Ep #147: Releasing Control

Welcome to More Than Mindset, the only podcast that bridges the gap between spirituality and success. Go beyond the mind with clarity and confidence coach Kim Guillory and learn how to integrate your passion to serve with your skills and experience to create a business you love. Let’s get started.

Hey, and welcome back to the show. So I am talking about releasing control, the need to know, attachments, and all of these things that have us holding on so tightly. I have worked through this personally, myself, for the last couple of weeks. And it’s been a really big deal. And I shouldn’t even say the last couple of weeks, this is something that we are consistently working on.

The need to know, the need to feel secure, the need to belong and to feel safe. If you are human, you have a brain, you have a body, this is a need. This is a desire or a demand. We need to feel safe. And because I’ve been personally working through this, I am going to explain to you what it’s been like. So that if any of you are experiencing this yourself, you will have some tools to help you or to guide you. Or maybe just an example of the possibility of it.

So what I have been sensing or understanding, and guys, I’m talking about like just grief in general, or just letting go of what was. And it doesn’t mean that it is a person, or a thing, or a place. This is like an attachment to the sense of safety. And because it feels so real, it’s actually an illusion that there is any safety or any knowing, or that we actually are sure about anything. We do not know.

We don’t know what’s going to happen after this. We don’t know what’s going to happen tomorrow. We don’t know what’s going to happen at any time at any place. But the mind needs to know in order to feel safe. And that’s why we create this illusion of safety.

And then what I noticed is, we do it with people, we do it with careers, we do it with friends, just relationships in general. We also do it with things that we imagine, things that we create, things that we want to hold on because we believe that it’s a part of the future. For me specifically, it’s like this vision or this potential of how I believe or have a sense of what could be. Like how we could be as a species, how we could behave, how we could get along, how we could collaborate.

And so this vision, this illusion, I have gotten really attached to. And my mind makes up a story of what that’s supposed to look like. And then it goes out to try to do it, try to catch it, try to fetch it, and hold it still and don’t go anywhere. And what I noticed and what I want to share with you is we do this with even our health.

So like so much uncertainty these last couple of years. And right now there’s a new variant that’s out, so it’s another like hold down, like so strap in. Let’s find out how we can be safest, how can we can protect ourselves. So notice how we do anything. How we do everything, we do anything. So because this is coming up again, it is in your neurology. It is in your nervous system, it is the memories in your body about being unsafe.

So when we have this understanding in our system and we feel the sensation, the mind makes up a story about it. And then we kind of go batshit crazy. We go try to control everything and bring the marbles into the circle.

And I think it’s an important time to have this conversation right now because I have talked to several clients who are having issues with not being vaccinated and going to the family for the holidays and that becoming a big deal. So we’re seeing relationships tear apart and it’s something I personally experience with this need to control, or this need to know, even in my business. It’s in every part of my life to be honest with you. And I’m going to get into why it is so important and why I want to talk about it.

What happens is whenever the mind makes up a story and it paints this picture and it comes up with this illusion, this creation, this I’ll just hold this little wubby, this little ball of what we think it should be like. And this could be the perfect marriage. It could be having four healthy kids. Whatever it is that you’ve imagined. 

For me, it’s like I’m saying, the collaboration and the potential for humanity and us all being individuals and being free to express exactly who we are without apology. And to have this unconditional love, I’ll say, or unconditional acceptance. And it’s kind of a far fetch, right? Wouldn’t you agree?

So what I’m noticing is happening, especially with this new variant coming out and all of this iffiness and the things going on with the holidays, the heightened state of anxiety that’s going on. And because we don’t all have this solid foundation of boundaries that’s implemented, or because we’re not really clear in our relationships, that it begins to play havoc. And then our system gets activated.

And then our mind goes to work and starts creating all these signs and our brain is like, “Danger, danger, danger, danger.” And our eyes begin to dilate. And our heart begins to beat. And you can feel those sensations in your body.

And so I want to show you a way to reduce that, or it might not even be to eliminate it, or it could be temporary eliminating it, or it could be permanent eliminating. We don’t know because we’re all different. And there’s always new circumstances coming into our life. And if this memory, this imprint is still in the body, then it’s going to be reactivated and it’s going to heighten it again. And that’s why the story feels true.

So I’m going to give you a little exercise to do if you want to just kind of hang with me here. So first, just get really present and just ground. And I want you to notice, feel your feet on the floor. If you’re sitting, feel your seat on the chair. You can close the eyes or you can keep them open. But I want you to get really still and really quiet and actually feel the sensations that are bubbling up.

