Ep #117: Success Shame with Monique Derouen

More Than Mindset with Kim Guillory | Success Shame with Monique Derouen

More Than Mindset with Kim Guillory | Success Shame with Monique Derouen

When it comes to success, we typically find ourselves on both sides of the fence at some point in our lives. Often, there are people in our lives that are finding success in more immediate or meaningful ways than it seems like we are. We can decide to use those emotions as motivation for ourselves, or we can flesh it out as shame on the other person.

Today, I have Monique Derouen on the show to talk to you all about success shame and shaming. Monique is an integrative therapist who works with her clients to restructure neural pathways set up for pain and stress. She works to release chronic pain coming from reservoirs that we don’t even recognize.

In this episode, we talk about how success shame can influence our lives, relationships, and business practices. We want you to know how to recognize these feelings in yourself, allow yourself to feel them, and turn them into something positive in the end.

Join me in Self Healing Masters, a program to heal your health, wealth, and relationships. Enrollment gets you lifetime access to my integrated healing approach so you can finally live your life’s purpose and help others. I can’t wait to see you there!

What You’ll Learn from this Episode:

  • What success shame is.
  • How it is possible to be on both sides of the fence at some points.
  • Why it is essential to have honest conversations to honor both people.
  • How to deal with a misunderstanding.
  • Why you should get in alignment with yourself first before worrying about the people around you.

Listen to the Full Episode:

 

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Full Episode Transcript:

Welcome to More Than Mindset, the only podcast that bridges the gap between spirituality and success. Go beyond the mind with clarity and confidence Coach Kim Guillory and learn how to integrate your passion to serve with your skills and experience to create a business you love. Let’s get started.

Kim: Hey there, and welcome back to the show. Monique is here with me today and we are going to be talking about success shame and success shaming. Because they both exist and I’ve experienced being on both sides. And Monique has also, I believe, right?

Monique: Yeah.

Kim: Let me just let her introduce herself, and then we’ll get started.

Monique: Hi y’all. I am Monique Derouen. I am an integrative therapist, and the last several years of working with Kim specifically have put me into some different spaces and had to deal with some stories and some belief systems. And even my own judgment of people and their success, just kind of like you said, being on both sides of that.

So yes, I maybe once was the one that poked the bear and made fun until I was in the shoes. And then I could understand. And I can see that and I can see just the transition and how to be, you know, in that different level or getting up to that level or, you know, bursting through these different glass ceilings. You know, all of that stuff we talk about a lot of, Kim.

And I’ve experienced both sides, just like you have. And so, yeah, I just want to share how that feels to be on either side of it. And just, you know, talk to you about this.

Kim: Yeah, so I did a Clubhouse room last night on this and it was really fascinating. And it was interesting listening to other stories. You know, we even had some who came up on the stage and were talking about the shame of succeeding as compared to their siblings. Because they had been in an experience where it was very obvious that one was treated better than the other and then the guilt that came with that.

So what you just said about like, when we’re on the… First of all, let me talk about what success shame is and, you know, why I’m bringing this up. So it’s when we have attained something. And guys, this could be money as well as weight loss, right?

Because, Monique, that’s something for you right now. Like you’ve lost quite a bit of weight since you’ve been doing this work and so there’s comments even about that, like, “You don’t understand. Like little skinny self, like you would understand with your little size two.”

You know, those sorts of things. That is success shaming. And we don’t do it like to be mean or bad. It’s very unconscious, it’s very unintentional. And it’s habitual. We don’t realize that it’s offending someone else, right? Until it happens to us, you know, and then we’re like, “Oh, I can see where I’ve done that before.” You know, “Oh, it must be nice to build that house, to buy that house or to get that new car.” You know, whatever it is.

And as entrepreneurs we see it in the coaching business. Because you have, you know, attained a certain level of success, financial success, and, you know, just with your business and growing, and you’ve experienced it on both sides. Watching someone else do it and how it feels like crap. And then you being in the position of doing it and celebrating, it feels like crap.

You know, it’s like, there’s so many sides to this it’s really tricky.

