Ep #11: A Deep Dive into The Four Agreements

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Hello my amazing friends and followers. Super excited about today. I know I say that every show but really, really super excited this time. I am going to talk about something that has impacted not only my relationship with myself, but with my business, with my partner, with my friends, with everything, I think even my puppy dogs and kitty cats.

This is going to be – well, it is one of my absolute favorite topics to talk about. I’ve actually done several retreats around this concept and these four amazing agreements. So buckle up, buttercup, I’m about to change your life and blow your mind.

These are the secrets of the universe. The very first thing I have ever given to clients, the first gift I’ve ever given to private clients and group clients was the suggestion of this book. The Four Agreements has changed my perception of everything. It has changed me having the ability to respond rather than react. It has shown and taught me more than any human being has ever taught or show me or any professional.

Seriously, this is as good as it gets, even as good as the mindset and the integration that I am so passionate about. This is basically the foundation behind when things really began to change for me. So the book is called The Four Agreements, and I’m going to go through each agreement briefly.

And looking at it in a way of relationships. Relationship with yourself, with others, with your business, with your clients, in your community, just relationships. I think this is seriously the thing that can change our entire world is how we communicate. How we get along with others, how we see ourselves in our actions. and how it’s all a mirror. So good.

Alright, the first agreement, be impeccable with your word. Be in integrity. Say only what you mean. Don’t speak against yourself or against others. So just let that soak for a moment and think about the conversation that you have about yourself. The things that you say about other people, that you say about circumstances, about the world in general, about how things are.

Really sit, and this would be an opportune time to bring a journal along and write down as we move through each of these and come back and ask yourself these questions. How do I speak about myself? How do I speak to and about other people? How do I speak about my circumstance? Am I in belief? Am I in integrity? Do I say what I want to bring more of into my life?

Because we are a magnet to what we believe. Everything in our mind reflects in our body and in our life. What is integrity to you? Standing in integrity. I think of this even in the people that I work with and that I purchase things from. Like the way they speak shows me – like what if they said what’s in your heart comes out in your words or something like that – shows me a reflection of the integrity they stand in by the things they say.

So good. This is so powerful. Saying only what you mean, avoiding using the word to speak against or to gossip, and using the power of your word in the direction of truth and love only. What would love say? What would love do? If I were in integrity and I were speaking from love, would I say that? Would I say that about myself? Would I say that about her? Would I say that about him? Or about them, that group of people?

So just write down what is integrity to you. What do you believe about yourself and then what do you say about yourself? So because I work with coaches and wellness leaders, really belief is a big component of the work we do, the success we work towards, the results that we get. You can walk around and say positive affirmations, but if you don’t truly believe them, they’re not going to have the power behind them.

So you’ll know by the results that show up, and this goes for what you believe and speak about yourself. I’m not good enough, I don’t deserve, of course it would happen to me, yeah that’s just my luck. It’s always how it turns out; it never works out for me. Think about those things that you say about yourself.

Just give that a moment and then I’m going to move onto the next one. So that was be impeccable with your word. The second one is don’t take anything personal. This was a game changer for me. Everything was personal. When a client didn’t come back, when someone canceled, when someone no-showed me. I made everything about me.

And quite honestly, we’re not that important. We are not the top of everyone else’s priorities. As much as we would like to believe that everyone is thinking about us, we’re so shame and we’re so shy and what are they going to say and what are they going to think. I hate to bust your bubble, but they’re not thinking that much about you.

Everyone is truly thinking about themselves, and nothing that others say or do is because of you. It is a projection of their own reality. And once you’re immune to the opinions of others, you will no longer be the victim of needless suffering. You will no longer buy into the things that they say and do and take it personal about anything to do with you.

I remember when I first started off, I started as a cosmetologist and if someone didn’t show up, I mean, I went into this big long story about me and you know, sometimes they called and they say, “Oh my god, I forgot,” or, “I got caught up with the kids,” and I remember like, I had sulked and had so much drama for however many hours that that actually affects the rest of your day, the rest of your life.

