Ep #154: Becoming Unapologetic with Tammy Helfrich

Welcome to More Than Mindset, the only podcast that bridges the gap between spirituality and success. Go beyond the mind with clarity and confidence Coach Kim Guillory, and learn how to integrate your passion to serve with your skills and experience to create a business you love. Let’s get started.

Kim: Hello, hello, and welcome back to the More Than Mindset show. I have Tammy Helfrich with me here today and we are talking about her book, Unapologetic. Tammy is a peer coach, we are both graduate life coaches, and she is also a member of Self Healing Masters.

And I saw she published a book, which I get really excited about, I got it here. And I asked if she wanted to come on and talk about the creation of it and her story behind it and what has happened since then, like since she wrote the book and came out. So Tammy, would you like to go ahead and introduce yourself?

Tammy: Sure, thank you so much for having me, Kim. This is such an honor to be here with you. And as she said, my name is Tammy Helfrich and I’m a life coach. And I really love helping women remember who they are and really tap into, I believe we all have something awesome to bring to the world. The problem is we kind of get in our own way a lot of times or we let other people tell us who they think we should be.

And so a lot of my work, just my own personal work even before finding coaching was about really starting to try to understand who I was. And so the whole book, Unapologetic, is about understanding who you are, owning it, and then no longer apologizing for it. Because what I find is that especially as women many of us apologize for things that we do not need to be apologizing for. And apologizing for ourselves, just who we are, and what we like, and how we want to show up in the world.

And it’s become a pretty big problem with many of us. And so writing the book really helped me. When I was writing the book I put out a post asking people what do you apologize for? And the biggest answer, the most common answer was everything. Everything. Why do we apologize for everything that we do? Why do we shrink back from who we are? And why do we not bring all of us to what we do?

And so writing the book is a lot about my journey, it’s a lot about what I have healed and what I have learned about myself through coaching and through being coached. And it has just opened me up to such a different audience. I think that it’s opened it up to people maybe who aren’t in the life coaching world and who haven’t done a lot of the coaching that I’ve done or that other people have done. And it’s really made them kind of stop and think a little bit.

I tried to keep – I’m a big one and one thing I’m really working on now is to not just consume information and to actually integrate it and to really apply it to our lives. So I tried to make the book more like a workbook and kind of like a workshop if you were listening to me. And I did put it on Audible too so you can actually listen to me.

But I really loved hearing people saying that really challenged them to actually do the work and to actually answer the questions and not just to read the book and say, “Yeah, yeah, yeah, I get it.” Because that’s what so many of us do, we just say, “oh yeah, I got it. I know all this.” So it’s been a really fun journey, for sure.

Kim: So I’m curious about a few things. So those of you who know Human Design, right, I have an open head and Ajna, I ask a lot of questions that don’t matter, which makes this super fun. So, Tammy, like your apologies, your reason for writing the book, when did you notice? How much of your life had you been apologizing for?

Tammy: When did I notice? That’s a great question. I don’t know that anybody has asked me that. I think it was just this theme that I kept coming into. Again, the deeper I began to understand myself, the more I realized how often I would apologize to other people for that. Or I would shrink back to not appear too big or too boastful instead of just being who I am and owning it.

And so a big part of it was really just saying I’m not okay with this anymore. So much of my work has been about, again, deciding who I am and then saying, “Yeah, I’m not okay with apologizing that I am who I am and that I like the things that I like.”

Kim: So did it just become kind of monotonous and then you just noticed, “Oh my God, there I am apologizing again” or had someone brought it to your awareness? Because I think most of us are walking through apologizing, making excuses, justifying, explaining the reasons why. That’s just the human condition.

Tammy: Yes. Yeah, I think it was a little of both, honestly. I think I was starting to become more aware of it. Obviously through coaching and getting coached you really start to be aware of your patterns. And then once the idea came to me I started paying attention to other people too.

And that’s when it really started to hit me. Wow, we apologize for the dumbest little things that we don’t have to apologize for. And so it’s no wonder that people don’t take our apologies as heartfelt because we’re apologizing for things that we don’t need to apologize for.

Kim: Yeah, do you think it’s just habit or it’s the polite thing to do like to stop us from being so egotistical and liking ourselves? Do you think it’s just habit?