Monique: Yeah. Yeah, and I agree. It is those both sides, you know, of yeah, when I was shaming other people, what was actually going on in me that was creating that discomfort to watch them grow or shift, or fearful that I would lose them as my people, you know, that tribal separation. We’ve talked about that a lot, too.

And so it’s like, “Am I envious? Am I jealous? Do I want to be like that?” Maybe there’s nothing wrong with that, you know, maybe a little envy is healthy if it’s a motivation to help me get to the next phase, you know. But am I using it against myself? You know, am I calling them out? Am I making fun because I’m uncomfortable with their success, with their growth, with their transitioning?

And for me 100% yes. Like I’m just going to own it. I’m tired of lying or hiding behind the stories. Like I’m ready to be raw and vulnerable with everything. Like sure, I was jealous, I was envious. And I didn’t know that it was available for me because no one had ever told me shoot for your dreams. You can actually accomplish things; you can create what you want.

No one had given me the foundation, the structure, the understanding for that, until we really dived into this work and I could see it was available, right? But I didn’t know what I didn’t know. And so yeah, I made some comments, I said some things. I put myself in discomfort because it was hard to watch other people change and grow and shift. And then I became the other person.

Kim: Yeah, I think that’s how we become compassionate and empathetic is by experiencing it for ourselves. You know, picking on someone for a certain thing and then you have a child and, you know, you start to.  It’s so painful. But we don’t know what we don’t know.

You know, it’s just so fascinating when you’re aware, you know, when you’re conscious. When you’re watching all of these things and how it’s played out over the years. And then, you know, what you were saying about the envy and jealousy.

I was so ashamed of the envy and jealousy I was feeling. And I wasn’t allowing myself to experience it, right? Because it’s coming from, I can do it too and so I’m so frustrated with myself. And so when I see someone else doing it, I’m triggered by, “Why can’t it happen for me? What’s wrong with me?” And then I feel ashamed for thinking that, and it kind of just get stuck.

And then I had the experience of allowing the shame, allowing the shadow allowing the darkness. And I was like, “Oh, this is interesting because when I allow it to come in, and kind of sit and dance with it my mind expands and opens.” Because I’m not in the resistance. But we have to first be aware that it’s happening.

And that’s what this episode is about. Is we just want to bring awareness without labeling, without judging, without comparing, without competing. Just allowing that emotion to be what it is. Allowing yourself to experience it on all levels. Like play with it, get a flashlight, investigate it.

You know, we’re doing the work with all this emotional processing work in Self Healing Masters. And this is part of it, is being willing to be in the fear, right? Because what happens when we succeed beyond our environment, beyond the tribe? We’re so afraid to be cut off, to be eliminated.

Monique: Yeah. And, you know, we’ve talked about this before too. That separation, that disconnect, that shunning separation, you know, it’s like the worst form of punishment for any human is to be cast out, to be separated. And so none of us want to experience that.

So what do we do? We stick with our old belief systems that keep us stuck. We people please, we bend over backwards, we become the martyrs, we do all the things. And we accommodate those around us so that we don’t feel uncomfortable with our growth and our transition.

Kim: And then we see someone else do it and then we start beating ourself up about it.

Monique: Yeah. And so like, am I willing to stay in this shit, think, feel cycle and keep tearing myself to shreds? Or am I going to own what I’m capable of doing?

And I’m sorry, I had a lot of siblings, I had to fight for my place. And I say that jokingly, but they know what I’m talking about, like, you know, so I want to own what’s mine. I want to know that I’m capable. And I want to step into that body suit and be her. And I’ll be damned if I’m going to tone that down for anybody now.

Like, I love my people. I support them, I honor them. I see them in such a different light on this side of the fence than I did on the other side in that judgment.

Kim: And I honor me.

Monique: Yes.

Kim: We can do both.

Monique: Yeah, it’s amazing. Like, it’s okay to be in this, for them to be in that. To have the confusion, to have the separation, and still love and honor who they are and who I am. And we don’t necessarily have to like each other every day of the week. But I do have that in my soul, respect for them in a different manner than I ever had before. Because I’m not doing things that are not in alignment for me.

