Ep #161: The Cost of Attachments

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Hello, and welcome back to the More Than Mindset show. Today I am talking about attachment, or actually what are the issues of being attached? And what is it costing you? What’s the price of attachments? So I’m going to just talk a little bit about what I have experienced and what my clients have experienced, and then give you some takeaways of how you can make the changes in your life today. So here we go.

Here’s the thing that I’ve seen more than anything else, we are so attached to what was, to what has been, to what people say, to where we live, to like tribal agreements, to things that we believe to be true, especially early on in our childhood or our young adult life. So the problem with that is you want something different. You want to evolve, you want to grow, you want to expand, you want to experience something new.

Maybe it’s success in your business, maybe it’s a healthier relationship, or maybe it’s just more money, stop living paycheck to paycheck or working dollar for hour. Maybe now you see that this is not sustainable. This is not going to take you through the rest of your life, the way that we have done things is different now.

The world has changed. Can we all agree? The world has changed. It’s been changing. But these last couple of years it’s changed, like hugely changed. I don’t think, and this is my thinking, this is my own beliefs, my own understanding is I don’t think we can go back to what used to be the norm. The changes that have taken place, some of those are irreversible, right?

We’ve seen what can happen during a shutdown. We see what can happen when the world becomes afraid. We see what can happen whenever relationships start to shift. And you can’t go back to what was because you can’t unsee what you now know. So that’s the problem with attachment, is you try to take the past, or what is even today, into the future. And you can’t become the future version of yourself if you’re holding on to the past version.

So the things that you believed about Santa Claus, for instance, or about the tooth fairy, if you were still attached to that, you wouldn’t have evolved and grown in the reality of this world, right? You wouldn’t be able to see it differently.

So this is the problem that I see with so many of my clients, is when you’re attached to your childhood friends, or certain people in your family, or certain relationships in business and you’re not willing to evolve and to grow away from that relationship. And the relationship is like keeping you pinned in this certain dynamic, then you’re not going to be able to stretch yourself. And so that becomes a cost, that becomes a problem.

And if you can’t identify that, if you don’t know it, then you just keep repeating the past and you stay in the same cycle. And for those of you who have been following for a while, you know I’m all about breaking generational patterns and cycles that have held us back with religious dogma, environmental messaging, societal conditioning.

The things that you have been told, that you currently don’t believe are true, but you’re afraid to take a stand for what you now know because the detachment is actually what you’re afraid of. You’re resisting how someone’s going to respond, how someone’s going to behave, what are they going to say about me? What is this going to mean?

And then what’s happening is we have this dynamic going on within us, right? So the brain is always going to try to protect you, and for good reason. We want our brain to protect us. We want to be safe, we want to stay alive. We want to keep humanity growing, right? And so the brain is doing its job.

But your mind is coming up with all kinds of stories. And then the nervous system, you’re in neurology, the emotions are all stirred up. And then the mind is trying to make sense of the emotions and it’s painting these scary pictures of how bad it’s going to be. And no one’s ever going to talk to you again, and they’re going to laugh at you, and they’re going to ridicule you, you know, whatever the old dynamic is of what you’ve always been deathly afraid. For most of us it’s shame.

And so we are afraid to detach from what we previously were, or what we previously believed, or the people we previously hung around with because we’re afraid we’re going to experience shame, and rejection, and abandonment, and we’re going to be separated. We’re afraid to do it alone, right? We’re afraid we’re going to be by yourself.

And that’s fine. We’re all afraid of that. But if we can demystify that fear, that shame, and really understand the human experience, then we won’t let that hold us back. So what I see more than anything else, like I’ve said already, it’s the attachment to certain people, places, things, beliefs. And here’s the problem, the mind can only hold on to one belief, one thing.

So you have this happening on this side. And then you have this vision, you have this mission, you have this dream, you have this purpose and this passion to serve, to be different, to experience something different. So now you have this conundrum, you have this pull between what was and what you want.

And as long as you’re attached to what these people say, or what’s going to happen, or the fear that you’re telling yourself, as long as you’re attached to that and you’re afraid you’re going to experience shame and unknown, then you’re not going to be able to reach your goals. You’re not going to be able to do your purpose, is the best way I can say it.

And I get it, it’s tough. And for years I fought this between my family and my passion, my purpose. And they weren’t on board, they weren’t together. And I knew even when my children were small I wanted to change generational patterns. I wanted to change the experience that I had because of what it created in me. Because of the trauma that I experienced. And I didn’t want my children to experience that. I wanted it to be different.

And I’m going to just plug this in and say this is really important to me because I have three children from my husband’s previous marriage, and then I have a child from before he and I, and then we have a child together. And four of these five children experienced abandonment from a parent. And I experienced abandonment from a parent.

So I wanted to break the cycle, it was a big deal to me. And yet, it felt like I had this fight about being this woman and working all the time, and you know, leaving the home, or leaving the kids with sitters, or whatever it was. So I had this fight going on within me of I wanted to preserve for the future. I wanted my kids to have a better outcome for their children and their children.

And yet I was stuck in the paradigm in the way it’s supposed to be, especially out here in the south. And so it’s like I’m supposed to be home, I’m supposed to be with the kids, I’m supposed to be in the kitchen, you know, whatever that is. Which, quite honestly, my husband is more of that than I am, little did we know back then.

So I was trying to be someone else. I was trying to be the proper person according to societal conditioning, according to generational patterning, according to the way it’s been in the past. But here I am promising to break the cycle. I laid my hand on my child when he was born and I pleaded, pleaded to God to help me break this cycle. I did not want this child to experience the depression, the isolation, the abandonment, the rejection, the pain that I had experienced.