Tammy: I think it’s both. I think it’s both because I’m not saying don’t apologize for things that we do that are maybe hurtful or that cause someone else to have a problem, right? I’m not saying don’t apologize for that.

But I’m saying typically what we’ll find is we’ll be in the grocery store and someone will cut in front of us, what will we say? “I’m sorry.” Why? Why do we say I’m sorry? Or instead of saying excuse me, we say I’m sorry. Right? And so It’s little things like that, but I think that it flows into everything that we do. It flows into holding ourselves back from bringing all of us to the world.

Kim: Yeah, because you kind of talk about this, right? Upper limits and the discomfort of that.

Tammy: Yeah, so The Big Leap by Gay Hendricks is such a great book and I’ve read it so many times. Every time I read it, I get something different. And he talks about the ways that we hold ourselves back. And my biggest one was that I didn’t stop myself from doing the things that I wanted to do, but I would not let myself celebrate it or enjoy it.

And so I would numb my feelings, or I would just kind of downplay what I had done. And that’s where I think a lot of us bump into our upper limit problems when we start to look at them.

Kim: Yeah, it’s almost an apology for the greatness.

Tammy: Yes, yes.

Kim: Like I’ll apologize for all that I am.

Tammy: Right, because I think so many of us are afraid of that. That’s a lot of my work, is really being able to stand in fully who I am and be okay with it. And not have to tell someone that I’m sorry that I can do things really well or that I have a different way that I like to do things.

Kim: Or that I’m sorry that I’m me.

Tammy: Yes, yes. Which is what so many of us do, right? Because we’ve been told we need to be fixed, or we’re broken, or something’s wrong with us. Many of us that come from religious backgrounds or all different kinds of systems in our society tell us that, that there’s something wrong with us. And I just don’t believe that anymore at all.

Yes, can we grow, can we learn? Absolutely. Do we need to be fixed? I don’t think so.

Kim: I just want to take a breather on it because it’s like we’re in such the habit of correcting, or auto correcting, or figuring out, or finding the solution. And so of course we think it’s us.

Tammy: Yeah, and we’ve all been conditioned for that. And I think even in the self-development and the growth we can get stuck in that system too, of constantly trying to do better or do more and the whole productivity cycle. Versus really being okay with who we are and how we want to show up in the world. And then doing that unapologetically, even if it looks totally different from how you do things.

And that’s where I think Human Design, which I’m just learning a lot about is really, really helpful too. I hear you modeling that of how your Human Design comes up of how you do things which is different from mine, because we have different designs.

And I also think the biggest thing that I’ve really learned through the book and through having people read it is, I believe when we do that healing and we understand ourselves, that gives other people permission to do the same. We stop trying to fix them. So when we stop trying to fix ourselves, we also stop trying to fix the people in our lives, our spouses, our children, our friends, the people that we work with, and that’s a gift for all of us.

Kim: Yeah, yeah, for sure. I know the curious minds, what is your design? What is your profile, strategy and authority?

Tammy: I’m a manifesting generator. I don’t know all the other stuff, I think I’m a – Oh gosh, now I’m forgetting. I should have pulled it up. I knew you were going to ask.

Kim: I can totally pull it up too. You don’t remember that with the number or the profile are?

Tammy: I don’t. I usually remember it.

Kim: Okay, I can look it up, that’s no big deal. Manifesting generator is enough information, right? Was that life changing for you?

Tammy: That and then the sacral authority because I could never define my sacral authority. I just knew it. It was always just a knowing for me, and so to be able to know that. And even the idea of people asking me questions or even just asking myself if I want to do something, that’s been so so powerful.

Kim: 1/3, so Tammy is a 1/3 pure manifesting generator.

Tammy: Yes. Yeah, the manifesting generator was huge because so I’ve been coaching for a while and I had kind of gotten really wrapped up in coaching.

And I had forgotten that I was a writer because I started a blog like 10 years ago. And I was going back through, it was in the end of 2020, I was going back through a bunch of journals just kind of looking for ideas for coaching. And that’s when I remembered, oh my gosh, I’m a writer, I love to write. I’ve always been a good writer, I want to write a book. And so that’s how the whole Unapologetic came up.

But I think what really helped me in that with Human Design was understanding that I like to do all these different things. I was so focused on like it has to be coaching. And when I just realized, oh my gosh, no, it doesn’t. It can be coaching, and writing, and whatever else I want it to be. That just opened up the floodgates for me, which was huge.