Kim: You can see where the dissonance is of wanting more, wanting to live out your own potential. And then having that story about the separation that it’s going to create and the division, the being left out, or the being shunned you know, like we say, or others feeling that we think we’re better than.

That was such a painful part for me is being in the dissonance between the two. Being disappointed with myself for settling, for stifling, for not being, and how I was dying inside of myself. You know, and my body was sick. My body was so sick.

And yet the fear of stepping into that power, it felt like death, like I’m going to die. And my brain was just like, “There is no way, you’re not going to survive this. You’re going to die alone, no one’s ever going to talk to you again.” Like both sides were so powerful.

Monique: Yeah. And, you know, again, when we’re in those stories and in that belief system that they won’t love me if, or they’ll cut me off if, or I’ll die alone if, you know, then we bend ourselves to fit into these boxes. And this is where that pain body comes in.

And, you know, in my experience, it’s just like, “Okay, I’m not good enough to be on my own so I’ll be in this space. And I’ll just accept, I’ll just take it as it is. I’ll not complain, I’ll be a good girl, I’ll follow all the rules. And then there was this point where Monique was like, “Fuck that.”

Kim: Yeah.

Monique: But it had to get to that point for me to honor who I am authentically, and what is in alignment for me. And, you know Kim, we hear these stories about, you know, the tree grows, and the fruit falls, and the branches break, and sometimes we just have to let go of things. You know, all of those stories, all of that’s running in the background of everything that we do.

And for me, it’s like, “Yeah, what if the branch is too heavy? What if it’s pulling me down? What if the fruit that falls actually plants a new seed and a new tree comes up right next to me? And now I have this other group of people supporting me, right? And it doesn’t mean that the fruit that hit the ground isn’t worthy or valuable, or I don’t love it, but it’s like maybe it just wasn’t meant to be on my branch, you know?

And can I trust the process of life? And can I trust where we’re going? And that the seeds are being planted? And that the energy is coming in and out, and that the alignment is happening if I don’t go into those negative spaces? If I don’t start belittling myself or, you know what I’m saying? Like creating separation.

Kim: I love this. I often see this forest. And I had this story of trying to be a part of someone’s community. Like I just wanted to be a branch on their tree, or a leaf. Could I just be a leaf? Could I just be a part of what you’re doing? You know, and I could name at least four different containers that I tried doing that in, you know, with essential oils, with yoga, in coaching, in you know, some of my healing modalities. You know, all of these certifications that I’ve taken, I just wanted to be a part of that community that I was learning in.

I was like, I mean, like I was really good at this. Like I would like to serve, you know, be here and be with these people. And I want to take a part and like, part of the team kind of thing, you know, I want to help teach it or coach or whatever. And I couldn’t. I couldn’t find that place. I couldn’t get accepted. Like I was like, “Just let me be a flea under your wing, you know, just a part.”

And then I had the realization that there is no difference. Like so it’s a forest and there’s different types of trees. And that was like kind of okay. I was like, “Well, we’re just separate trees.” And then this past year I had the realization that there’s not a, how do you say that? A hierarchy like in the forest. So the branch, the leaf, the trunk, the root, one is not better than the other, right? And when I recognized the root system, consciousness was the thing that connected it and made it the forest.

And then I recognized that the fear of growing my own tree was like me being like better or good or whatever. But it was like, “I’ll just be on my own damn tree.” You know, that kind of thing. As if it were better than. And when I had the recognition that it was actually all coming from the roots, and the bark, the immune system of the tree, the leaves, the little branches, the new growth that comes out, all of it. It’s all just part, it’s like the different parts of us, right?

We have parts of us that are afraid, where parts of us that want to do something big, we have parts of us that were wounded. And when I was able to see it that way, everything changed, like my whole perception changed. And I was like, it’s okay to be the trunk. It doesn’t mean it’s better than it’s just the position I hold, because it’s that connection to the roots, to the consciousness of what I’m bringing in. So it still came back to the separation, right?

