Ep #80: What Her Brain Wants

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Hello and welcome back to the show. Guys, this week was all about my kids, my grandkids, my babies. They are not babies anymore. We had first communion for Parker Joules, he is number five. I’ll give them numbers, it may be easier to keep track. And yesterday we had confirmation with Remy who is number one and that is in more ways than one. He is very adamant about staying number one. And we had an announcement, baby number 12. What? It’s so good, number one, number five and number 12, got all of the attention this week.

This is a big deal, I have to tell you we have had some rocky years and what kept me – well, us in the fight was this family. The one thing I’ve always wanted was to belong, to be a part of, to be connected to a cause that was greater than myself. And you can imagine the differences when considering 12 adults and almost 12 babies, that’s a big old bag of Skittles. It’s like 23.2 hot messes, and worth every bit of figuring out. And so since we were so determined to figure it out, guess what, we did, because you always create what you want.

And as my coach tells me, “Kim, you know you like to take the scenic route.” So it may have taken us longer than it had to because we like the scenic, route, this is true in more ways than one. When we travel, we don’t typically travel the interstate, we usually take the back roads.

So that’s what I want to share with you this week. This is what I was looking for when I read the dozens of books on marriage and took multiple courses and programs. One day I’ll have to share with you some of the shenanigans. But it’ll likely have to be in person, so there’s no replay and it can’t be used against me.

Already when we get together with the family there’s lots of laughter, lots of errors that happened, and the survival stories, that’s really what was going on last night. We had stories going all the way back like 20 something years. And all of the things that mom did, that was the theme, so got a lot of stories.

So let’s talk about what she wants, for those of you who caught last week, we talked about, first of all two weeks it was what does your brain want? And then last week I talked about what does his want brain want? And this week, what does her brain want? I’m actually considering next week maybe we’ll talk about what the kids’ brain wants. That might be a good topic. And not only what does your brain want, what does her brain want, but how to make this work.

And I do want to put a little plug in, if that’s what you want to do, because I am for she who wants to stay and she who wants to go. So I’m going to be clear on that. I was both and very often at the same time. I don’t know if any of you have felt that, but I really didn’t want to stick it out, I really didn’t want to stay and I really didn’t want to leave. And that was torture to be in the conflict and the indecision to want something so badly and not see the possibility and potentiality of it. So this work is what helped me get clear so that I could decide. So that’s what I want to offer you.

So here we go. What she wants. This was a game changer, when I realized that our brains function differently, seriously. It’s as if we were playing football and then all of a sudden we changed sports and we were like riding bikes or playing golf, like something that was, like we switched from this offence and defense, binging, banging, running, dodging to easy breezy flow. Just flowing through life, checking out the scenery, compared to beating each other up, and it’s so different; It’s like night and day now.

And I’m also going to say I understand if that sounds frustrating, and if that sounds like it’s impossible for you. But, guys, you would have to know all of the stories, we came very close to not fulfilling this, many times. So I want to help you to see that the reason it could be so hard is because you could maybe not be understanding, not really see the differences and embracing that.

So I think if I would have known this early on that it would have been a game changer, but I wouldn’t be here passionately sharing this with you guys. It is what it is and I’m fine with how it worked and with the knowledge and wisdom that I gained through the experience and what we taught our children in the process.

So once I was able to see how I wanted – this is the funny part, I wanted him to be like me. I wanted him to think like me, to play like me. I wanted him to want to feel free. I don’t know. It’s just like I thought he should want what I wanted. He should want to do what I want. He should think like I think. He should – he was inflexible, I told you all this last week. I had so much judgment and comparison about how I thought he should be and how I compared that to myself. And we’re nothing alike, by the way, and that’s for your person also.

So it’s like there was this big lift off of my shoulders and my mind when I realized. I had this clarity and relief, and things suddenly felt easy. I was able to see him. I was able to identify what he needed, what he was trying to get from the relationship, what he was being, just how he was functioning different than I. It wasn’t that we were raised in different households, which I thought that was the problem. It wasn’t because of his previous marriage. It wasn’t because of his previous experiences at all, but that’s what my mind thought, that’s what my intellect thought.

