Ep #79: What His Brain Wants

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Hey, guys and welcome back to the show. My grandbabies started school yesterday, so out here in Louisiana in St. Landry Parish, at a private school, this is what’s happening up in my world, and a half a day yesterday, a full day today, I will be checking on them in as soon as I’ve finished this to see how it’s going.

And I talked to the parents this morning and they said it’s a little awkward, it’s a little weird, it’s different, lots of things have changed. But they feel it’s in the best interest for the kids and the school feels the same and I’m trusting that everyone knows exactly what they need and that they are trusting themselves.

So just that, I’m just documenting kind of how this whole thing is flowing and going. I personally am stopping home, not doing much outside of my online work. And not even, I haven’t even spent much time in the yard this past couple of weeks.

So that’s it, I’ve just been brewing up a lot of new stuff, I can’t wait to share with you in the next few couple of weeks, I will be ready to announce what I have going on, it’s so good, just going to tell you that.

Anyway, today we’re going to be talking about relationships. So this is something my clients and I talk a lot about, the integrative healing approach that I teach is about health, wealth and relationships. So health, mental, emotional, physical. Wealth, the ability to earn, to create, to save, to take care of yourself, to be empowered by your money.

And relationships, and by relationships we are talking about all relationships, relationship with yourself, your spirituality, relationship with your coworkers, with your family, with your partner. All relationships suffer when we have unresolved issues, these traumas or stories are repressed emotions in our body. Relationships create opportunity for these things to be triggered.

And so it’s really tricky when we’re talking about relationships. So I want to spend some time really dialing in and talking about some things that you can maybe do a little bit different or have a different perspective of. So that’s what I want to share with you today is relationships with men specifically.

So let me tell you a little bit about my experience. I spent the better part of 30 years trying to figure out how to stay married. Now, listen, my dude is pretty solid, and that was very unfamiliar for me. I did not have experience of the normal family setup, so I didn’t really have anything to refer to or to go back on when I was trying to problem solve. I didn’t really have any history to problem solve the way that I wanted to work on my own relationships.

I watched clients over the years, I asked a lot of questions and Lord have mercy, did I read some books. Guys, I read books on relationships, on conversation, you name it, I’ve been reading books for 30 years. What I didn’t realize is that the issue was in my head, it was in my story, it was my inner dialogue. I had this crappy concept about men were buttholes and I just didn’t have a pleasant experience to go back on so that I could think or feel differently. So it’s just the dialogue I was taught, it was what I saw.

Even my friends’ parents or even clients and what I was seeing that was happening in their lives in their relationships. It was like none of that was really inspiring, it’s not really what I wanted to experience. So I did a lot of research on this.

I was young when I met my husband, I was 20 years old, I had a six month old baby, I was a single mom. I didn’t have a very positive outlook about life in general, I really didn’t know what I was doing. I didn’t have experience to replicate, to copy, and I wasn’t really sure where to turn. Now, this guy didn’t have much of a chance, my heart was really closed off, I was not trusting, I was not open, I didn’t want to be vulnerable. I had a lot of shame and, yeah, we made it, 30 plus years and we all live to tell about it.

Now we have five grown kids and nearly a dozen grandbabies to pass on our experience to. And I’m super stoked about that, it’s something that I wish I would have had. And we talk a lot, we work out with our grown children in the morning, we’re together at least one time a week, all of us. We have lots of conversations about relationship and I feel like my grandchildren have a really good shot at doing things differently.

I want to talk about some of the things that really shifted my perception with healing relationship, because that’s really what all of this is about is how can we heal our life, heal our inner dialogue, our perception. The belief system that we have been taught, that’s been handed down, that doesn’t work for us, how can we heal that so that we can have better health, wealth and relationships?

So this is going to be part one of a two part series. It’s how to create more intimacy and connection with your man or with men. This week it’s understanding men and how their brains are different, why we struggle and why we create exactly what we don’t want. And how can we turn it around? This was a game changer for me and for my clients. I’m going to talk about the things that we do that we most likely do unconsciously, don’t even recognize that it’s really sabotaging our relationships. And it’s creating disconnection and distance rather than intimacy and connection.