Monique: Yeah. I think if we could stop labeling, you know, I mean I don’t know how many times you’ve said this. And this is my famous line now that I’ve stolen from you and I share with all my clients and anywhere that I write anything. Judgment and comparison, you know.

It’s like man, when I really embodied that line, that statement, those freaking five words, right? Like, it’s like, oh my goodness, the things that I was able to open up and unravel and see in a different light. It totally changed things. And it’s like, if we are willing to stop labeling, judging, comparing.

Kim: Competing.

Monique: Yeah, if we’re willing to just be us. If we’re willing to show up raw and honest and feel the feelings, and have the conversations, and do the things, and be in alignment, life can be so simple.

Kim: Can you imagine us having the conversation of I’m really jealous and envious right now, and it feels terrible to think that way. And I love you and I celebrate you.

Monique: How awesome with those conversations be?

Kim: Well, it kind of leads us into another topic, which is, once you step into this work of, whether you want to call it awakeness or enlightenment, or just pure awareness. Or I think it’s bringing the unconscious to conscious, whatever you want to call it. Our people change, like our conversation changes.

And especially when you’re in business, it’s like it’s so exciting. We get dopamine hits all of the time. And then we find ourselves sitting at a restaurant or at a ballpark or at a wedding and it’s like, “Wah, wah, wah, wah, wah.” It’s so hard, you know, as we’re changing our circle.

Monique: This is interesting because it reminds me of, the last several years I’ve been a pretty calm hairdresser. I wasn’t a gossipy hairdresser. But, you know, I was a hairdresser for 23 years before I moved into this.

And so, in the salon, at the nail desk, they tell you all the secrets. You know everybody’s business, you know. And so the conversations get a little intense, they get a little interesting. There’s a lot of topics and judging and just cutting up, you know, in the hair salon.

And then I became a massage therapist and HIPAA laws, you know, I couldn’t tell my client sitting in the chair, “Hey, your friend so and so is coming to get a massage today.” Because that’s a that’s a boundary that we don’t really cross, right? And so I started being more cautious of that. I started being more factual with things.

Like instead of giving all the information out when people would ask questions I would kind of be a little more reserved. I’m a little more matter of fact when I speak, I want to not make assumptions. So I changed the way that I spoke. So instead of just going into the story, or creating the gossip, or talking, or doing the thing I chose not to engage.

And I’m sure for certain people that felt uncomfortable because they were used to me being the one that’s like, “Hey, what’s the word? Give me the news. Let’s talk smack, let’s be in the nonsense, let’s, let’s get a beer and talk trash about people.” Right? Like that’s so much fun, that’s what we do. And then I choose not to engage. And I feel like that might be uncomfortable.

I mean, I might be making assumptions. But I’ve heard a few little things here and there. And like I’m curious now if my shifting, you know, created these boundaries that were not talked about, that we’re not understood, you know. And then we make assumptions, and we create more dissonance.

And it just gets further and further if we don’t do just like you said, like, “Hey, I’m a little envious. Hey, I’m a little angry.” Hey, I’m feeling this way today and I just want you to hear me out.” And it’s not personal.

Kim: No, it’s just bringing up some shit in me.

Monique: Yeah, it just triggered me and I want to get it out. I want to talk about it, I want to release it, right? And if we could really honor each other in those spaces, how clean would these conversations be? How little confusion would actually happen? How many arguments and hurt feelings could be resolved or let go because they actually aren’t intentionally to hurt you? It’s just our perception.

Kim: Just habits, right?

Monique: Yeah.

Kim: Yeah, I’m thinking of when you are part of the conversation about other people, right? Because I think like friends talk to friends, not about. Like we talk to each other, not about each other.

Monique: Right.

Kim: And when you have that awareness and it suddenly doesn’t feel good anymore, it’s like when smoking doesn’t feel good anymore, you know, or eating trash food doesn’t feel good anymore. And you’re like, “Gosh, I mean, I’m tempted because it’s such a habit, it’s so comforting, you know, in the moment. But I really don’t like the way this makes me feel.” And when we make that change we have to go through that uncomfortable phase.