And so this allowed me to not only see him, but it gave me permission to see myself. And I think that was just as big of a shift as recognizing who he was and how he functions, and then being able to turn that and recognize what I needed to see myself as. It’s like I couldn’t see it because I was in such defense and I had this really deep story going about him. And what I thought about him and being inflexible and rigid, and I had all these words, black and white and he was all boxed in, hardheaded, those were all my stories.

So once I realized that the male brain is really about procreating, protecting, providing, pleasing, and problem solving. I was like heck, yeah, I am all in, let’s do it. That sounds amazing. And that’s exactly what he does. And it works for me. It was truly about, I was not able to see it, I had this defense going, I had a story going, so I couldn’t see what he was because all I could see is what I had made up about what he wasn’t. So that’s the review of what he wants. And the reason why I think it works now is because now I know what I want and they kind of work together.

So if you didn’t listen to last week, go back and listen to it so that you know what he wants. And I describe it all, and some things that you may be doing that’s actually having him feel unsafe, because he’s not getting those needs met. He’s not able to be that person, that protects, that provides, that pleases, that problem solves because we emasculate them. We have some hard heads us women.

So anyway this is what we want, what women want, what I want. We want to feel safe. We want to feel stability. We want support. We want a sounding board, and we want to feel sexy. So let’s talk about each one.

Safety, the thing that I felt most unsafe about is when he would shut down, not approach me or not confront me, because I was being the bully. I was emasculating, I was doing half of that stuff on the list. And so he was afraid to approach me. I was unapproachable. So it wasn’t that he was ignoring me, not talking to me, or shunning me. I was not approachable, I was on the defense. I was the one who put up the block. I was the one that was hissing like a cat, you better back off buddy. He knew better than to come around me.

Those of you who know me, know I put out pretty strong energy and I’m telling you, it was so backwards in my brain. I was like he is rejecting me, he’s abandoning me. He’s ignoring me. But he was scared of me. I didn’t realize that he was sensitive. I didn’t realize, this is insane that I’m even talking about this. Anyway let’s move to the next one.

So, well, first of all she wants to feel safe. And shutting her down, being angry with her, not speaking to her does not feel safe. It feels very scary. It feels very isolating. And I promise you, what we are thinking in our head is way worse than what you would actually tell us. So are you willing – if there’s any guys listening to this, are you willing to have the conversation? And for those who are listening, seriously have this conversation with your wife, because I had the conversation with my husband. I said, “Is this true, are these the things that you want?”

And by the way, I did ask him tonight what he figured out about me but he was tired and he wouldn’t, he told me to ask him tomorrow. But it’s too late, I have to record tonight. So talk to her, don’t be afraid to have a confrontational conversation to communicate that actually leaving her out in the cold to wonder in her own brain is way scarier than what you could possibly tell her.

The second thing is about stability. So that closing down and shying away from conversation does not feel stable. We do not feel safe, we do not feel grounded. We don’t know what the hell is going on. And we have all of this stuff going on in our brain, worst case scenarios, where am I going to live? How am I going to support myself? What about the kids, they’re going to be so disappointed. All of that stuff is going through our head when we do not feel safe and stable. So knowing what you’re upset about or what you want to talk about, or what we’ve done, be willing to have the conversation with us.

And the third thing is support. So, “Yes, I agree with you hun.” That’s about all it takes is, “Yes, I see you. I hear you, maybe I agree with you.” That might be a push for some of it. But we just want support, we just want to be heard and know that you’re on our side. And I really started saying that, “What if he is on my side? What if he wants this family as much as I do? What if he wants me? What if he loves me? What if he wants this to work, what if?”

And I really just dropped that guard and I was willing to consider that he wanted this to work too. And especially since he’s been here for 30 years, I thought that’s a pretty good indication. If I was stacking evidence, I would find that that’s quite a bit of evidence.

Anyway, the other one is the sounding board. And so that is we really don’t want advice, we don’t you to tell us what to do, just like you don’t want us to tell you. We just want you to listen, tap us on the shoulder, pat us on the head, nod, yes. Put the TV on mute, okay, put the TV on mute or turn it off and just look and just agree. It won’t take long, I promise you, probably about 90 seconds. So I’m talking like there’s a lot of men listening to this. I’m pretty sure that there’s more women listening to it, but you can get him to listen while you guys are on the way somewhere or something.