Kim: Yeah, well it is huge because, again, it’s the apologies for wanting to do a whole bunch of things. You should have all of the spoons in the pot as the manifesting generator. You should have a lot of things starting. You can be the classic ADHD, you’re like, “I’m going to do this, and I’m going to do this, and I’m going to bring in a little bit of this.” And through that process is where your path is going to open for you.

Tammy: Yeah, it’s interesting you say that because I wouldn’t consider myself someone with ADHD and I’ve never really identified as that. But that’s where the manifesting generator came in because I get stuff done. I can do a lot of different things, but I do them really well. So it’s not like this sporadic thing. So even having a definition of that, for me, was like, “Oh my gosh, that’s who I am, no wonder.

Kim: Yeah and we are all about demystifying all these names and labels and tags and stuff. One of our coaches is all about it. We use the word ADHD because that’s what someone relates to. But what we’re actually saying is it could be a personality. It can just be a way we do things, it’s a way that we are different. That’s really what it’s about.

But society or just the conditioning in general has tried to put people in boxes of what’s good, bad, better, wrong, and how you should or shouldn’t be. And I don’t think that at all. I’m all about individuality and expression, which is what you’re saying here. It’s not apologizing for that individuality, and that is what Human Design does so well.

Tammy: Absolutely.

Kim: That’s what Human Design teaches.

Tammy: Yeah. Yeah, and not labeling it as wrong, right? Because even with ADHD has gotten this label, again, that you need to be fixed, or something’s wrong with you. Versus no, what if that’s your gift? I mean, if you think of so many people – There’s all kinds of research about people that probably had ADHD, that had they been medicated or had they done things that, you know, they wouldn’t have come up with the things that they did like Albert Einstein or other people like that.

Kim: For sure, for sure.

Tammy: But yeah, and I think, like you said, it’s demystifying some of the labels and just owning it. Understanding that I’m a manifesting generator has changed everything for me. It’s been huge.

Kim: Yeah, and even with depression and understanding melancholy, and understanding the transits, and understanding like shadows and heaviness, and that these things moving through us are not us.

Tammy: Right.

Kim: And yet you’re busy all the time and someone walking in is like, “Oh, you got OCD because you’re always trying to clean your house, and you’re always…” It’s just language, habitual language that we don’t even realize the things that we’re saying. And then we allow that to attach a meaning to who we are and to make it wrong.

Tammy: Yes.

Kim: Not good enough? I don’t know what it is. So I love this, and that was my next question for you. So you kind of stole it from me.

Tammy: Sorry.

Kim: So were you always feeling called to write or was this book just brewing inside of you like, you got to get me out. It’s time, right now. Here’s that pulsing of the knowing of timing. I’m just curious about what made you decide to write it when you wrote it?

Tammy: Yes, so it is a little bit of both. So about a decade ago is when – So I had been in corporate sales for almost 20 years and did all the things. Climbed the corporate ladder, had the good job, traveled all over the country, made great money, did all that. And I basically got to a point where I looked around and said, “This is it, this is what I’m going to do.” And I was at the point of adrenal fatigue and it was bad, it was stressful.

And so at that time I started opening myself to going to conferences and different books. And the one thing that I remembered at that time was that I was a writer. So that was almost a decade ago and so I started a blog. And that was, at that time, just a way for me to express myself while still in a very corporate box that I was in.

And so that opened up remembering I used to write poetry. My friend and I used to write a soap opera for years, like it was just back and forth between ourselves. So I’d always been a writer. So that opened up to me, but then again I got very involved with starting a new nonprofit and I was doing my coaching and I had kind of just forgotten and I had stopped blogging.

And I was podcasting a lot more, which I still do. And so it was during that time, like I said, I started going back through my and it was 2020 when we were all kind of saying – The phrase that kept coming up to me was, if not now, when? And so when I remembered that I was a writer I thought, what am I waiting for?

I’ve always wanted to write a book and why not now? And so then it just kind of burst. And then once I made the decision, it just kind of burst out of me like, yep, here we go. We’re going to write this book. It was a really cool process to go through.