And I see this a lot with like, when the clients come in to do the work but their families not yet on board or their friends are not yet, they’re coming in for themselves. And they all express this same thing. When you choose not to talk about people or be in that, like don’t talk about anybody who’s not in the room with you.

And that’s kind of what happened with me is when my relationships changed and I really wanted deeper, more meaningful relationships. Not small talk, but I mean like deep connected. I was thinking about like, I don’t want to be in a room and when I get up and go to the restroom, they’re having a conversation about me. I want them to have the conversation with me.

Like if there’s something I’m not seeing, I can honor that if I know it. But I can’t if you’re discussing it while I’m in the restroom because then I don’t know it. But then you come back and it’s weird, you can tell what they’ve been talking about, right or you can see them look at each other a certain way.

I don’t want to partake in that, I don’t want to be participating in it and I don’t want to be the object of it. It’s so uncomfortable in the friendship when you don’t and it must be almost like a reflected guilt, or a projected guilt.

Monique: Yeah, possibly. I think this is the perfect space to use like the Four Agreements, you know? Like to just honor. I get what you’re saying, nobody wants to walk in the room and feel like the conversation ended because they were talking about them.

Unless you’re planning me a birthday surprise, or like buying me something cool don’t do that shit to me, right? Because I might call you out on it. Because I am that uncomfortable that my instinct will say, “What’s going on?”

Kim: I know, part of you can feel it.

Monique: That creates a whole different thing. And again, these assumptions, these taking it personally, these not being impeccable with our word, like all of that plays into that space for me. And so, again, this is why I love and honor those agreements, you know. Because if I can speak from that place, if I can honor that in myself and in other people it just feels very intentional for me. It feels very aligned for me.

Kim: If we could make sure everyone gets a copy of the Four Agreements like middle school, or teaching it, you know, the concepts of it, I think all relationships would change. Anytime someone says like, “What’s your book suggestion?” It is always top of the list. I love Untethered Soul, I love The Big Leap. But the Four Agreements is the book I have read, probably aside from Imitation of Christ, that I have read the most. I listen to it twice a year, it’s very short read. And it is the most powerful set of tools for relationship building, aside from Human Design.

You know, because in Human Design, it’s a holistic approach to self-discovery. So it’s when you can know yourself better, when you are not judging and comparing and competing, and you are doing your own work you’re reflecting and projecting that and it opens up so much space for better relationships, better conversation. You know, to be able to communicate more clearly and be okay with the discomfort. Because the discomfort is worth the intimacy.

Monique: And, you know, in Human Design, like honoring my quirks, honoring my design, honoring the unconscious and the conscious part of me that does the things. You know, and just being okay that this is who I am and this is what I represent and this is what I love. And you don’t have to love it. And I don’t not like you because you don’t love it. Like it really is all okay to just be who we are.

And yeah, I love that idea of just honest, open communication. Asking the questions, that’s something really that you and I have worked on for me specifically because my mind will create a whole story about what’s happening and I’m like, “Wait, what? What’s happening?” Or I get confused.

And so instead of hiding that or saying it’s not safe for me to ask the question, or I feel dumb, I will start to say, “Say that in a different way. Ask me again in another manner. Explain that from a different perspective.” So that I can really connect with the person that I’m talking to.

And that is so much deeper and richer for me, and it’s so much more meaningful and it feels fulfilling and satisfied when we’re done with the conversation, versus me hanging up the phone going, “What the hell did I just hear? What did I just make up in my head? Why do they hate me?” Like whatever story I create, you know, and that’s our human conditioning.

Kim: Yeah, and I definitely want to credit you for that because you have reached out and, you know, even some little simple, small little things that were just misunderstandings.

But it has made our relationship so much deeper in our conversations that like I was able to reach out to you this week and say, “Hey listen, this is going on. So it’s probably going to bring up some stuff that I’m just letting you know ahead of time.” And so it’s opened up that opportunity to be able to even talk about it even before it happens now that we are aware of it happening.