So you can bring to mind whatever it is for you. What is your greatest fear that you’ve created this story, this illusion of security and safety around in order to protect you from this happening? Is it your marriage? Is it something with your children? Is it something with your health or with your business or with your bank account?

What is that one thing that you are terrified, but it often pops into your mind? I could name all of the above because I have five children, I have 12 grandbabies and these thoughts cross my mind all the time. Every time I hear a siren behind me, which is often because I live on a highway, my body responds to that siren.

I’m not even going to paint the story for you, but I’m going to tell you it’s really real. And you can come up with your own scenario of the worst case scenario of getting that call, or finding out that it was an accident, that it was someone that you loved, or whatever it is. Bring it up, let it come forward.

If it’s you holding on to that relationship, knowing that it’s not working, but you’ve made this agreement, there’s this written contract, or there’s this verbal agreement and the fear is my family will be separated. I’ll never find someone else. I won’t be able to afford to pay my bills. I’ll lose everything I have.

Allow all of that to come up, whatever it is for you. If I’m honest, if I mention what’s really going on, I’m going to lose this person or I’m going to lose this position. And then feel that, notice what happens whenever the mind starts to create these stories of potential of danger and disaster.

Now that we’ve kind of activated it and brought it up, I want you to really, really, really, really bring it all on board. Is it in the heart? Is it in your belly? Is it in your throat? Where is it in the body? Where do you feel it as we talk about it, as you begin to imagine it? Can you paint the picture?

And this is almost where thoughts feel like things, right? Because we can kind of say thoughts become things, but in this case we’re bringing up the worst case scenario. I’m going to be alone. Everyone’s going to hate me. They’re all going to be mad at me. If they find out like no one will ever talk to me again. Bring all of that up.

We all have it. It is a fear. It’s a fear of being alone. It’s a fear of being rejected. It’s a fear of being abandoned. Is it tingly? Is it pounding? Is it hot? Is it hard to breathe? Just begin to describe what is it. What is it that you’re sensing? What is it that you’re feeling? Stay with me.

And you can come back to this if you’re not experiencing anything right now. But let’s say that you do experience some intense anxiety later, you can come back to this episode. Bring it up, exaggerate it, it’ll be realer. Like begin to paint the picture of that fear, that worst case scenario. Let’s go all the way into it.

I’m so afraid to be alone. I’m so afraid they’ll dislike me. They’ll cancel me. They’ll never speak to me again. I’ll be cut away from the family forever. All of that, let it come up. I won’t have the money. I won’t be able to afford to take care of myself. My health is whatever it is for now. Bring it all on board paint the entire picture, let it come all the way in.

Guys, if we can come here and just stay here for a couple of minutes, and then begin to be exposed to it in a safe setting, then we’ll begin to move through it and it will lose its power. So what is happening now? Is it getting worse? Is it getting better? Are you getting annoyed? Frustrated? Wanting it to go away? This is crazy, why would I take myself? This is negative. I don’t want to do this.

Notice what’s coming up. Because this is the mind, the mind is always going to tell you a story. Now I want you to take a deep breath all the way down to your toes and drop your shoulders. Check in. I’m going to offer you to do some tapping. So it could be simple, just tapping on the clavicle. Right there, that’s accessible to everyone.

Just tapping right here. Very light and gentle. Taking a few breaths letting the sensations come up. You may begin to feel lightheaded, you might feel a little dizzy or a little off, you might be a little freaked out. Stay anyway.

Continue to breathe. Feel the sensations rising. On a scale of one to 10, what number is it? Is it a two? Is it eight? Is it a 12? Like on a scale of one to 10, how bad is it right now in this moment? And then you can come to the side of your hand. We’re just going to do some just generic tapping. Just coming to the side of your hand and just noticing, and just feeling, and just sensing, just allowing.

I feel really nervous right now. I’m really afraid. I’m scared that I’m going to lose everything and everyone. I’m going to be left alone. I’m not going to be able to take care of myself. And everyone is going to leave me. They all hate me. I’m so bad. It was so wrong. I just can’t get it right.

Like all of the things that you’re thinking, all of the fears, allow them to come up. Do not be afraid of them and say them out loud so you can hear yourself so that you can validate your experience and not wrong yourself or try to change it. Stay and breath. Yeah, but this will happen. And then this will happen. And then again I’ll be left alone. And I’ll be isolated and I’ll be abandoned.

And let it continue to move. Check in and notice what number is it now? Where is the sensation? Can you describe it? Breath in back into the toes. Dropping the awareness down into the body. Coming up from here through the top of the head, all the way. Come through the chin, through the throat, to the chest, all the way down.

