Ep #87: Write a New Ending

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Hey there, welcome back to the show. Guys, you’ll never believe this. We have another hurricane and it’s coming straight to Louisiana. Aargh, that’s how I feel. Delta is pointing straight at us. So here we go again, hunker down, getting present, unpacking the resistance and allowing what is to be. That’s it, that’s what we’ve got. I mean seriously, what else can we do? Let it come, that’s it.

So today I want to talk about how this relates to life in general especially in relationships. So there’s new storms always coming. With enough time, change will happen. It’s just how it is, our wants, needs, desires, our health, all of that changes with age and experience. So just like we do when it’s a hurricane, storm, or whatever is happening in life we can do in our relationships. Remember how we do anything is how we do everything. Hunker down, get present, unpack the resistance and allow change to come.

It’s really about how do you want to experience it. So we already know that the more time we spend together, most likely more changes we’ll have because it’s just what happens with time. And that’s the challenge to relationships, it’s really tricky. Relationships are just a mirror, it’s just projections and reflections, but we take that shit personally. We take everything personally.

So how relationships change over the course of time also depends on if we both agree to change. The problem is we get so attached and we are conditioned to familiarity. We want things to stay familiar, comfortable, safe, keep it like it is. Let’s not rock the boat, we got this far. We don’t give ourself grace and space to change our mind. We become inflexible. And to admit when it’s working or when it’s not working, that’s really hard for us as we really don’t want to take a good honest look at what’s not working because we’re so afraid.

And if we can give ourself the grace and the space, and we can take a good honest look and evaluate, yeah, this is how it was 20 years ago, this is how it was five years ago. Hell, this is how it was two days ago before the storm, before Covid, before 2020, whatever it was. If we can give ourself grace and space, and I’ll say it’s vulnerability, that’s the hardest thing is to really be vulnerable, daring and courageous to look things in the eye, to reevaluate, to see if the standards that we set still apply. So that we quit trying to hold on to what was even beyond its expiration date.

So what I want to do is offer you a new way to see things, maybe a new lens to look through. What if this is the beginning of the end of what has been? Just think about that for a moment, just to look at it differently. If this were the beginning of the end of what has been, then what? Notice how the mind just goes silent, maybe even a bit crazy.

Because here’s the thing, relationships do end all of the time. As we grow and evolve, even embrace our higher purpose, we become different people. So it may not look like physical divorce or physical separation, but I can tell you this for sure, we are not the same people.

Our friendships change, career, we lose people in our life, we grieve differently, our bodies are different, our weight is different. The way we see ourself is different. We are not the same people that we started off as. And if you are, there might be something you need to take a look at. If you are the same exact person you may want to consider that you might have some work to do.

Anyway this is what I want to offer you. Are you willing to rewrite the rules, the agreement, change the way you play according to the new standards, or allow the space to move on? I know that sounds crazy, especially if you believe in till death do us part, because it seems a little risky to say, “Well, maybe we can move on. Maybe we can give each other the space to see how we’ve grown and changed. Maybe the agreement we made when we were 20 years old doesn’t apply anymore.” Sometimes that happens.

What if it’s death of what was, then what? What if it’s not physical death, just like it’s not physical divorce, or a physical separation? What if it’s just the death of what was, the agreement that was, the standard that was set back in the day that changed? If we weren’t conditioned to believe changing the rules was a bad thing, then what, if you didn’t believe that divorce was sinful, then what? Or what if you didn’t believe that forever were just a mental construct? What if it’s just the perception, the truth that we saw things as when we made that commitment?

We recognize now as we’re older that the things we said when we were teenagers, or 20, or even 30, it doesn’t apply anymore because the circumstance doesn’t relate. It’s new rules to a new game, it’s all different. But we don’t allow ourself the space and grace. Let us off of the hook, let other people off of the hook, be willing to trust and see that sometimes it’s about rewriting the rules. And so it’s not necessarily pack your bags, get the hell out of here.

Sometimes it’s just pack up the attitude; let’s maybe take a look at who we’ve been. Maybe we don’t even know who we are because we’re just behaving as the other person wants us to. If we weren’t conditioned to believe that changing the rules was bad then what would we do? What if we saw forever was just a mental construct, it was just a way we understood the word ‘forever’? Seriously, just explore here, give yourself permission to enquire, to unpack what you believed then and what you know now. Question everything. How is this working? How is it not working?

And here’s a little questionnaire that you can use that I use this with my clients with almost everything. What do you want? So just think about, what do you want in your relationship? How do you want this partnership to look? What are you doing to get it, the thing that you want, what are you doing to get it? Is it working? And what could you do differently if it’s not? That’s it, four simple questions. What do you want? What are you doing to get it? Is it working? And what could you change?