Especially when we’re doing this deeper work, guys, there’s so many triggers. And for Monique and I, she’s a 5/1, I’m a 6/2, we are aware that there is a language barrier between the two. Her being the leader, me being the role model. Me being the visionary, and yet her being the practical researcher.

You know, it’s like we are aware of those dynamics, and we play on them. We use them, you know, in a way to collaborate in work, in business, in friendship. And it seems like it just gets richer and richer and more and more open. You know, that we’re able to know each other on that deeper level and expand and open what we can do together in the world with our strengths, and knowing what our challenges are.

Monique: And then, you know, again, just having that open communication and that trust, that honesty, to be able to say like, “Hey, I don’t like this.” Or “Hey, this doesn’t feel right for me.” Or to hash it out or to just acknowledge, you know, when things are triggered in myself, this is the opportunity for me to heal that. Because it’s not Kim triggering me, it’s the story inside of me that’s being sparked open again by something that reminds me of that pain of that story.

So, you know, it’s not taking these conversations personally and having that open honesty, again, it’s that place for all that to heal. And that wound to get sealed up so nicely, like it’s not being ripped open every day that I hear a certain phrase or a word.

Kim: An ointment for the wound, you know, it’s so beautiful.

Monique: Just honesty.

Kim: Yeah. Two things that I want to bring up and then we’re going to close this out. One is, I just wanted to talk about this success shame again.

And at retreat, the retreat we just attended we called it the hot potato, the ability to receive. And especially like, there was three of you together, the 5/1s together, and there was this like hot potato thing going on. But it was all around us. It was everyone in the room having a hard time claiming their own power because that power was scary.

And that success brought up what people are going to think about me. And that is the success shame. What people are going to think about me when I’m charging for this, when I’m making this much money, when I’m scaling, when I change the way I even like work in my container.

What would you like to share about that with the experience? Because you were there and you were, you know, you were a big part of it. And you and I have done a lot of work because I remember you sitting on your porch, and it was when you first really settled into your new place in Colorado and everything was going well. And you had moved away from, you know, being in anyone else’s office. You were just kind of living it in that moment. And something came up for you. And so it reminded me of a retreat.

Monique: Yeah, like I couldn’t even receive that we actually were in the property. I couldn’t even accept that I had done all of this work, and put in all of this effort, and aligned my thoughts and actions. That’s my key right there. You know, that’s my thing to create. Like that I had created this environment. And it was like it was so unbelievable my nervous system hadn’t caught up yet.

It was like I’m standing on the porch, we had been there for days or weeks at that point in time. And it was just like, I can exhale. Like all of a sudden, I was like I can breathe. It’s not just some story that I made up in my mind, like we’re actually here. And I remember talking to you about this and you were like, “Feel this viscerally.”

And again, it was one of those moments where like my whole body just kind of shivered, and I was like, “Oh, it’s safe to be here. It’s safe to be in the home that I love, that I dreamed of, that we worked hard for. That we lived in a camper for three years to find, right?

There’s a lot of stuff that went on in the background of this story that the public doesn’t know, right? It wasn’t just going to Colorado and finding a house. There was a vision, there was a commitment and we were not willing to buy anything that was not in total alignment with our vision.

And so we waited and we waited, and we just kept putting out in the universe like, it will come to us, it will come to us. And when it comes to us, we will build it. And when we build it, they will come.

You know, and it’s like that kind of like cheesy vision, but it was like I was in the experience of it and I couldn’t even hold it. It was so hot, just like the hot potato, like it was so fast. But it had been years building up to that, you know, and it’s like, “Oh, my dreams just happened.” And it’s like, you can’t absorb that.

Kim: Yeah. And I feel it’s important to just tell the audience what we’re doing with the emotional processing. It’s the healing of the nervous system. So then the system has been trained to be in that detriment, to be in that struggle. And so it’s not just mindset, like it’s not, it’s more than mindset. It’s not just changing and working on your thoughts and your attitude, or your negativity, or positivity, it’s not just about that. There’s actually a whole system involved. There’s actually several systems involved.