But the beauty is when something like that happens, it truly shows you what already lives within you. It’s never anything to do with that person showing up. It’s never anything to do with that person canceling or coming back even. You know, in yoga we say don’t pick up the flowers or the stones. Like, don’t have to need the compliments and then you won’t be so affected by the stones that are thrown and the words that are said.

Instead, just always be in integrity, always doing your best, always showing up and doing and giving what you have in service, and the rest is about them. It’s not about you. And if you take everything personal, this is like humanity in general. Could be taught just this one thing and it could change our entire world.

If you are taking everything personal and you are reacting, then you’re never really living in such a way of growth and evolvement for your own personal improvement, your own self-discovery, your own journey because the drama and the reacting will get you caught in this spin and then it falls into this oh yeah, I knew I shouldn’t have believed in myself or of course this couldn’t happen to me.

The first agreement starts coming back in, and then you begin to believe it and then you begin to create it. See how it all fits into the thought work? So good. So don’t take anything personal. Think about just today. What have you taken personal? I mean, people take the whole presidency or who voted for who or who went there or who ate that or who bought this, they take all that personal, like as if it’s a personal vendetta against them.

Like, you know I don’t like ice cream and you went and ate ice cream. You know how I feel about that. I’m using silly examples of course, but think about your partner. Think about your boss, and think about things they say and do, and how you make it out about you. What if you didn’t? What if the thought they’re talking about me, they’re thinking that about me, they don’t see me, they don’t see my worth and value, what if you got rid of that thought altogether?

And it’s just the thing they said, it’s just the thing they do, it’s just who they are. Because you’ve become immune to their opinions. Everyone has the right to have an opinion, believe it or not. They can think and feel and do whatever the heck they want and it has absolutely nothing to do with you, and this includes your partners and your kids.

We seriously think the grades our kids make, we make such a big deal out of because of what it means about us. Them making the ball team, them making you look proud, that’s all to do with us. What would it look like if everyone got to show up and do their own thing and the rest of the world didn’t take it personal?

I think about when we – so we’ve been playing baseball like, everything about my kids was surrounded around sports and ball. When we won a tournament and then we went to sub district, we went to district, then we went to state, then we went to the World Series, there was only one team in Louisiana that went to the World Series. There was only one team that went to each one.

And there was the tournament in the winter, but now because everything is taken so personal and it’s like, everyone’s wubby is like, don’t make me feel bad, what you say and do makes me feel bad, you shouldn’t say that, you hurt my feelings, right? So now you think about it. How many ball teams go to the tournament?

You can buy your way in, they don’t want anyone left out. Everything is as if it were personal, instead of it just being neutrality. Instead of it just being sports and personal growth and self-improvement and just about learning something and then becoming better at it. And just that friendly self-growing competition kind of thing.

But instead, there’s this like, we don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings and we’ve got to be careful that it’s not taken personally, so now everyone gets the ring, everyone gets to go to the tournament, everyone gets their fair. Like, it’s so weird, and that’s just in a few years. I don’t know, 10, 15, 20 years ago I guess whenever my kids were playing, compared to when my grandkids are playing now.

It’s like the whole world had to shift to this taking things personally instead of individuals just being responsible for their own mental health, for their own emotional health, their own emotional maturity and emotional growth. So I spent quite a bit of time on that one because it’s really huge.

Just about as huge as the next one, and that’s don’t make assumptions. Don’t make assumptions about anything or anyone. Like, be courageous and ask. Ask for clarification. Communication is so important. I think this is like, the problem with the relationships being so hard and why people have to buy puppies and pets because it’s too hard to get along with other humans because communication is broken, which is amazing for the whole vet industry.

I have several friends who are in veterinarian clinics and like, oh, we shun the people because we take everything personal and then we become reactive, we boot them out, shut them out, having nothing to do with them because they don’t agree with us or whatever assumption that we make.

And then let’s buy a dog, they won’t argue with me and they’ll just love me. I can love a puppy, right? I can love a dog, they’re like my best friend and I don’t have to worry about disagreeing. I don’t have to worry about communicating because they get me, I don’t have to do the work of the relationship.