So the sounding board is really important because first of all we don’t trust you. We think you should think like us so we are not really sure that we want your advice, so just know that, we just want you to hear us.

And the sexy part, this one’s a little tricky because the funny part is that some of us have turned this off because we’ve been told that it’s wrong, that we should not be showing anything. We shouldn’t be wanting. It’s wrong for women to desire sex, or to desire intimacy or closeness, or that’s what society has taught us. It’s what religion has taught us. It’s generational patterning. And it breaks one of the very first rules which is we want to feel safe.

So with all of that stuff we have been told and that’s like our brain is filled with that being wrong, that it’s actually turning off that feminine power that’s within us that’s, you know, that drive, that it’s in our femininity. I’m laughing, because one of my clients says I always get that word wrong, and I should get it right. So I’m sure she’s going to be listening to this. But it’s that we need it, we want it, but we’re afraid of it and we don’t feel safe. And there is this – I don’t want to use the word ‘block’ but I think it’s because it challenges the safety and the stability, and also the support.

So if you’ve been told – I’m talking to the women now, if you’ve been told that it’s wrong to adore your body, love your body, to come on to him, all that kind of stuff, that’s going to be a conflict right here. So this is just something to notice that yes, we do want to feel sexy and desired. We want to be kissed passionately. We want to be – come in the limo and blow the horn and come and get us down from the fourth floor kind of thing. The problem is we don’t feel safe.

And so if this is you I think just be willing to explore just for yourself what sexy would look like. Just do the work around the shame and around the stories, like I’m saying, the generational patternings, the religious dogma, all of the things that we’ve been told about sex, and about desire, and about passion. Be willing to question all of that.

So I’m going to repeat these. We really want to feel safe, so please tell your guy, “Talk to me, it’s okay, I won’t scratch you or hiss at you, I’m willing to listen, it’s really important to me that you talk to me whenever you’re angry or upset, or when I’ve done something. Because what I’m thinking is actually worse than what you could possibly tell me.” So that also challenges what I need.

Second of all is the stability, and so if you’re not talking to me, if you’ve closed down, if you’ve shied away from the conversation and you’ve pulled away from me then I’m not going to feel safe or stable. And my brain is going to go to how can I support myself and then we get defensive, and then we start looking for how can we support ourself, and that is when we emasculate.

Because we don’t want to depend on you, we’re afraid to be vulnerable, we’re afraid to let our guard down and we don’t, you know, if we don’t feel safe and we don’t feel stable, then our brain is going to be looking for how can I support myself. And then we turn off all of those things that he wants which is he wants to protect, he wants to provide, he wants to problem solve, and our brain is busy doing it for ourself because we’re in the defense because we don’t feel safe and stable.

And the third thing was support, just agree with us, just look at us, turn the TV on mute and say, “Yes hun, yes hun, yes hun.” And then be the sounding board which is just kind of just listen, don’t give advice. And I understand, yeah, I’m telling you, that’s all it takes, a pat on the shoulder, a little rub on the hair, I get it, I get you, I see you, I hear you. And then a little pat on the butt would be nice.

So just guys, if you’re listening to this, this is super simple, just like listening to you is super simple. Girls, ask for this, “I need to feel safe, I need to feel stable, I need to feel supported, I need you to listen to me, be my sounding board and I need to feel sexy.” It’s really not that hard, it’s going to be a game changer for everything if this is what you want. And again, if you don’t, then you’re going to need to know this or want to know this for yourself regardless.

And so do the work for you and just watch how the energy of the relationship changes. When you drop your guard and you allow him to be him, to protect, to provide, to please, to problem solve, when you allow him to do that. And you are looking at the gratitude and the appreciation for him doing that, it’s going to rock your world.

Okay, so with that said, let’s get down to some actionable steps. So number one is just being present, being aware of the differences and being in appreciation of the differences. Because guys, really who wants all brown M&Ms when you can have Skittles? We want the variety. We don’t want to be married to ourself. That would suck. We need the variety because that offers challenges and growth, and that’s what we’re here to do, we’re here to evolve.

So the second step is to just question your story, where did it come from, the societal conditioning, the generational patterns, the religious dogma, your neighbor’s beliefs, where did this stuff come from? Why do you believe that he has to be that way or he has to be like you, or you’re supposed to be best friends, or he should like to do what you like to do? Where did all that crap come from? Be willing to question all of that stuff, unravel it.