And so just changing the thought is not going to do it because the system has already memorized this pattern. And so what we’re doing, the integrative healing that we talk about in particular, the process that we’re trained in is the actual rewriting of the nervous system. And there’s layers to get to that.

So thank you for sharing that. Because it does, it feels like it’s like I can feel, like it feels like electricity going through my body when I’m shifting my belief, that’s the depth of the work. It’s not change your thoughts, it’s changing your belief and then aligning your system to the new belief, so that you can contain what just happened. So that you can stay in it and stay with it.

And I think this is why, you and I both say this all the time, it’s like we can’t really tell you how to do it, we have to take you through it. It is an experiential process and, you know, it’s so much deeper than being beat on the head about changing our thoughts. So thank you.

Monique: Yeah. Well it’s a perfect concept, change your thoughts. But if you don’t believe it, it doesn’t matter.

Kim: Well if your system is not on board, it’s like your body is separated in different dimensions, you know, time and space.

So what’s your thoughts about, with your clients, with yourself, your own life, your children, all of you, because we are standing in the gap. Like we’re standing in the generation gap so it involves many people. Is that what you’re experiencing? How would you say that?

Monique: Yeah, so it’s like, can we receive? Are we worthy? Right? And so if you look at the belief systems, you know, those systems we just talked about.

When you look at the generational patterns, the programming, the ancestral stuff, right? Like, if you were taught and it was programmed in your tissue that success is evil, or money is bad, or you know, with religion, we get into certain things, with school we get into certain things, with certain environments there have just been stories that we’re told. And as children when we’re absorbing all of this information and it creates this belief, this story in us.

And then we go out into the world and something really happens. Maybe we’re adults, right, and something happens, and it mirrors that story. This is that emotional signature that hits us. And that discomfort keeps me behind the fence, I can’t go over it because I’m not willing to be on the other side to get made fun of. I’m not willing to be the crazy person that says, “Hey, you can do this. Hey, you can heal your life. Hey, you can release chronic pain.”

Like it took me so long to say these words because I know I was on the other side of that for so long and I didn’t believe it and it hurt to watch other people do it. And the struggle, it’s so uncomfortable.

And so the thought of putting other people in that position or calling myself out, or being shamed publicly or, I mean, how many people have made fun of me on Facebook or social media, or argued with me? I got a family that unfriended me, you know, and it’s okay because –

Kim: It doesn’t feel okay sometimes though. I wish we could say we didn’t care, right? But we do care.

Monique: Right, no, I do care. I do care because I love my people. But I understand the discomfort of what I said for them was painful, you know? But I also have to look at the other hundred or thousand people that read it that it caused would help, it could benefit.

And so I’m just not willing to shrink myself down and hide my truth and not verbalize what I’ve learned and share with the world because I am a 5/1, I am a teacher, I am a creator, that is my job here and so I’m going to honor that. And it may be uncomfortable some days, but I’m okay being in that experience. I’ve decided to just take that on, you know?

Because I have these tools to go back to when I feel really confused or really shooken up, or the storm has taken me under. Like I have opportunity to reach out and clean that up and heal in myself. Because every time I take a next step, all of these people come with me. And I didn’t see that. I just saw what I was losing and what was falling off. I didn’t see how many people were like, “We’re taking that step with you.” And how many people were behind the scenes watching and getting healing and getting help.

And so, for me, it’s like, I will not be shameful of my success. I will not be shameful of what I’ve figured out and what I’ve learned because I went through hell to get here. And I’m fine with that, I’ll own it. I’m proud of where I am. I’m proud of how far I came. And I’m smiling when I say it because I truly feel that.

Kim: It’s like cheating on your story or cheating on your success.

Monique: Yeah.

Kim: It’s like I think that’s the dissonance. It’s like, wait, no, these are my beliefs, this is what my family or my heritage, or you know, whatever the tribe is like, this is the thing that I’ve always known. This is the conditioning. I don’t want to cheat on that, because that’s uncomfortable. But all this time, we’re cheating on the success. We’re cheating on who we truly are.