And so I think it was huge for me to be able to see men and the way they think and understand and do things that was so different from how I viewed them. Because I had judgment in comparison, my relatable stories just were not great, it wasn’t great information, there was a lot of negativity. And I really didn’t have those examples to think differently and no one was telling me different. So I am super excited to be able to share this. I think it has been a game change for my clients working with their clients.

And it’s coming, this particular stuff I’m going to read today is coming from Alison Armstrong’s book, The Queen’s Code. And it’s really how women emasculate men, that’s what I’m going to talk about. So I’m going to read this checklist and I want to offer you to just really be open to listening. Actually if you’re a bit defensive and you’re not loving on your man right now, you may not like this, I’m just going to say. You really want to be out of resistance and be open and curious and kind of wonder, I wonder if I have done that.

So I’m going to read the checklist very slowly and just let it sit there for a moment and ask yourself, have I done this? Have I withheld appreciation? Do I withhold admiration? Do I withhold participation? Do I withhold sex? See if it’s possible that maybe you don’t let him impress you or that you compare unfavorably by being impressed by someone else. Get curious about maybe it’s true that you don’t trust him, that you assume insincerity. Another thing to look at is maybe not needing them for anything important to you, or being disinterested in their passions.

Do you complain? Do you mother your man, checking in on him over and over, treating him like a five year old? Do you expect him to act the same as us, as girls, as women? This was a big one for me, I’m like, why can’t he just be like me? And I’m sure he’s thinking the same thing. Ask yourself if you have experienced not letting him help you or demeaning his ability, his earning abilities, blowing off his suggestions and ideas? Have you ignored him, criticized him or interrupted him, maybe rolled your eyes or made scoffing sounds? Are you impatient?

Do you take over something that you gave him to do? I was really bad about that one. I’ll just do it myself. Do you shut down his storytelling? And you can go back and listen to this again and just kind of ask yourself. But you’ll know right away if you do this, withholding appreciation, admiration, conversation, just assuming the worst that, you know, the insincerity or that you don’t really trust him. It’s so subtle we do these things, it’s just part of the human condition that we doubt and we don’t trust.

We don’t feel safe and we make it out about them, we take stuff personally. And it’s really what is creating disconnection and it’s that disconnection, that separation that we’re craving to fill that gap with so that we want to be on the same page, wouldn’t you agree? So when this happens, when we do any of these things, he may have reactions like keeping his distance instead of seeking more intimacy.

He may compete with you to relate but it’s relating from a place of fear instead of a place from love. When castrated we’ll say, or emasculated, he experiences rage or fury which is very often unexpressed.

Everything about women can overwhelm men, because of how sensitive they are to women, because of how fascinated, and nurtured, and enlivened, and inspired they are by women. Because of how men need women, men are nurtured, literally fed energy merely by being in the presence of a centered woman. They do not need to pay attention to her for it to matter that she is there. Because if she is happy they are getting recharged.

Guys, tell me what you think about this. This is my paraphrase, I’m going to make a disclaimer here because that is the actual what came from Alison Armstrong, The Queen’s Code, if this is something you want to read more about. She also has some stuff on YouTube, here’s what I realized through other readings and this one and, you know, kind of just doing a summary of what I’ve come to realize in these 30 years.

Because I, more than anything else, I wanted this relationship to work. I wanted it to be easy. I wanted it to be my rock, my solidity, my anchor. And at the same time I wanted friendship and there was so often that we just were not friends, we just didn’t relate to the same things. We don’t like the same things, we don’t think the same way. He’s 11 years older than I, he was raised differently, he had a mom and dad in the house, for one thing, I didn’t. I had a lot of distrust towards people.

And I would notice, I was kind of like watching and I would see where he was so solid and it would make me so mad. Because I was all over the place and what it was is I was just desperately needing him to see me and to connect with me.

But what I couldn’t see is that I had this story, I had this illusion and this was idea that was not what he was. And that was actually blocking me from being able to receive. And I mean I was seeing it, I knew I wanted it but I didn’t know how to get it, it was unattainable, and it was the resistance, it was the inner dialogue in myself, that I was so defensive. I wasn’t able to receive what was there and I didn’t really fully believe in it, I didn’t really believe I could trust him.