And as you pull your hands down in front of you, notice how you can bring it down into your body. Bring in more awareness and more presence. Maybe feeling this in the lower part of the body. You could wiggle. You can breathe. You can shake. You can make circles with the wrists. The hands, the ankles and the feet, just kind of making some movement in the body and allow this to move through you.

If you think about an animal that’s really frightened, like if a dog gets really scared, say there’s like an opossum coming at it, what does it do? The hair stands up, even dogs, cats, right? Their hair stands up and then they go off and they shake. That’s what we’re doing right now.

So we took ourselves to being frightened. Hair standing up, pulsating. Drop into the body and become present. And then shake it out. Shake it out. And notice how it begins to reduce the intensity, it’s not so high, right?

And for some of you maybe it’s higher, and you can just stay here. And again, just notice what am I afraid of? I am afraid because this is what I believe will happen. This is what is true to me in this moment. And don’t try to deny it. Allow it to be there, so that they can bubble up so that you can move it through.

So we have to see it, in order to lift it. And then we can shift and re-frame it. So that’s the actual process that I’m taking you through today is noticing how thoughts become things even in the physical body.

So when you think something terrible is going to happen, and then the sensation rises up, that becomes evidence that it’s true, that it’s real. Because to be honest, it’s real for you in this moment and that is a big deal.

And the same way that you can bring up this imaginary scenario and you can make it feel real, you can make thoughts become things. You can also do this to come out of it and to raise up. Raise up your mood, raise up your feelings, raise up your vibration the same exact way we just activated them and turned them on.

So this is a way, I call it exposure therapy. So you’re basically taking yourself to the situation, and you’re noticing your body, your neurology, your psychology, you’re noticing how all of that comes together and creates this kind of chaotic mess. And when that happens, we don’t have access to the frontal cortex to make rational decisions and so we react.

So if you can take yourself through this process on purpose and actually shift through it, then you will have attained the skills, the tools in order to be able to emotionally stabilize. To regulate in order to put yourself in a position of control, if there were a such thing.

So the same way that you can activate and you can turn on and you can elevate is the same way that you can reduce and turn on something else. And then those thoughts become things.

So I hope this was helpful for those who are struggling with anxiety, with tension, and stress, and worry, and fear, and separation, and loneliness, and all of the scary things that are happening in life. Because this is actually a process that I’ve taken myself through several times over the years. But in the last, I would say the last month, I really started to notice some behavior that I wanted to shift.

And the behavior is control and manipulation. And I don’t mean manipulation in a way of bullying, I mean manipulation in a very innocent way of if this would happen this way, then I will have arrived, then this will work out. So notice how you do that in relationships.

Notice how you may do it in career, in your marriage, with your children, whatever it is. We are always negotiating. If this wouldn’t happen, then I will be, right? Or if this would happen, then I would be. We’re always negotiating. But what we don’t practice enough is stabilizing, is coming back to presence. And then you will realize that it is all an illusion that we are creating.

So we literally create problems that we seek the solutions for. We create the chaotic sensation in the body and then we desperately seek the modality that will change it, or fix it, or eliminate it. So we can do this on purpose. When you bring in mindset, emotional processing, with energy work, you can attain a new way of being or a new state of being in order to regulate, stabilize, and ground.

And when you can do that and you can drop back down into the body and you can begin to feel safe through your thoughts, through breathing, through tapping, and through listening to your own voice, then you will have these new tools that will take you through any situation, anything that life hands you. And then you will have evidence that it’s possible so that your mind can go back to that evidence, calm the brain down, come back into the body, come back into the here and now, into the experience.

And so now the illusion of unsafety, or the illusion of as if there is a safety in the knowing, if that that were even a thing, all of that, it can dissolve. And now you’re suddenly here. And from this point, you can step into trust.

And I say this, this share is in a really vulnerable and intimate way for me. I’m being very transparent that there are some things that there’s some distortion in boundaries that I have habitually created in my life, like many of us that there’s a fear that if we’re super clean, and if we’re super clear, and if we say what we mean and we have conversations that are uncomfortable, that that is not safe, that that is a problem.

And so then we don’t set up boundaries because we’re afraid that if we say no, they won’t like us. If we tell them how we really feel, they’ll be mad at us. And can you see how just me saying that instantly starts bringing up all of the fears and all of the insecurities?

And so that is the work that I want to offer you this week. Thank you for joining me. You can come back to this at any time and repeat it. I was hoping to deliver it in a way that it can be used time and time again.

