Ep #64: The Victim

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Hey, guys. Welcome back. So, this week marks 29 years. It’s my 29^th wedding anniversary. How do you like that? It’s perfect for the topic I’m going to be talking about today. It just so happened that fell into place.

So, I kind of did a little review and I suggest that you all do that also. Maybe not every year, maybe every month or every quarter or possibly every week, to really do an assessment and an overview and look at what’s working, what isn’t working, and what do we want to do differently? This is something that I started doing a few years ago in my marriage.

I remember recognizing that it was actually an option. We don’t have to stay married. We don’t have to keep making something stick that doesn’t stick anymore. And it’s like I suddenly had liberation and freedom and I was able to come to gratitude and choice. It was such a beautiful thing.

And, you know, I’ve not stopped thinking about that when it comes to our relationships. We often do things over and over out of habit. You know, it’s just this common familiar behavior. And we don’t even realize why we’re doing it anymore. It’s like it’s just the thing we’re supposed to do; someone told us to do, right? And so, it’s like we do these things over and over and we say that we are living when we’re actually not living our life.

So, I want to say that everything is optional. Just because you chose it at one time doesn’t mean you have to continue doing it if it’s no longer working, which you may want to do some investigating before deciding. And when I started doing this is when I recognized my victim mentality.

I recognized that being a victim was just part of the human condition and that suffering was also part of the experience. And it’s not so much, “Can we run away from suffering?” But the key is how not to react to it or how to be in the experience of it without pointing the finger, without blaming and to be willing to inquire, you know.

So, I’m going to bring that into the entire episode this week. Just so happened, it was 29 years and neither one of us remembered till the end of the day. And I notice that, with every year, I come into a deeper understanding of the difference between he and I, male and female. But actually, it’s the energy, right? And we have all aspects in that in all of us.

The thing is, we don’t recognize how the brain works, why it thinks the way it does, why it puts up these walls. And until I had that understanding, I really had a hard time with relationships and especially suffering in relationships, thinking that everyone needs to be like us or needs to understand us or accept us, you know, the way we are, they should all agree with us. That is such a big setup for suffering. And it also leads into why we are victims of these stories, you know, and this blame.

So, I want to start off very simply. The human condition, it’s basically like we are born, we grow, we have emotion, conflict, mortality, experience. Right? It’s a process. It’s a growing process. We learn and evolve with each experience. It teaches us something.

And then we kind of pack away our thoughts or our opinion about that circumstance. And then we take that story, put it in our backpack or we put it in our brain. Like, we need to remember this. We need to make sure they never take advantage of me again. I need to make sure I never suffer or hurt this way again. And before you know it, we have this huge book sack that we are carrying around.

And when something goes wrong, we point the finger and we remind ourselves whose fault it is or why it should be different or how they should be different. And this is such a big part of why we suffer. And I’m seeing a lot of this right now just with this pandemic and the businesses that are closed and people who can’t go to work.

And I hear this one comment on social media a lot. And it’s like people who have worked so hard or everything they have worked for is ruined or gone or will be destroyed. It’s so dramatic that we hang on to this idea, to this perception, to this story we’ve painted in our mind about how scary it is for things to change. It’s as if we believe we know what will happen on a regular basis, when we really have no idea. That’s just our mind that wants to believe that it understands, that believes that it can control. It’s such an illusion.

And I believe because of this human condition, because of the victim mentality, because we’re always wanting to point the finger and blame and make it someone else’s fault so that we can defend ourselves so that we can feel safe is such a big reason why we struggle. We struggle with relationships. We struggle with finances. We struggle with authority figures, with our children, with our partners.

It’s like there’s this constant defense that’s happening within us. It’s like our brain has set up this barrier. And it believes it’s to prevent us from experiencing pain or suffering or not being protected. Guys, it’s actually the pain that was created by the brain. In other words, the reason we suffer is because of our intellect. It is because of the stories that the brain tells us.