Kim: So I have a couple of questions relating to this. So I’m just looking at your chart and as a manifesting generator and really recognizing that you have this potential for hearing and knowing. Like Source just like living and breathing through you. And that there is, if you wait patiently, like for you specifically, it’s just like this waiting patiently, there will be a pulse. A go time.

So are you familiar – Obviously, you’re familiar with what I’m talking about, even though you didn’t know that, right? And so it’s like really understanding that you’re not crazy. These voices are real. This message is real for you. It is Source coming through you. And knowing that in perfect timing there will be this let’s go.

Tammy: Yes.

Kim: And when you follow it the ears will be ready, they will we open. The people will receive, and the message will be clear.

Tammy: Yes. Yes, exactly. Yeah, I could not have articulated that in November of 2020 but that’s exactly what it was. And that’s been so much of my work is learning to tap into my intuition, learning to tap into Source, learning to tap into my sacral authority, because that also was just when you know, it’s really hard to argue with that.

Kim: You can’t go back. Once you know something or see something, you can’t unsee it.

Tammy:  Right, right. Yeah. So yeah, that was exactly it, for sure.

Kim: Yeah, it’s so fascinating when someone is telling the story and we’re seeing this. And I’m looking at like you have the potential for kind of shocking society with this message, or just saying something that’s kind of like, “What? I don’t know about that.”

Tammy: Yes.

Kim: And I’m curious about when you brought up the religious dogma, if that wasn’t a part of it. It’s like, wait a minute, who are you? Because I’ve heard things like why wouldn’t you just go to Jesus? Who needs a life coach? That’s so selfish, that’s all about you, you, you. You should go to the pulpit or whatever.

So those are the sorts of things that are said here in the south about it. So I’m curious if there has been any of that in your history and where maybe some of that apologizing came from for you personally.

Tammy: Yeah, I mean, I grew up in a super conservative Christian home. And now, again, looking back I can see I always had a connection to Source but it didn’t line up with the church I was in. And so I was always in this kind of weird place of like, again, I had that knowing but it didn’t line up with a lot of the theology and the rules and all that. Because I always kind of knew at an early age like I don’t really think God cares if I do this thing that the Church tells me I shouldn’t do, right?

So that’s been a lot of my work over the last few years. And I have been grateful to be a part of a church community that actually is very open to questioning and to allowing everyone to experience their own journey through that. So I haven’t really run into that too much, just because, again, the church community that I’ve been a part of has allowed space for that, which has been so great.

I still definitely have people in my life, though, who would say exactly what you said. And who would question the – I think the biggest change for me has been going from something outside of me, to me and to Source within me. Which is a very different thing than just take it to Jesus and let him fix it. It’s kind of going back to the same thing.

It’s just a very different energy. And it’s a very different, even responsibility, I would say because it’s really easy to blame things on something outside of yourself versus taking the responsibility to own it and to be who you are.

Kim: Which can kind of lead into this next question of super intuitive power here, and if there was a part of needing or feeling like you needed to hide that because it doesn’t make sense according to that environment. And that’s where the apologizing for even what I know, what I sense that is so much bigger than me that is moving through me. And I can totally relate to this.

Tammy: Yeah, yeah, for sure. I mean, that was probably most of my life growing up was still doing the things but keeping myself humble enough or just below the surface to not cause too many waves. But in doing that I’m not fully expressing who I am and I’m not bringing all of me to the world. And that’s what I’m no longer okay with.

I am not okay with people shrinking back and not being who they are. Because I believe we’ve all been created by the same creator and that we’ve been given these desires and these ways that we do things that are all gifts, we just have to learn how to tap into them.

Kim: 100%. What was it costing you? What was it costing you to apologize, to hold back, to kind of try to cover this – Gosh, it’s magical, so it’s like cover these gifts in order to, I don’t know, whether it was to fit in or just to be accepted. What was it costing you?

Tammy: Living fully awake. We don’t have to just go through the motions. And for me, Brene Brown has that quote that you can’t selectively numb your emotions. Well, that’s what I was doing. Like I wore even-keeled Tammy as a badge of honor. It took a lot to get me upset, it took a lot to get me really excited. Well, all I was doing was numbing all my emotions to just be this even-keeled person.

So it definitely was costing me joy. I’ve had multiple energy workers tell me that I don’t allow myself to experience joy, which is something that I’m changing. Something with the book that I was super intentional about was allowing myself to receive the praise, and the joy, and the excitement that came along with it. And to really let myself celebrate that.