Now, listen, guys, it’s been 30 years, I’ve done a lot of things in these 30 years, I’ve tried a lot of things. I was sick for a long time and he’s still there but I couldn’t see that. All I could see is what was running with the inner dialogue, that I couldn’t trust him and that all men were buttholes and they were selfish.

And when I think about it now, what I was thinking about him and all of these things that I was doing that was driving the wedge and to how I see him today is completely different. I used to think he was so inflexible, and rigid, and just so had to do things like black or white and he just wasn’t any fun. That was my main thing, he wasn’t fun.

Now we get up in the morning, we work out and I’m like, oh my God, he’s so solid, he’s so dependable, balanced. I want to be like him some days, I say that, he’s inspiring me now. And it came from realizing that men, their brain is looking at, it’s like made up to do these – I’m going to say five things, and when I realized this, changed everything.

Their brains are created to procreate, that’s just something on their mind is to procreate, it’s very natural, it’s just how they’re geared, And to provide, provide for their family, to protect their family. They are natural problem solvers and they aim to please. My disclaimer is this is what I have come to realize, I’m not saying that that came from the book, but some of it has. But this is what I noticed is it’s really the, provide, protect, problem solve I think was the thing, the game changer for me.

And so everything he was doing like locking the doors would annoy me. I was so aggravated with that, I was like, “We could hold prisoners over here because we lock everything up and I’m not like that.” And I’m like, “He’s actually geared, like he’s made to do this, to protect us.” This is how he provides, he provides safety, he provides income, he provides.

The problem solving I think was the other thing too. I used to think that his rigidity, he was just being rigid and no fun, he was not playful and I made that everything wrong about him. And I didn’t realize it was just the way that he solved problems, he can only do one thing at a time, that’s just the way his brain works, he’s like really simple. And here I am sending two paragraphs of text telling him what I want instead of one sentence. He could understand one sentence.

But when we start rationalizing, and complaining, and comparing, they can’t hear us anymore because it’s not how their brain works, they are not us. They are driven by testosterone, they are more single minded. We are driven by estrogen, we are more flowery and we just give so many more details than we need to. And when I realized that wait, hold on, I’m trying to make him like me. I’m trying to make him think like me. I’m trying to make him act like me.

I’m trying to make him my friend, to come onboard and be my BFF and come and hangout with the girls. And that’s not who he is. But I’m like wait a minute, if he just procreates, provides, protects, problem solves and pleases, if I just tell him he does a good job at all this, that’s it? Yes, the answer is yes guys, you have to try this. I truly am inspired by he’s going to work every single day and provided for us and didn’t complain about it. And he washes his truck on a regular basis, he now is doing shopping, and cooking, and laundry.

And I’m blown away at all I was looking at in the past was the negativity and everything that I thought was wrong with him. And now all I can see is that he just wanted to do his part and he wanted to be seen for that. He wanted to know that he was pleasing, that he was doing what he was created to do. And as soon as I started recognizing that, it’s crazy. It’s crazy, it’s crazy, it’s crazy.

So I’m going to ask you if you are doing any of these things, if you are withholding, if you are assuming insincerity, if you are complaining, if you are mothering, if you’re trying to get him to be like the girls. And if you don’t let him help and you’re always telling him what he’s doing wrong and you’re like, “You know what, I’ll just do it myself.” And you’re not allowing him to play his part, to provide, to protect, to problem solve and to please, just give it a try. Just try it a couple of days, just like that.

It just changed, as soon as my perception changed, everything changed. And I wish I’d have known this stuff 20 years ago, I didn’t, I didn’t, I didn’t. But I was able to put together everything that I’ve learned with this and the experience that we have today and it’s amazing.

So I want to say a little bit about the please part because I find this kind of funny. Guys, we know they really want to please because if they cook or they do something they’re like, “Do you like it? Do you like it? So do you like it?” I’m like, “Yes, we like it, it’s fine, it’s good, it’s great.” But that gives you the indication that they really do. Just start watching for this and see if you can notice that they just need to be told that they’re doing a great job. “Thank you for protecting me. Thank you for solving the problem.” Matter of fact; give him a problem to solve.

Last week I had a tease brush and I broke the end of it because I was opening a pack of toothpaste and it clipped off the end. And I just put on the counter, I was like, “Hey, can you superglue this for me?” He does such a good job. Just give them something to solve, let them help you and see how it works for you. If you’re coming to the More Than Mindset group let us know how this is working.