We don’t see it because we are self-consumed by the story, by the beliefs that we’re unsafe, by the beliefs that we’re unprotected, unsupported, “Nobody sees me. They’re going to reject me. Everyone talks about me.” These are just the immature kid’s stories that live inside of us that haven’t grown up yet.

And because there is an emotional pattern and an emotional signature in the physical body, and when we feel it, when it gets triggered, our brain is like, “See, there it is again, I told you, you feel it? See if you feel it. It must be true. See?” Right. And we just keep doing this over and over and over because we never inquire. We never question it. We never sit with our self and ask the questions. Is that true? Can I prove it? Who would I be without the thought?

What if I did not believe that? What if I did not think that? What if my thoughts are a lie? What if my brain lies to me? What if my brain is a bully? Like think about when you were a teenager and your parent or parents were trying to protect you. So, they gave you a curfew. But you believed your parents were mean. They were trying to hurt you. They were making you suffer. They were inflicting pain on you because they wouldn’t let you have your way.

It’s kind of the same thing. And if you think about it like the police officer who said you couldn’t go 90 miles an hour down Main Street. Right. Like, “Oh, he has no idea what fun is, he’s such a stuffy old dude.” Right. Not realizing that he was actually trying to protect you.

And the same with your teachers and your principal at school. The reason that we have rules and regulations is so that we can be protected. But the brain sees like, oh, they don’t let me have any fun. They’re always against me. They don’t like me. Right? Can you see how it’s a childhood thing? Can you see how it’s immaturity?

And so, we’re set up this way. This is the human condition. The brain has a story. It’s the narrator of the suffering, actually, it’s the creator of the pain; the physical, emotional, mental and spiritual pain. It’s brought on by disconnect from who you really are, disconnect from other people, disconnect from safety, from being understood, from being seen.

And so, this thing, whatever it is that you’re pointing your finger at, whatever it is that you’re blaming, whether it’s the government, the authorities, your partner, your kids, your coworker, your boss, doesn’t matter, whatever it is. Ask yourself the question, sit with this for a while. Who is it that I am blaming?

Whose fault is it that I am unhappy, that I am unsuccessful? That I am doing this certain thing, right? So, it’s like we have these beliefs that it’s always someone else’s fault. Like I tell my husband this, like it’s his fault if we have cookies because he wanted cookies or he picked him up at the store. Right. It’s his fault for bringing ice cream in the house as if it wasn’t my responsibility not to eat it.

Can you see what I’m saying? Our brain always wants to blame, it’s its first go-to of protective defense. Ask yourself, who am I blaming for…? So just ask the question first. What are you unhappy about? What results are you not getting? What’s not going right in your life? Write that down first.

What is it that you really want that you haven’t figured out how to achieve yet? How to get what results have you not seen? And then I want you to make a list of whose fault. Is it social media’s fault? is it your kids? Is it because of your partner? Is it because you had to work until five o’clock? Is it because the time change? Is it because the gym was closed?

Can you see how there’s so many things to blame? Like, “Well, I couldn’t exercise, the gym closed, you know, the government closed everyone down,” as if you couldn’t walk or ride a bike or do some jumping jacks. This is a big problem.

I see this all the time with entrepreneurs. They want to blame someone else. They want to make it the economy’s fault, they want to blame it on the stock market or they want to blame it on the marketing or the copy or the person who didn’t give them what they needed in order to get the thing done.

You know, whatever it is, there’s always going to be an opportunity to blame someone. And I’m going to ask you this week if you could turn that around and point the finger to yourself. What do I want? Ask yourself this question. What do I want? And write it down. I want to earn $50,000 in my coaching business this year. What are you doing to get it now? Not what social media is doing, not what your coach is doing, not what your clients are doing. What are you personally doing to get that result?

And is it working? If it is not working, what will you do differently outside of blaming someone? What will you do differently? Because here’s what happens. As long as the brain is creating the pain. As long as it’s the narrator of the story and as long as you are self-consumed by the suffering, you do not have access to the frontal cortex, which is your best friend, it is your problem solver.