So if you don’t make assumptions and you ask for clarity, then you could avoid all the drama. I call this ED. Emotional drama. Think about the things that we create, the stories that we create in our mind that are just drama. Like, most of what people say, so I do mindset coaching and when we break down their circumstance and their thoughts and how that makes them feel a certain way and then it creates their results, it’s always the drama that they think is the truth.

It’s like no, it’s just a thought. Instead of going through all of that emotional drama, bringing ED into the picture, we bring ED into most relationships and most businesses. If we left ED out and just communicated and just asked, and it’s not even – I use the word courage but it’s probably more vulnerability.

Like, what’s going on behind the lack of courage. It’s this shame or embarrassment or fear of what someone will say or think. But if we’re not taking anything personal and we’re using – we’re being impeccable with our words, then it doesn’t really matter because we’re not making assumptions, we’re not taking it personal, and we’re saying exactly what we mean, exactly what we want to say.

And then we can avoid the drama, and then my question would be what would you have without drama? Whenever I’m working with clients, they’re like, what now? Like, I’m no longer buffering all of my feelings, I’m no longer overdrinking, over eating, gossiping. All of that’s been taken, now what am I supposed to do? Tell me what to do.

And it’s like, now you’re in presence, now you get to deal with the real stuff. You get to find out who you are and what you’re made of because all of that drama’s been out of the way. The drama is a distraction and the drama is what’s ruining relationships. Really think about it.

So if you are a wellness leader, massage therapist, maybe you’re an essential oil leader, and you really just want to get the work out there, you just want to help people to heal on a natural level, you want to help them become a better them, you want to help them get rid of their chronic conditions that are brought on by the mental and emotional stress and traumas.

And that’s all you want to do, you just want to help people. But the drama you’ve created in your head about what it means when a client doesn’t come back, when a client tells you no, when someone doesn’t accept what you do or what you’re selling or what you believe in or stand for, think about all the stories that you create about that. That is the thing that’s stopping you from the thing.

So instead of making assumptions that they’re thinking certain things about you or saying certain things about what you’re doing, what if you just stood in integrity? Like 100% in belief, in confidence. Just know what you know, that this is offering incredible value to the world. What I have changes lives, the solution that I offer solves the problems that I see.

And then there were no assumptions about what people thought or said. If you want to know something, just ask. Have you thought about trying this? I see you’ve been suffering with that shoulder, would you try something new and different? Would you be willing to receive healing? Not everyone’s willing to receive healing, but you could ask.

Instead of making the assumption that nobody wants your help, that no one wants this natural approach, that no one wants a better life. Instead of assuming that, think about if you just asked. You just looked at the client and asked like, would you like relief? Would you like help? Would you like me to show you a better way? Would you like me to show you the solution that I’ve learned about, that I teach, that I offer?

Think how different that would be because what I hear most in the industry is like, nobody wants it, they don’t want to pay for it, their insurance doesn’t cover it, they don’t think it’s worth it, nobody puts it at value, they don’t think it’s important, they don’t – I hear this all the time and I want you to know those are your thoughts.

That is an assumption and a judgment that you are making about other people. Just for this week, I want you to try this out. I want you to ask the person like, I see you’ve been having this pain or I have a solution, would you like to hear about it? Just see. It’s okay if they say no. You don’t take that personally, right?

But you be impeccable with your word and you be really clear, and you ask and you communicate. This is going to avoid all the drama and then you move on. Next, alright, thank you for the conversation, and also thank you for the lesson, what you’re teaching me, because you’re teaching me how to stand in my own power and how to communicate and how to offer incredible value.

It doesn’t matter if they take you up on it or not. That’s irrelevant. But that’s hard to explain to the brain, right? The brain wants to take it personal and the brain wants to assume that there’s a problem. So that leads to number four, which is always do your best.

And our best is going to change because we are going to change. We are evolving, we are growing, we are learning new things. I promise you, if you just spent 30 days asking, communicating, avoiding drama, your entire life, career, relationships would change. And then always doing your best would be the best from a different version of yourself, so of course the results are going to change. And under all circumstances, do your best.

