your spouse to please but you also want to keep in your in-law’s good graces and you want to keep your parents happy. So it’s like you don’t tell your parents your problems with your spouse because you don’t want your parents to hate your spouse. And then if your spouse shares with their parents, then the in-laws dislike you.

But that was one of the challenges that I had, was really understanding that the only people’s opinions about our relationships that matter are mine and my husband. So no matter the crap that’s talked about anybody in the family or from anybody in the family, outside of my husband and myself, we had to just kind of take that with a grain of salt and know that what we thought of each other is the only thing that matters. Because they’re not the ones doing the work to make the relationship work, me and my husband are.

Kim: What was the biggest surprise for you when you recognized that these old identities had moved into this relationship and that you guys were changing? I know you started doing a lot of this personal work that we’re doing in coaching. And when you began presenting as this new identity and you were afraid to have the conversations, what was the biggest surprise for you?

You know how I’m always saying I’m willing to be surprised at what life can gift me with that’s beyond my mind’s imagination? What was it for you?

Lynda: So there was a couple things. So when I first started doing all the work and it was I was seeing how I was bringing the junk and the garbage from my past into this current relationship and I was making the connections. It’s like I wanted the praise and for him to be like, “Oh, well, yeah, awesome. And I can see that.” But it was more of, “Well, yeah, you should have gotten over that a long time.” So there was a little bit of disappointment there.

But being able to, I think, my most recent experience is probably the most amazing thing to me because I’ve grown into this new person, I’ve become this new person. And I’ve been wanting to drag my husband along the whole way. And then just we got to this crossroads and we had to have one of those hard conversations. Where at the end of it I didn’t know if he was going to be like, “Okay, I’m done. This isn’t the relationship for me anymore.”

And we both agreed, and that was hard, because I went into it knowing that the relationship wasn’t working for us as it was functioning at the time. And to hear him agree was like crushing, but a relief. Because that meant we were both on the same page to make a change or walk away. And then we left the conversation and that was it.

Then to hear him come back and to see the shift in him was like, holy crap, this works. All I have to do is focus on getting my own crap right. Focus on handling myself and then the rest falls into place how it’s supposed to.

That was like the biggest thing for me because I always wanted to like control, okay, I got to control his reaction and his response and make sure he’s happy. There was always this need to control the outcome of the relationship. I’ve got to make him see it so that it works. I got to make him understand so that it works.

But just knowing if I just show up as myself, if I just present as myself, if I just be honest with what I need and want and trust that it’s going to work out. Whether it be he comes on board, or he walks away, it’s going to be okay either way.

Kim: It sounds so scary yet it’s either live a dishonest relationship and a dishonest life or be the person that you truly are and allow whatever to happen happens.

Lynda: Exactly.

Kim: So you have a program coming up that you’ve been talking about, I’ve seen on your social media stuff, that is basically to help someone come from a strained relationship and move into a closer, healthier relationship.

Lynda: Right.

Kim: So do you have anything to share with the audience today or takeaways today of things that you’ll be discussing in there? Like what is the problem that they’re presenting? What is the problem that you’re solving?

Lynda: Right, so basically this is a six week course. And it’s for those of you that you were madly in love when you first got together and you feel like you’re not in the same relationship with your partner anymore. Things have changed. You’re constantly frustrated. The intimacy is gone. You don’t feel any kind of connection. It’s almost like you’re just going through the motions of life with a roommate versus a spouse.

And this is just going to give you some tools that are going to quickly get you some results as far as deeper connection with your spouse, gaining more intimacy with your spouse. And just give you a way to view your spouse differently that’s going to help you show up as your authentic self in the relationship and help that relationship grow.

Kim: Do you have any feedback or suggestions for the person who feels like they’re in it alone?

Lynda: Well, one, you’re not alone. I guarantee you there are so many people that probably sit back at the end of the night and be like, “I’m just not happy anymore.” Whatever unhappy looks like, there’s others out there feeling it and not satisfied in their relationship.

But you don’t have to stay in that. And even if you feel or think that your partner is not ready to make a change or that your partner is not ready to hear what you have to say, you can reach out and you can start just taking note of what you want in your relationship.

Reach out for a consultation with myself. There’s so many other people that can help you just kind of get a grasp or an idea of what it is you really need. Because sometimes as moms and wives we lose ourselves in being the mom and wife and we don’t know what we need. So just being able to take that first step of determining what we need.

Kim: So just kind of assessing their own desires.

Lynda: Right, that makes you happy? Who are you? Who are you without the kids and without the husband?

Kim: Yeah, that’s what I was going to say, they may have even disconnected from who that is. I remember this with having five kids at home. What do you mean what do I want?  I’m not part of the day.

Lynda: I remember when I was going through the work on myself with you, you would ask me well, who are you? I’m like, I don’t know. I’m a massage therapist, I’m a mom. I was giving myself all the labels, but I didn’t know who I was.

Kim: What was most frustrating about that with you? Because working with someone else who’s like, “Oh yeah, it’s easy. You just do this and do this.” And what were you thinking in your head? When you were like, “You don’t understand.”

Lynda: You don’t understand. Like you don’t understand.

Kim: It’s so different for me, right?

Lynda: Yeah, but it’s all the same. It all boils down to coming from that same place.

Kim: This is another story that I hear from young moms, is there’s no time. I don’t even know when I’ll be available. There is no time for me. Because they have this at home life or this work and then come home and fall into ballgames and stuff like that. So what do you suggest if they, I swear, like their life is not orchestrated any way and self-care is like taking a bath, that kind of thing?