It is the part of you that figures out how to handle problems. It solves things, but it’s not available to you. And so I’m just going to use I’m going to go a little off and give you an example here. So, let’s say you have physical pain in your body.

You already recognize I’m going to talk to people who understand TMS, the mind body syndrome. Right. This mind body disconnect. You already understand that there’s nothing physically wrong with you. It’s not like a tangible injury. It’s actually just pain that moves around your body in certain areas.

Sometimes it’s the neck and shoulders, sometimes it’s the knees, sometimes it’s the foot, sometimes it’s the stomach. Sometimes it’s a rash. It’s just like there’s always something going on. So, if that is, I want you to understand what is happening so that you can have some sort of problem-solving solution here.

So, what happens is you have a pain in your body and your brain’s like, “Uh-huh, there it is again. See, we got it. It’s there. It’ll never go away. I’m different from those other people. I read all the books. I did all the things. I saw all the therapists. I took all the medicine. I went to the doctor. I ran all of the tests. It’s just something wrong with me, I’m broken, there’s something wrong with my body.” What will happen is your brain goes into believing that. And then you have the feeling sensation from that.

Here it is. Ready? You don’t want to feel emotion in your body that is repressed because you can’t. And the reason that you can’t is because your brain will not let you go there. So, it goes into defense. And it triggers this pain in your body. Or this drama in your life.

So, you can look at blame and pain as a symptom of the human condition. It is something that your brain creates so that you don’t feel these repressed emotions that are in your body because it believes that you will die or hurt someone or hurt yourself or you will expose this shame that you are committed to keeping hidden.

So, I just connected pain, blame, drama. I want you to see it as all the same thing. Whether it’s physical pain, illness, disease, scarcity, money stories, the business you’re not creating, the partnership you can’t figure out, the relationship you can’t mend. Doesn’t matter, I want you to see that as symptoms of what your brain does when it does not have access to feel your emotions, to feel your feelings because it feels it is unsafe. It believes it is unsafe. And so, it creates these stories.

Your brain narrates the drama, the pain, the blame, all of that stuff as a distraction. And now that you’re focused on the drama and now that you’re focused on the pain, now that you’re focused on it being someone else’s fault, you don’t have to deal with the discomfort. You don’t have to deal with what is going on inside of yourself.

So, blame keeps you as a victim in this story, suffering. The conflict is like the pain in the body. The drama, everyone else’s fault, nothing goes right for me. All of those things because you believe it, you continue to prove it. Your brain goes to work for you and does it because that is what you have it set on. That is your GPS, “Hey, we’re a victim, show me all of the proof.” And you are going to stack up so much evidence.

And guys, when you’re blaming someone else, you are hurting yourself. That is the best news I have for you. If you’re willing to ask yourself the questions, “What do I want? What am I doing to get that?” And then assess it, “Is it working? What could I do differently?” You’re going to be able to get answers if you drop that story. If you get out of the blame mode, you get out of the defense mode, then you’re going to have access to the frontal cortex, which is going to solve for you.

Your brain is a brilliant machine, but you have to learn how to manage it. You have to know when to put the primal brain in the car seat and strap it down and you take the steering wheel back. You cannot let that part drive your life. It is an immature inner child part of yourself that still has healing to do.

And if you let it drive the car, it will want to go and run over the person that you’re blaming, the reason you’re not healing. And if it can’t find them, if it doesn’t have access to them, it’s going to point it to someone that you’re in a relationship with. It does this all the time.

Guys, I see this in coaching day after day after day after day; clients who continue to suffer because they continue to be the victim. They continue to be in the old story. They continue to blame someone else. That is why your mind comes up with all of this pain, so that you can focus on the pain, so you don’t have to deal with the root, with the deep issues, so you don’t have to go into the shadow, so you don’t have to experience the shame, the rage, that anger that is eating inside of you because it is too scary.