I wanted it to be different. I wanted him to experience a family. What it was like to have a mom and a dad and siblings and a beautiful life. I wanted to experience something other than poverty and shame about where I came from. And I didn’t want to pass that on to my child. And so this became a mission, a passionate drive that was inside of me and I couldn’t kill it.

And I was on public support because I was 19 years old whenever I had him and his dad was not in the picture. And I didn’t have a job, and I didn’t have a home, and I was lost out and about and I did not want to pass this cycle on. And in that promise I swore if God would help me, I would help others.

I swear, this is why it’s so important to me. And yet, living in a society that believed different than me, that didn’t have the experience that I had, I was like attached to belonging. To be a part of the community, to be a certain person, to think of certain way, when it honestly wasn’t who I was. They didn’t have the experience I had, they didn’t have the passion and the drive that I had, they didn’t have the why that I had.

And yet I was so worried about continuing to not belong, to not be a part of, that I was negotiating what I really wanted for my family, for my children, for my grandchildren and for generations to come. I was negotiating it for being accepted for what I used to be or what someone else thought I should be.

And so there was a fight, there was a constant struggle going on. And so that is why it’s so important to understand the attachment is actually keeping you from what you really want. And if you have the awareness and you recognize it and your why is big enough, then you’ll be willing to risk that discomfort. And you know what? Most of the people who truly knew and loved me, came along.

But that’s not what my mind was saying. What my mind was saying is they’re going to leave you just like your mother did. They’re going to just leave you like everyone else did. They’re going to leave you like your child’s dad did, right?

Because that was the story that had been playing out in my childhood. That was the societal conditioning, the environmental patterning, that was my past experience. And so it was locked in my neurology, and then I would get panicky and I would get nervous, and then I would freak out.

And so that’s what I see so many of you guys doing, is you have this dream to maybe be a homesteader. You have this vision of what you really want that’s coming from your soul. And then you have what society says and what your past experiences were. And you have a battle between the two.

And if you don’t detach and become, then you won’t be able to arrive. And that means you’re going to repeat the cycle. You’re going to repeat the patterns. You’re going to repeat the past. It’s just how it works, it’s super simple.

And I wanted to talk about that today because I want you to really consider the cost of the attachment. What is it costing you to maintain that dialogue? To maintain that friendship, or those partnerships, or to stay connected to that old identity or those old beliefs? What is it costing you? Because if you know what you want and you just stay steady taking action, just stay steady, keep the vision, tunnel vision.

I see my five kids, and their partners, and my 12 grandbabies. Like it’s etched in my brain. I see that if I don’t do this, that they’re going to be conditioned by society. They’re going to be conditioned by religious dogma. They’re going to be conditioned by the school system, by the government. They are going to be conditioned if I don’t take personal responsibility to be the role model of something different.

That’s what it’s costing me. It’s costing their future and that is a very expensive price for me. It’s costing their outcome and how they’re going to handle money, and how they’re going to handle relationships, and how they’re going to raise their own children. That’s on me.

That’s not on the school system. That’s not on the government. That’s not on the healthcare system. That’s not on anyone else but me and my husband. It is our position. It is our job. We are the role models. We are the ones who lead the way. And I want you to ask yourself that.

What is your why? What do you want to contribute to the world? What are you creating? What are you taking responsibility for? And are you willing to let go of these attachments, to what you think is safe, what your mind is telling you is safe? Are you willing to let go of these attachments in order to have the vision? In order to have the experience?

Guys, you’re only here this one lifetime. Right here, right now, as this person that you are, and this contribution that you have, and this experience that you’re here to attain. This is it? This is it, what are you waiting for? Is it comfortable, not coming here because you’re holding on to here? Is it comfortable being the person that you’re not even?

You’re not even that person. You’re pretending to be that person to be accepted. You’re pretending that person to be comfortable, but is it really comfortable?

It is not comfortable for me when I see some of the things that my grandchildren can get in trouble with. It is not comfortable for me that I have left it up to the school system or to the Catechism teacher or to the college. It’s not fair to them and it’s not responsible of me.

And so I’m willing to let go of the attachment of what society says, of what the government says, of what the systems say, of what my neighbors say, of what my family members who don’t align with me say. I’m willing to detach from that because this is more important. Who I am in this body suit in this earthly world, right, in this material world. Who I am.

This is my one and only time to complete that cycle and to leave something different. To change the patterns of the past by changing the habits and behaviors. By changing the mindset. By changing how we relate to each other and to society.

Guys, we’re in it together. We’re in it together, but we all have to take personal responsibility. And if you can measure out what this is costing you to hold on to this old story, I want you to look into the eyes of your children and your grandchildren, look into the eyes of your pets if you don’t have children and grandchildren. Look into the lives of your neighbors, look them directly in the eye. Are you willing to play out this facade of this conditioning, of these old patterns, of the way that it was?

Are you willing to just stay in that when you look into the eyes of others? When you do it from compassion, and empathy, and love, and you see that we’re on the same team. We are on the same team. So when you come along and you come here, people will come, people will follow.

But you have to take responsibility for being the example of what you are creating, what you are contributing. What are you offering society? What is the stamp that you’re leaving in the material world before you leave your earthly body?

All right, that’s what I have for you this week, guys. Make sure if you follow the podcast and you’re getting great value from it, that you share with friends, you share it on social media. Because this is how we create impact, we find people that we align with and we create a team, we create a mission, right? We have a movement to change generational patterns.

If you’re on board with that movement, then do your part. Take responsibility for getting the message to other people. The willingness to do it different, the willingness to let go. So I thank you for sharing. I love you all. Have a great week.

Thanks for listening to this episode of More Than Mindset