So I want to give you steps to do. So first of all be aware where you may be doing some of these things, and where you may not be recharging him by being aware of the things that he’s doing. Just say thank you, just notice, when you change your energy and you start looking at what you do like about him, everything’s going to shift in him, you don’t even have to say a word. Just change your perception and start appreciating him, just feeling appreciation is going to change it, I promise you.

So, the first thing is just to be aware that you’re doing it and notice that when you give up emasculating or castrating men, it forever frees up space for yourself and it leads to more connection with them. Could we just let them be them and let us be us? That’s what I want to leave you with. Just being in the awareness of let’s just give it up, let’s just try it, let’s see if it clears up some space for us and it leads to more connection, just willing to be surprised if this works.

So the second thing is to really notice when you’re doing it, what is coming up for you? So when you are comparing him to someone else or when you’re not letting him finish the job, or when you just want to do it yourself, what’s really driving that? What’s the thought that’s driving that action? What’s the feeling that you’re having? Are you feeling unsafe? Are you feeling unmet, unseen? Are you not getting what you want when you want it?

And that’s the action that you take, that’s the awareness and the enquiry that you have to ask yourself. First you notice that you’re doing it and then second, you notice what was coming up for me that created this scenario. Was I judging him or was I really just feeling unsafe and insecure? And then that is what made me feel a certain way and then I took that action which was just an old habit and behavior.

So try to notice whatever it is that’s coming up for you, are you trying to manipulate? Are you going back to old behavior and pattern? Were you trying to manipulate but you’re not seeing that that old way is not working? Just notice that, when you’re feeling unsafe, when you’re feeling unmet, when you’re not getting what you want, when you want it, are you trying to control, maneuver the situation? And once you ask yourself that, if you are, just tell yourself, that was just learned behavior, I realize now that doesn’t work. So that’s the second step.

The third step is do not justify having emasculated a man, in other words, when you catch yourself rationalizing your behavior, just stop, just apologize, just stop right there. Don’t, like remember they are just thinking of one thing so just be really simple. You can be apologetic, but say it in one sentence, don’t go into rationalizing, explaining, excusing. You just catch yourself and you’re, “Oops, sorry about that.” And then move on.

Don’t go on, and on, and on, and try to apologize and try to beg for forgiveness, he will recover. He may be a bit vulnerable but he is not fragile. So your third step is do not justify, explain, rationalize, and all of that stuff. Just catch yourself, stop, apologize, move on.

The fourth step is you want to create the vision of what you do want. So see he him as the man you respect and appreciate. And then imagine what it would feel like when he is that way. And then I want you to be that now. So in other words, be in appreciation and he will be the person you treat him as, guys, this is so good.

And then the fifth step is just choose to believe that this is possible and commit to it and then just be in that space now, be in appreciation now.

So I’ll repeat the steps for you is first you want to be aware, hopefully after today you are aware of what you may be doing. You want to completely give up on emasculating men forever so that it frees up space for yourself and it leads to the connection that you really want.

The second step is you want to notice when you’re doing it, what is coming up for you? What’s the thought that is driving the feeling and the action? And be very careful that you’re not trying to manipulate and control, and doing things the old way.

So the third step is don’t justify, rationalize, excuse, explain and all of that stuff, just catch yourself, stop, move on. And just know that he’s going to recover.

The fourth step is you want to create the vision that this has already happened and you want to see him as the man that you respect and appreciate, the man who wants to provide, protect, problem solve, please, let him be that. Please, just let him be the man. And also appreciate him that right now, starting right now, change your perception and just start seeing him as that. And what will happen is when you start treating him that way he will become that way.

And the last thing is just choose and commit to be in that space, right now, don’t go any further with the old story. Don’t try to excuse it or explain it, or he’s that way because, just let it go, let it be in the past and never bring it into your relationship again. Just from this moment forward allow him to provide, protect, problem solve and please, and be in appreciation for him doing that the way that he does it.

Alright, that’s what I’ve got for you. Just come into the More Than Mindset group, guys, you’ve got to come over. We’re having so much fun in there. Alright, until next week.

Thanks for listening to this episode of More than Mindset.