And the reason I’m asking this is when I say what do you want, when was the last time you evaluated your relationship and asked if it’s what you want or if it was just a habit? When was the last time you sat down with your partner and discussed, “Hey, let’s look at how things are going?” If you were working in corporate they would be doing an evaluation. Let’s see what your progress was last year. Let’s see what you’ve contributed to the company.

So you could sit down with your partner and do the same thing like, “Hey, how did we do last year? Let’s evaluate this. What could we change? What’s worked? What hasn’t worked?” But so many of us are afraid to bring this up, we’re afraid to talk about it, one or the other, or sometimes both doesn’t want to go there.

They’re so afraid of change because they’ve been told it’s a bad thing, you shouldn’t change. You should keep things just like they are. That’s the promise we made. You’ve got to stick to your word. You better stay committed. But guys, that’s the problem, we’re not the same people.

And here’s the hard news to handle, when we are living out of alignment in these outdated contracts, we are creating a breeding ground for resentment and oppression. When we deny our desires and truth to be told, we are causing disease in our body and life. Our physical body begins to break down, our health deteriorates. We start dying to ourself instead of taking an honest look at what has died in our relationships.

This is a big deal. It’s worthy of discussing, because if you have disease and illness, chronic pain in your body, chances are you have something that has died or is dying in your relationship. I tell you, it’s hard news to handle. We are so used to suppressing and we walk around oppressed, and our systems, the systems of our body don’t function when we are oppressed, when we are suppressing emotion.

When we are repressing, our system doesn’t work, it doesn’t flow, it doesn’t function properly. We don’t feel vibrant. We don’t feel excited about life. We don’t feel joyful. And it’s because of these rules that we’ve placed on ourself that things are supposed to stay the same, that that’s what commitment looks like. How about it be commitment to growing, and evolving, and loving, commitment to compassion, commitment to understanding.

So this is what I want to leave you with today. Are you willing to take inventory, to sit down with your partner and to have a discussion? What does it look like? What does it look like to you? What does it feel like? What would you like to be different? When was the last time we sat down and discussed what was working and what doesn’t work?

There was a time where we had no kids at home, then there was a time where we had babies, then there was a time where we had teenagers. Then there was a time where we had adult kids, then no kids. But we didn’t think to have this conversation, so we can become the newer versions of ourself, the higher versions of ourself, more intimate, more meaningful, or maybe loving each other so much that you’re willing to see that the program has outdated.

There’s a such thing as conscious uncoupling, doing it in a way of appreciation, gratitude, peace and ease, honesty. So take an inventory of what is working. What do you want? What do you want to keep that you have now? What do you want to dispose of? What do you want to change? And then unpack the old agreements, really, just sit down and make a list. What were the rules 20 years ago, 30 years ago, 10 years ago, last year, what were the rules and are they still working? What could we change?

And then try something new and different. Maybe that looks like creating a new way of being with each other. Maybe it’s getting some of your needs met somewhere else. Maybe it’s about doing more together. Maybe it’s just giving permission to the other to quit pretending, just letting them off the hook. And allow them to do things that they’ve always wanted to do. Cheer them on, be part of their support system, really taking a good hard look at the rules that we’ve set.

For some of us it was not doing anything together because one was busy in the house and one was busy at work and we’re hauling the kids to ball games. And now that the kids are not there, you’re just in the old familiar pattern of doing things separately. So maybe it’s a matter of coming together and saying, “Hey, let’s do date night on Thursdays. Let’s see how that works. Let’s plan things.”

And then for someone else maybe it’s you and your partner have just always done the same exact thing and you’ve never explored other friendship, you have other outings. You’ve never really look at what else life has to offer. This is really big stuff, because if one partner goes, whether it’s by death of divorce or by death in general, then the other is left with this gaping hole. So how could we be whole within ourself and still in partnership and relationship?

And then last, write a new ending. What if this is the beginning of the end of what has been in order to create what is or to create what will be? Seriously, let’s just take a look at this, what if this is the beginning of the end and that’s not a bad thing? It’s just the beginning of the end of what has been and it’s in order to create what actually is right now or what will be to come.

That’s it, that’s what I’ve got for you this week. Taking a good look, taking inventory, unpacking the old agreements, being willing to trying something new and different, and maybe that looks like completely different without each other. Maybe that looks like stepping into who you truly are, because you’ve been pretending to be someone else.

Alright, that’s it, question everything, see how it’s working, do an evaluation, inventory, let go of what’s not, try something new. If you want to discuss some of these concepts, maybe dial in, take it a little more personal then come over to the More Than Mindset group. We do daily meditations there and we always have something fun and exciting happening in the group. We like to discuss the podcast and see how we can personally implement it in our life, instead of just listening to it, let’s put it to work. Let’s evaluate even in the group. Alright, I’ll see you there.

Thanks for listening to this episode of More than Mindset.