Monique: On ourselves, yeah.

Kim: Yeah, so good. Like the story, you know, these people, those rich people, those people like that plays such a big part in it like we suddenly become the bad people, you know, the way that this story goes.

Anyway, this was fabulous. Thank you so much for coming on. I was going to do this by myself and I texted Monique, I was like, “Are you done for the day? Can you chat?” I kind of snuck her into it. And she was like, “Yeah, I’m just finishing up.” I was like, “Well, it’s maybe a little bit more than a chat.”

So I’ve been doing Clubhouse for a while and I liked the interaction. So doing these by myself, it’s just not a satisfying. So kind of reflect it back and forth because I think it makes more sense to the audience who find themselves in these positions and can actually see the potentiality that’s inside of all of us.

It’s not just me sitting here on a microphone, just saying, “Yeah, you can do it rah, rah, rah.” Like we’re kind of tired of hearing that, right? We’re kind of tired of absorbing more stuff, more information, you know, and we want to invite you to implementation. Like are you ready to start doing this work?

This is what we’re doing in Self Healing Masters. We have challenges. This month we’re doing a 28-day challenge of changing habits, you know, and there’s support, and we have daily challenges and a journal and we do our morning jam and all that fun stuff.

Is there anything that I didn’t ask you or that you’re dying to share before we disconnect?

Monique: You know, just really getting into alignment with yourself and honoring yourself. And, you know, maybe just begin with journaling. What do I want? You know, that desire more, desire less in the front of the Punch Line is one of my favorite exercises.

And it’s just to draw a picture for myself, like, “What do I want? What do I need? What would feel good to me?” And go all out, imagine whatever you want. And then you can clean it up. You can dial it in, you can make it more or less. But it’s giving yourself permission to daydream, to visualize, to “What would it be like if…” You know?

And just playing in that, that curiosity, that childlike fun, you know, that I’ve been able to put back into my life has been such a joy and so much excitement for me to just go, “I’m curious how this would feel. I wonder what that would be like.” Right? And then like, not judging myself for thinking it or feeling it or wanting to play in it. You know, like just dabble, see what happens. Give yourself permission to explore, to explore yourself.

Kim: So before we close just give a little bit of shout out for yourself and what you do. And we’ll link your information down below for anybody who wants to contact you.

Monique: Yeah, so I am an integrative therapist. I’ve been trained by Kim and I’ve been working with her pretty closely for the last several years now. And so what I do is I teach people to rewire neural pathways to release these chronic pains, these confusions in the body, these stories that have kept them trapped, you know, and has created illness manifested in their body, or discomfort, or TMS.

And so I work closely one on one with people and teach them how to release these things and embody the new way. And just like you said, this is an experiential process, it is not something you can describe in paper. It’s not something we can give you an outline and say, “Go 1, 2, 3.” It’s something that in the moment when things happen, we drop into presence, we reconnect with our body, we unpack the story, we go through this specific route to create that visceral experience so that the new neural pathway is created and you can move forward with ease in that space.

And so it’s basically like anything that doesn’t serve you, you can release it, you can get rid of it. You can change your physical body; you can change your relationships by looking at your belief systems and how it affects you.

Kim: Yeah, anyone who wants to hear Monique’s story, we’ve done several episodes. We can maybe link them, but I’m not sure, do you know the podcast episodes that you’re in?

Monique: Me and you are massage, number 66, 104, and 106 we did maybe with Kayla or Kelly, one of them.

Kim: What we’re trying to say, we’ve told it, yeah, we’ve told it several times. And we also tell it pretty often in the More Than Mindset Facebook page.

Monique: Oh, yeah.

Kim: We Show up a lot in there. So thank you for hopping on with me.

Monique: Yeah, of course.

Kim: All right guys, so that’s what I have for you this week.

Monique: If you guys have any questions, yeah, ask in the group or whatever. Just get ahold of us and investigate.

Kim: Or reach out and get on a consult. Get this stuff cleaned up guys. Wellness is the way. All right, bye.

Thanks for listening to this episode of More Than Mindset.

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