So I think the answer to your question would be it was costing me really living in the joy and the beauty of what this life has to offer. And knowing what I have to offer the world and being unapologetic about it.

Kim: That’s good.

Tammy: Yeah.

Kim: Because whatever that is, one day the price just becomes too much.

Tammy: Yep, yeah.

Kim: And it actually becomes the catalyst for the growth, for the expansion, for the thing. And I’m also looking at, you know, because you’re in Self Healing Masters, so you guys have to know that I have to investigate all of you. So when you turn these charts in, one of my clients says, it’s like I should have a HIPPA agreements because I know everything about them on the inside.

And what’s standing out for me is your age, being 50 years old and understanding Chiron return, which is coming between the age 48 and 52. Which is for all of us, for all humans. Understanding the Saturn return, Uranus, and just all of the planetary energies and stuff.

And so, around the age 48 to 52, which you’re right smack in the middle of, would you say that that had an impact on you kind of like coming out of the closet and kind of fully embodying? Because you also have that identification in your chart, that it really is about embodiment in the body.

Tammy: Yes.

Kim: Sensation, and feeling, and dreams, and expressions.

Tammy: Yeah, because I would say I have not been in my body or embodied for a very long time, since probably I was a kid. And I think that’s also another thing that comes with some religious dogma, is the body is bad or however you were taught that it was.

And so, I think that I am just now learning. It’s been through the last few years that I’ve really started through energy work, and through coaching, and through being okay with who I am in my body. Man, that’s my work. That’s what I’m working on now.

So I don’t know a lot about what you just mentioned with the age ranges, so I’m fascinated by that. I’d love to talk more about that and learn more about that because I felt that a lot before I turned 40. I felt like this whole new decade was a new thing, but I’m feeling it in such a different way.

Really learning to be safe and to be okay in my body, no matter what. Again, going back to the not when I’m at a certain weight, or not when I look a certain way, or not when this happens. Really being okay now, which I feel like was so much of this last year for me.

Kim: I’ve been in personal development, like even in my business. I was a cosmetologist, moving into yoga meditation, coaching, fitness, ladies fitness. And so it was always about these challenges. But what I noticed is I love to deep dive. Of course you can tell by my questions I don’t like surface-y stuff. And I’m not designed that way, actually. I’m here for chaos, crisis, and conflict, like I’m the soft place to land in that.

And what I started noticing is when clients around 29, 49 were coming to me I was most interested in them. And then I started understanding what was actually happening in their life in those phases, in those times. That’s kind of like that falling apart phase.

So that’s when we have our first Saturn return, something is around 28 and a half years old 28 to 30. Mine was a full on hysterectomy, disconnected from my body, walked away from everything, put myself in a mental place. I thought was crazy, I could not get my crap together.

And then again, whatever we didn’t finish Chiron is coming in as the wounded healer to clean up between 48 and 52. And you know, we already know everything’s a seven year process, right? So if I asked you about this book, when did you start to identify that you were apologizing? You could probably trace it back to 5, 6, 7 years by the time the whole process came through. And then you were ready to teach it, right?

Tammy: Probably.

Kim: And then for you personally to teach it, you have to embody it. So that’s the sort of things that we can identify. That’s what I love about Self Healing Masters, is we get to geek out about ourselves. For the first time ever, unapologetically, we get to learn more about ourselves.

Tammy: Yeah, yeah. Because I always say that when we do that, again, it flows out into everything. I think so much of my work has been because I have been able to help my boys, I have two teenage boys, be okay with who they are at their age. Not in their 40s when I deconstructed all this stuff. Literally be okay and create a life from who you are, instead of who you thought you’re supposed to be or what society tells you.

And so that is such a joy, like it’s a gift that I feel I’ve given them. And then also the people that I coach, the people who read my book. Helping people be okay with who they are, it’s such a powerful, powerful thing.

Kim: And you can tell, we signed up to break generational patterns, period. So when we get a little mopey and we start feeling like some martyrs and some victims, we just have to remind ourselves, no, we signed up to stand in this gap. We signed up for the buck stops here.

I remember when my son was like brand new, I put my hand on him and I was like, “This is it. We break these cycles. This kid will not experience what I did.” We can do that, we have the power to do that. And they reap the benefits.