So whether they say yes or no, whether the business is booming and blossoming, blowing wide open, or it’s a time of the year where it’s just not so busy, or there’s something else that you’re learning in the moment, it doesn’t matter. Can you do your best under all circumstances?

This reminds me of like, Saint Paul. I’m a big follower of Saint Paul in the Bible and you know, the conversion of Saul and just when he was in prison and just saying we could always do our best, no matter where we are, we can always be in integrity, we can continue to serve and believe and do our absolute best. Doesn’t matter what relationship you’re in, what career you’re in, who your boss is. It’s never the world’s fault, guys.

It’s always our thought about it. It’s always the assumption that we make. And then it’s us taking it personally and turning it on ourselves and then turning the word on ourselves. It’s so good. Think about the relationship you have with others, with yourself, with your partner, with your clients, and your business.

And how can you apply these four agreements? Like, in your business not being so reactive and instead being in integrity and moving forward with resilience, with fortitude, with that passion to serve. And what would your life look like if you were avoiding drama and you were being emotionally responsible for yourself?

The Four Agreements is probably one of the first and most highly recommended books for newlyweds, for anyone in relationship, for at any point in their relationship, for our coach clients, for employees, for anyone. It’s like, the thing that I see with partnerships or with relationships is if they brought these four agreements, our marriages would drastically change because we would become our wholeful self and they would be their wholeful self and then we would just be companions on the journey.

We would be doing it together. We do not complete each other. We are a whole being within ourselves. We are unique, we are not broken, there is nothing to fix, except for the communication, the conversation, quit making the assumptions, quit using the word against yourself, quit taking things so personal.

If I wouldn’t be doing this coach training and really helping more leaders do what I do so that I can serve more people on a broader capacity, I would probably be the spokesperson, the advocate, the support for her who chooses to stay in her marriage. We just don’t have anyone supporting that.

It’s like we have divorce coaches and we have couples counseling and all of this stuff, but who’s truly advocating? That’s probably the most important or prominent thing that I have to bring forward is what I’ve learned in my 30 years, in this family, in this relationship, in this marriage, and the 24 years in my business.

And just working with clients and having to learn about human nature and what makes us tick and what makes us hurt and what makes us think and react and respond and what makes us hide, go inside, and what makes us revolt and go outside is so beautiful. What I’ve learned from a 30-year relationship, it’s the same thing that you take into your business, that you take into your friendships.

The ability to get along with another human being by just using these four agreements can impact, change our entire world. I just can’t say enough about it. I hope you read it and I would love to hear back from you what are your thoughts about it. You can check us out in the Integrative Life group.

We have a book club, a virtual book club and this month, The Four Agreements is our book of choice. It’s something that we just kind of read on our own and then we have one night a month where we just discuss the book that we selected. And this was one of the first ones I wanted to suggest, but quite a few of the coaches and participants had already read it.

And so now we have a new group and I’m like, we got to bring The Four Agreements back. It’s like, just the best thing ever. At one point in the book he says like, you didn’t even decide your own name, your own religion. Everything was decided and done for you, and then there comes a point where you must know thyself and allow other people to be themselves.

And us coming into the essence of unconditional love and acceptance and seeing not just the contrast in life but even the contrast in the relationships, but it’s totally fine to be different. It’s actually beautiful to be different. Think of all of the things we learn from the difference. And if we can come to a place of truly communicating without shame, with vulnerability, and without being triggered, because that’s what’s happening when you’re taking it personal.

It’s like you’re being triggered by something that already resides within you and they’re bringing it up. They’re mirroring it. Instead of looking at them as the enemy, could you look at it as, oh, that’s the thing that’s happening for me. That is the gift right now. Let me really see what I’m taking personal about this. Is that true? Who would I be without that thought?

Alright, I think this show, this particular episode is going to be game changer. I hope it is anyway. It surely was for me. Alright, until next week.

Thanks for listening to this episode of Integrative Life Coach Training for Health and Wellness Practitioners! If you’re feeling stuck on your journey to mind body integration, head over to KimGuillory.com to download your Stability First Meditation today.