First I’m just going to repeat what we did. First we got present, felt into the feet, or the seat. Really maybe even touching your hands on your thighs. And then we brought up the worst case scenario, the thing that’s unconsciously running in your mind anyway. They’re going to die, I’m going to be broke. No one likes me. I’m left out in the cold, my friends won’t invite me anywhere. Whatever the story is for you, you bring it up.

You can do this by journaling also, you can just write it out. So you bring it up. And then you begin to bring the sensations on and you’ll feel the body start to heat, you’ll feel the sensations start to stir up. And you’re just allowing this, it could be grief, it could be anger, it could be sadness. You just allow it to keep coming up and coming up and coming up. And you stay.

That’s the hardest part, that’s why I put it here, so you can come back and listen to it again. Because I stay with you for enough minutes, that it can actually start to calm down. And it’s kind of hard to do by ourselves. If you’re in a panic, you’re kind of freaking out. And so it’s like, “Ah, I got to get out of here.’ And we want to react and we want to avoid it.

But I want to invite you into the discomfort so that you can get better at it. And then you will be a master of your life. You will be able to control anything, always bring yourself back to stability, to safety through your own work, which is an invaluable gift.

I’m just going to end with this one little story. So this week I was adding the Peloton app to my TV and the internet wouldn’t connect. And so there was a message for me to go reset my router or my, I don’t know what. I consciously did this very unconsciously. And so I walked to the front of my office, I get a pen and I hit the reset button on my router. And guess what that does? It erases all of your settings. So I lost all access to the internet.

So I was kind of freaking out about that. And then I’m like, “I can figure this out for myself.” So I go on my phone and I’m Googling how to reset. So I hooked this router and I go and I put in the numbers that it tells me to put in in the internet and it brings up my router.

And so I’m trying to reset it myself. And then yeah, it gets so much better. I started getting all of these warnings like this invalid access and blinking, I could not get rid of all of the notifications. I couldn’t turn them off. I had no more access to Zoom.

Well, you can imagine the sensation in my body, right? I go to work tomorrow, I have all these calls, I have clients, I have to record a podcast. What am I going to do without the Internet? Guys, it was like real trauma. My entire system was lit up. I’m running to town because I have an appointment, I’m trying to come back. I’m tapping and I’m breathing and I’m like, “Oh my God, everything works out for me.” I’m telling all these stories, I’m saying it out loud.

And I get back and it’s even worse because now my computer at home is doing the same thing and now my cell phone is doing it. And I’m telling you I cannot get anywhere else. I can’t open any apps on my phone, I can’t get done. I am freaking out, I call the squad, my guys come to help me, thank you. And it’s like I’m trying to calm down because I see I have help, the IT guys are here, I’m good. Jarvis and Damon, they are my saving graces.

And my body is still shivering and all of this stuff is still happening as if like there were a real accident. Because let me tell you what was in my mind, all it was was a warning sign saying that where you are trying to go is invalid. That’s it, okay. But my mind, that stuff I’m telling you about right now, the way we can create something, this was not true, I created this by myself.

I envisioned these hackers because I went to the wrong site and that all of my stuff had been hacked, and had been withdrawn. And I literally took myself all the way there accidentally. And so that’s why I’m saying this work is really active right now, because this just happened.

And so I was able to reduce and bring it back down. And so I wanted to share the tools with you in case this is something that you needed. So when you catch yourself in a moment, maybe even making up the stories that are not even true because of the worst case scenario that you’ve imagined in your mind. And then those thoughts become things in your body, things in your life. And so it’s really important to bring yourself back down as quickly as possible.

Abraham Hicks, I think, says it’s 14 or 17 seconds. Like as soon as you start slipping down and going down and going into the darkness, you got to hurry up and come back up and come back up and come back up. So I just naturally will start tapping, I don’t even care where I’m tapping at. I just start finding a way, I start breathing. And then I start shaking and moving that emotion through me. It’s just re-trigger of old imprints and scars in the cellular system.

And so what happens is, as we have these incidents, some of it’s from childhood, some of it’s from adulthood, and then there’s an imprint on the nervous system. And so your neurology, your nervous system, the way that you think, the way you believe, the way that you paint the picture, all of that starts working together making this chaotic mess. And so if you know how to turn that on and make it happen, then guess what? We know how to turn it off and calm down.

All right, I hope you enjoy. By the way, all of my stuff is working and hooked up, and it did work out the best for me. Life is always on my side. Things are always working out for the best for me.

Thanks for listening to this episode of More Than Mindset.