Tammy: Yes.

Kim: If that’s not a huge why and an incentive, nothing is. So parents, be willing to do the work instead of, like the way I think about it is like the counselor’s office, and being in trouble at school, and getting them out of jail. It’s way more painful than, let’s do it now, let’s do it here. Because if they can come into this world and be who they are from the beginning, then they’re not going through all this healing that we’re going through right now. And I don’t think this is forever.

Tammy: Yes.

Kim: I don’t think this is forever, I think this is the gap that we stand in and are leading the way for. And for you it’s all about investigating and mastering, and then bringing that forward to the world. That’s the essence of who you are and what you bring to us.

Tammy: Yeah, yeah. Oh, I love that. And I think that now more than ever, it’s needed, right? I think that we’re seeing so much of the darkness and the shadows being exposed. And this is where we as energy healers and as coaches and people who can help hold the space for other people to get really honest and to look at their stuff, man, we are so needed right now.

Kim: Agreed. That’s my whole incentive for waking up in the morning and doing this and working. Everything that I do is really to help us to take the stand, to have the platform. Because it is time, I do agree with you. I do think it’s time.

Tammy: Yeah.

Kim: We didn’t have the information, we didn’t understand the emotional body. We didn’t understand even how the planets were affecting. We didn’t have all that because the emotional body is really just coming on board. You know, really understanding that that’s even a thing, that there’s an emotional system that’s, what do you call it, monitored or controlled with the nervous system. There’s something there.

I was at a cranial sacral practitioner and have received much cranial sacral, which I love. And it’s kind of thrown out, you know, you can’t really prove it, it’s kind of like energy work, right? Which are the most fabulous tools. They’re the best modalities. I mean, even tapping, you can’t explain how energy shifts, you can’t take a picture of that, but it does.

Tammy: Yeah, energy work has been such a huge piece for me because in part of that embodiment process, I am still amazed at what I am releasing at 50 years old that’s been trapped in my body. And I think people are just starting to wake up to the power of that. And it’s still going to take some time because modern medicine has a very different view on that. But I think that, oh my gosh, I just know for me that’s been such a healing thing to be able to release some of that and to let go of it.

Kim: And then for you in particular, not being an emotional being yet having all of these emotions clogging up that center. All that conditioning that’s in there, it’s going to take some time to let that move through. 

Back to the book, is there anything that I did not ask you that is super important in the message that you wanted to get across that you would like to share?

Tammy: I think that we, like I said in the beginning, I think that we all have something really awesome to bring to the world, whatever it is, right? It can be in just being who you are, it can be in maybe a message that you have to share. And so, so much of this book is just, again, about understanding who you are, owning it, and then no longer apologizing for it.

And so helping people do that has been so incredible to just hear the stories and to just hear people releasing some of the things, those old stories that we continue to tell ourselves that are not helpful. All they do is just weigh us down and keep us from being who we’ve been called to be in this world.

And so I just think that if more of us could be unapologetic about who we are, it can really heal and change the world.

Kim: 100%. Thank you.

Tammy: Thank you.

Kim: Thank you for writing it, for going through the disbeliefs and the fears and whatever would have gotten in your way and doing it anyway, much received here.

The last thing I’ll ask you is just is there a particular person that you work with? Is there anything in particular in your business that you wanted to offer the audience that maybe you help with specifically?

Tammy: Yeah, so I primarily market to women. I do have some men coaches, but I really I find that women typically in this midlife age of where they’ve really kind of forgotten who they are, they don’t even know what they want. They have put all of themselves into either their kids or their career. And now we’re coming to this place of where maybe you’re going to have more time, or maybe your kids aren’t going to be around.

And so a lot of the women that I help is really just to, again, come back to who you are and what you want. And then stop letting those stories kind of dictate. So deciding on purpose who you want to be, living with intention. I host a podcast called Intentional Life, which is all about just deciding on purpose how you want to show up in the world.

And so I do have younger clients as well, but it’s really just helping women to get out of their own way. And to, again, become more unapologetic in who they are.

Kim: Okay, so we will list the podcast, the website, and the book below if anyone is interested in contacting Tammy, and I just want to thank you for coming on.

Thanks for listening to this episode of More Than Mindset.