You told yourself when you were two or five or seven or nine that it was unsafe to feel it. And you are still believing that today. I swear to you, if you are willing to drop the story and come out of the resistance, come out of the defense and be willing to consider.

Enough consideration to where you would get curious and begin to wonder, “Where can I take responsibility for what is not going in the direction I want in my life? Where am I responsible for not creating money? Where am I responsible for not being empowered? Where am I responsible for allowing people to walk over me and treat me like a doormat? Where am I responsible for not loving myself? For not accepting myself? Where am I responsible for leaving myself out, for abandoning myself, for judging myself? Where my responsible for the disconnect? Where am I responsible for the blame? What am I doing to myself?” If you could do this with a gentle, humble compassion, it will change your life.

When you have physical pain, inquire. Go into the pain. Get really quiet and drop down in your body instead of away and out of your body. Drop in and inquire. “What do you have for me? What do you want to tell me? What do you want to teach me? I’m willing to mend the relationship between my mind and my body and my soul. I’m willing to get curious. I’m willing to listen to what this pain wants to teach me. I’m willing to experience the discomfort in order to get the healing. I’m willing to stop blaming people. I’m willing to live my life fully, wholly experience it and quit running from it. Quit disconnecting from it. I’m willing to consider that I have been a victim and I am ready to wake up.”

That’s the first stage of waking up, recognizing that we have all been victims of the human condition. It doesn’t make us better or worse than anyone else. It just is. It’s the reason we suffer that pain comes from the victim mentality. It comes from not getting what we want because we’re not taking responsibility for getting it. Instead, we’re pointing the finger at someone else and we’re expecting them to get us the results. They are not responsible for your results. You are; nobody but you.

What you think creates the way you feel. So, if you feel sad and ashamed and pissed and angry and mistreated, ask yourself where this is inside of you. Where could you be doing this with yourself? And if you were in a circumstance, ask yourself why you put yourself there, how did you get there? How did you allow it to get this far? I’m not telling you, you should stay in a physically abusive relationship. Be very clear here.

I’m asking you why you tolerate it. Why do you accept it? How did it start and how did it grow to that point? What is inside of you that feels worthy of that? Where are you not connecting with yourself? Where are you not listening to yourself? Where is it your responsibility to make the change, even though it’s scary, even though you have doubts, right? Really just open the questions, open the inquiry, open the wondering, the curiosity.

Ask yourself, “Why am I consumed with this story? What am I trying to cover up? What am I making excuses for that I could be doing or seeing differently? How am I not fully embodying the human condition?”

And it could be entitlement. You could feel like, “I don’t think I should have to suffer. I don’t think I should have to have pain. This is not fair. This is not how it should be.” And it’s because you’re judging and comparing yourself or your life to someone else. Compare and despair is a really tricky thing. So, you got to watch and make sure that it’s not coming from that.

So, these are things that I want to leave you with this week is, are you willing to consider that you could be creating this suffering because of your beliefs, because of your thoughts, because of your victim mentality being stuck in the old story and blaming rather than changing? Your brain has two options.

It could point the finger and it can blame or it can make the change that’s it. Guys, we have the opportunity to change in a moment. It does not have to take years. You can change the thought and start turning things around instantly. But you have to have some tools, right? And that’s what I’m hoping to share with you. I hope you have a great week. Let me know how it goes. Leave us a comment, a rating, review. Share this with your friends.

We see a lot of this happening right now because of what’s going on with the shutdown and with the economy and people feeling like they’re a victim of this virus. And even like pointing the finger and blaming China, blaming the bats, blaming the government.

There are so many people, so many opportunities to blame. Right. How can we just see that this is part of the human experience and this is what we get to be part of in this time and space that we have chosen to be here? And how can we look at it in a curious and wondering way? How can it be serving us at this time?

Thanks for listening to this episode of More than Mindset.