And then catch yourself in the old habits and behaviors when you are emasculating, when you are putting him down. And how that is really just a defense for what you’re not feeling.

So if you notice that you are doing some of the things that we mentioned in last week’s episode, if you notice you’re not allowing him to help your – like I’ll just do it myself or I can’t depend on you for anything. If you’re doing any of that stuff, that’s habit and behavior and just notice, stop and ask yourself, why am I doing that? Why would I want to do that? I guarantee you it’s going to come down to I’m not feeling safe, I’m not feeling supported and stable, so I am needing to do that for myself.

I can’t depend on you, I can’t trust you and then you take his role and that’s where things get flipped upside down. So if you can catch the old habits and behaviors, like that wanting to complain and say things mindlessly and kind of have that hiss, so that he doesn’t approach you, you all, we have to take credit for that, it’s powerful.

Once you catch those things just say the word like change or in a rut, or that’s not me, that’s old habit, just catch yourself. And then once you’ve done those first steps, you’ve noticed, you’ve unraveled the story, you’ve questioned it and then you change the habit and behavior, stop, change, pivot. Then you envision the future that you want. How is it when he shows up the way you want him to show up, when he’s protecting, when he’s providing, when he’s pleasing, when he’s problem solving?

How do you feel when he is being that person? Because I’m telling you, when I noticed it and I was like, oh heck, yeah, I’m all in, I want all of that. That’s perfect, I love that he’s offering all of that. As soon as I did that I was able to envision him as in that gratitude and appreciation. And then I just grew that feeling, I grew that appreciation, I grew that what I was envisioning in my mind, I started feeling viscerally in my body. And I just became her who is in gratitude, who is in appreciation. I did that in the here and now.

And then I committed to being her who loves and accepts now. I feel that way now. And basically I was oozing in appreciation for how I felt, not even for who he is and what he does, but how I felt when he’s that person, when I allow him to be that protector, and provider, and pleaser, and problem solver. How do I feel knowing that I am safe and stable, and supported? That’s where I went to is the feeling that it created in my own body.

And then catching those old sneaky behaviors as soon as it kind of drips in, you’re like, go back to I choose and commit to being her who loves and accepts now. I love the way appreciation feels in my body, I love feeling safe. I love feeling stable and supported. And so it’s just a matter of pivoting back and forth into those.

So those are the steps is you want to notice, you want to unveil the story, you want to change the habit and behavior, you want to envision the way you want the relationship to look and then you want to come into appreciation, gratitude for it now. And stay there because that’s really all you’re looking for is that stability and safety.

Okay, so that is what I have for you this week. And I guess I shouldn’t commit, but I kind of like the idea of what do our children want, because then we can work on this with the whole entire family. So if you want to do some of these exercises with us or do the meditation with us that we’re doing every morning Monday through Friday, come into the More Than Mindset group. We’ve got a really good support system there. We’re doing all of this work.

We are teaching the Punch-Line Approach this week, which is the book that I wrote, so we’re doing a book study. Regardless when you hear this, just go ahead and come in because we’ll have that recorded, you’ll be able to catch the replay if you’re a couple of weeks late or something. But that’s going to go on for a few weeks, we’re going to just take one chapter at a time and we’re going to do the whole entire process.

And it’s basically the manual for creating the change in your life that you really want, and how to do it experientially. So we’re going to be going through this whole entire process, that’s the foundation of the group, it’s basically the language of the land. And this is who I am, what I do, how I live, this is the practice that I continue to do every single day, the same thing with my coaches and clients, it’s just who we are now.

We want to support other people in this process because it has been life changing for us, for our relationships, our money stories. We’re breaking through all of that old stuff, all of these societals, conditioning, and patterning, and this religious stuff. We’ve really broken through all of that and come to a very beautiful, safe, easy, flowy existence, I’ll say, and the meditation practice that we’re doing together. It’s a great group. We’re getting super close and having some really amazing experiences in there.

And again, I’m about to make a really big announcement to you guys moving forward, we’re going to be doing this work in a very beautiful way really, really soon. So I’ll be announcing that in the next couple of weeks. So, come on over to the More Than Mindset group, I’d love to meet you.

Thanks for listening to this episode of More than Mindset.