Lynda: I was that mom so I definitely understand that. But I was coming from a place that I was last on my list of priorities. So of course there was no time for me because everything else got all the time.

But once you start to realize that your own life, your own happiness has value and worth, that you’re worth blocking out an hour of time for yourself. Like really blocking out an hour of time for yourself, or even two hours of time for yourself every week, it makes a world of difference. Just finding that self-worth or self-value to take care of your own needs.

Whether it be making sure you get up and go to the gym every day, or booking yourself a massage once a month, or just getting the kids to a sitter, someone else other than yourself so that you can have peace and quiet at home. Starting with the little things makes the difference. Because, one, you’re not used to giving yourself value enough to give yourself time.

Kim: I don’t even think that was a thought that that was a thing when it was me. I do remember coming to that point where I realized I have to get out of this house. I need to go to work, I need to get a job, I need to go to school, I need to do something. Like mentally I was going to explode or die.

It’s so easy to get entrapped in that cycle of always giving, giving, giving, giving, giving. And so I don’t think I was– And then this was back in the 80s so it wasn’t as talked about and as okay as it is now. So is this what you’re going to be taking them through in the six week course, on this little journey?

Lynda: The six week course is really going to be more about with the partner, like being able to view your partner differently. And I’ll just give you one little tidbit is like dropping the rule book. We have all these rules for our partner so that they have to follow these rules to keep us happy. So that’s one thing that we’re going to go over in the six week course.

But it’s really about changing the way we look at our relationships and how we function in them so that we’re not putting all the power into our partner on whether or not we’re happy in the relationship.

Kim: Got it. So if it is someone who’s struggling with this not even know who I am yet, then the best thing would be for them to reach out to you privately?

Lynda: Right.

Kim: Okay. And the course is they’re ready to start taking actions and see the relationship differently and actually create a new kind of relationship.

Lynda: The six week course is just one piece of the puzzle. And it’s definitely for the person who’s ready to start taking the action and change the way they view their spouse.

Kim: Okay. So is there a place that they can find you, reach out to you, where you’re sharing tidbits or things? Where’s the best place?

Lynda: Find me on Instagram, at lynda_richard_coaching, and I’m sure that link will be down here in the information, the description. And you’ll find the link for the course on my Instagram as well.

Kim: Okay, so that’s the best place for them to go check you out, see who you are, reach out to you, whether it’s through email, private message or just finding you on a thread. Is that what you’re saying, is you’re pretty
much just–

Lynda: I’m sorry, you can find me at www.lyndarichard.com. And there’s links to all of my social media there and a link to access a consultation on that website as well.

Kim: Okay, the last question I have for you, and then I’ll just ask if there’s anything you want to share that I didn’t ask you is when you found yourself in this position, which was kind of stuck and not sure where to go and didn’t know at the time that this work was available, or the resources. What did you need to hear that made the most difference? Whether it was for me or someone else, what was that tidbit of hope that it could be different? Do you remember what?

Lynda: What if it didn’t have to be this way? I thought there was something that had the change outside of me. Oh yeah, definitely, it had to be him. He had to change to make me happier. But thinking that it had to be outside of me, the change had to be where I lived, or who I was married to, or what my husband was doing.

And just hearing like, what if it didn’t have to be? What if nothing had to change? As far as the behavior or the city you lived in. I never thought about it. I never thought that everything around me could stay the same and I could still figure out how to be happy. So that was like the thing that just kind of opened my eyes to the possibilities of what was really available out there.

Kim: Yeah. Had you seen happy marriages or relationships? Did you have an example of it anywhere that you were like, “That’s what I want.”

Lynda: I don’t think I had really ever seen– I’ve seen marriages that lasted, but I don’t think I had seen many examples of the happy cohesive marriages where people just enjoyed each other.

Kim: Yeah, I’d have to say the same. I was looking for vibrancy and joy, not just hey, we’ve been together for 30 years and we never changed our mind and we never separated. And we went through the kids and now we’re retiring, and now we’re dying. That’s the example that I was seeing. And it’s like, that’s scary.

Lynda: Yeah, that’s not what I wanted. I wanted to come home, be excited to come home to my husband. I didn’t want to dread coming home to my husband.

Kim: Is there anything that I didn’t ask you that you would like to share?

Lynda: I guess I would just have to say even if you feel like at this point in time the only option is divorce, just give it a chance. The relationship reset would be the perfect thing for you to take a look into. It’s short, it’s only six weeks. But just give it a chance at taking a look at the relationship differently. And I’m more than happy to help you figure out how to do that.

Kim: Well thank you for coming on. I appreciate it. How many years have we been doing this work together? It’s been a while. Like you’ve completely changed everything in your world. Even your kids, like the relationship with the kids and everything that you’ve been through.

And I want to thank you for your vulnerability and just to continue to show up when it was as tough as it was. You had a lot of obstacles against you and it’s inspired me. And that’s really why I wanted you to come on because I know there are other people out there who don’t believe that change is possible.

Lynda: It’s really been an amazing journey and I’m so glad I’ve been able to go through it with you so closely by me throughout this journey. And it’s just been amazing. It’s been an amazing transformation, not only for myself but for my entire family. I never thought that life could be this good for me.

Kim: It was easy, right? All right, we’ll end with that. Check out Linda, find her on Instagram. Sign up for the relationship reset and do it for yourself. Even if it’s not for the relationship, because you’re not necessarily I’m for she who leaves or she who stays.

Lynda: Right.

Kim: I’m for she who wants wholeness, and happiness, and joy, and vibrancy.

Lynda: Exactly.

Kim: Yeah, love that. All right, my friend, thank you.

Thanks for listening to this episode of More Than Mindset.